Latest Letter

by Coded Logic 15 Replies latest social humour

  • Coded Logic
    Coded Logic

    Dear Mentally Diseased Apostates,

    We are happy to report to you that we are tired of waiting around for Jehovah to do his his whole "armageddon thing" and have instead taken steps to expedite the end ourselves. We are very confident as "Guardians of the Doctrine" that we can accomplish this by dismantling the WTBTS and its subsidiaries which will, in turn, force God's hand and bring about the coming of Jesus riding on a white horse out of the clouds with a sword - or skulls - or scales - err, whatever . . .

    Over the past 3 years we have started by shutting down facilities in 41 countries and have closed down a full 20 branches. We have also seized the assets and the titles to most the kingdom halls worldwide and plan to begin selling many of them off over the next decade. This will greatly reduce the presence of JWs worldwide and force God's day to come about. Seriously, it's been like over a hundred years since we predicted the whole 1914 debacle. How long does He think we can keep milking that cow?

    In addition to these exciting developments, we have also significantly reduced our printed material by a full 61%. Once known for our abundance of spiritual food, we now just mostly hand out tracts. To help insure that we print less we have also begun encouraging our members to do street cart witnessing. Which helps insure that far less material will be left with people so we don't have to print so much. Along that line, we have also reduced the number of special pioneers and now allow people to regular pioneer with far less hours. At no point in the history of God's Organization have so many people - with so much - done so little. Truly, Jehovah's blessing must be with us.

    However, our actions of taking apart the Society are only just the beginning. As you may of heard, we have plans to sell our most valuable, prominent, and spacious properties off in Brooklyn and move to a much smaller complex built on toxic waste that we probably won't be able to complete and have already had to scale down our plans multiple times. If this doesn't get the big J off his ass, we're not sure what will.

    In closing, the more the Jehovah's Witnesses fade into irrelevance - the more the end is just around the corner. And though we would normally take this opportunity to encourage you to come back . . . we just can't have that right now when we're trying to downsize. So please, respectfully piss off.

    Sincerely hateful,

    The GB

    (Below we have attached a list of do's and don'ts to help expedite our downfall)

    Don't: Take megaphones into conventions and start talking about how it's a cult. This only helps further the persecution complex of JWs and makes it more difficult for us to get rid of them.

    Do: Start a blog of or a series of Youtube videos that explains the reasons you left and how your life has changed. Seeing that others have left for similar reasons and have made it out okay is greatly encouraging to those who are thinking about leaving.

    Don't: Burn down your local Kingdom Hall. Even if we don't take the money and run (which we probably would) and decide to rebuild insurance covers the costs of building materials AND labor. So we still end up positive in the ledger. You're better off leaving the KH intact and making the congregation feel ever more awkward as more and more people leave and it becomes emptier and emptier inside.

    Do: Report child abuse to the authorities and file a lawsuit if you qualify. This is really a double whammy as it hurts our supposed "moral superiority" and also cripples us financially.

    Don't: Plant a virus into our server and take down The ability for JWs to be able to see us Governing Body members acting all awkward and saying all kinds of weird stuff has been a source of immense cognitive dissonance. And some of even the most hard core JWs are now having doubts as to the validity of our connections with God.

    Do: Go out and have a great life. Friends and family seeing that you are genuinely happy outside of the Watchtower is perhaps the greatest witness you can give of all.

  • Zoos
    Okay... well, if you insist.
  • Simon
    Don't: Burn down your local Kingdom Hall

    Drops matches, puts hands in pockets, shuffles feet and stares at the sky ...

  • DesirousOfChange

    Do: Go out and have a great life. Friends and family seeing that you are genuinely happy outside of the Watchtower is perhaps the greatest witness you can give of all.

    The greatest revenge is living a happy & successful life!


  • geevee

    Good one...

    A lot of big corporations DO sell off their property and then lease it from the new owners. Maybe we could all chip in a few bucks and start buying k halls from them and lease them back..... ;-)

  • stuckinarut2

    Very funny!

    Love this thread!

  • Driving Force
    Driving Force

    At no point in the history of God's Organization have so many people - with so much - done so little.

    Reminiscent of Winston Churchill.

    Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

    Winston Churchill

  • Driving Force
    Driving Force

    Sorry but being British after mentioning one quote from Winston Churchill, I have to mention another.

    You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

    Winston Churchill

  • Muddy Waters
    Muddy Waters

    Brilliant!!!!! Beautiful!!!

    I love the satire - you did this perfectly. At first, I thought it was going on a bit, but it only got better and your sharpness, wit and biting sarcasm are wonderful!!!

    You, sir (ma'am?), are clever and an awesome writer. :D

    You have an insightful and groovy way of using sarcasm and succinctness to capture reality. May I share this? And credit you as Coded Logic..? I absolutely love this.

  • Muddy Waters
    Muddy Waters
    Driving Force - love the Winston Churchhill quotes! Thank you! :D

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