The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 1

by Lady Lee 32 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

Myxomatosis

4. Idolatry

The dynamic: The "god" served by the shame-based relationship system is an impossible-to-please judge, obsessing on people's behaviors from a distance, whose mood is dependent on them. It is a god invented to enforce the performance standard and to keep the system intact. This is a false god, or idol. Anything you serve besides God, or anything from which you derive your sense of life, value and acceptance, is an idol. The false gods of the shame-based system are: appearance, or how things look; what people think; power-orientation.

The effects: Distorted image of God; high level of anxiety based on other people or external circumstances; people-pleasing; high need to control thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others in order to gain a sense of well-being."

Wow. I had never thought of it like that....and they say clapping too much for a speaker is idolatry?

It makes me so sad. In fact, this is one of the things that was addressed at this conference my Mum went too. They were saying that any 'god' that seems preoccupied with looking for your faults, petty, and sternly waiting to knock you over the head with his gigantic sceptor if you did something "displeasing" was in fact (satan) or the opposite of the characteristics of G-d. That's what it means in the Hebrew isn't it? Accuser? Always out to accuse and belittle?

I've been talking to my JW friend...and the things that she says...how you need to do what G-d "requires" of you, you need to do this and this...and shame on you from G-d if you do not.

Well, it certainly has had its affect. She's been depressed for many years. She's a self-injurer (cuts herself) She actually told me something that made my heart ache the other day she said after groping for words for sometime "I want to be a different person"

where is the love? where is the joy? where is the peace? This person follows the rules, and accordingly, she should feel she's appeased her judge. apparently not. it's like that (poppytastic) Amy Grant song that I always had playing when I was young "is this all there is? just the letter of the law, somethings wrong..somethings gone in heaven tonight, you can almost hear them cry, angels to the left and the right, saying what about the love, what about the love?"

Do you think she would freak out or become suspiscious if I were to recommend this book to her?

I was thinking of recommending Steve Hassan's "combatting cult mind control" but thought she'd be all defensive "so you think I'm in a cult???"

anyways, I feel such empathy for those who have gone through spiritual abuse on account of a "loving" god.

thanks Lady Lee

Myxomatosis
Lady Lee

Well the book isn't cult-focused and it certainly isn't JW focused.
There are a lot of scriptures quoted which she could look up in her own Bible.
You could try copying the first posts out before recommending the book. See how that goes with her. I will be posting other excerpts from some of the other chapters. You could do the same with those. It will give her a gentle taste. If she asks for more then get the book
blondie

I look forward to the next segments, Lady Lee. I appreciate the fact that this is not an anti-Bible or anti-God book.
Blondie
shamus

I, like all others here are sufferers of spiritual abuse. They got me when I suffered from depression. Although some persons actions were not intentional, many were.
I hate the witnesses. They are the definition of high-control.
Lady Lee

I agree Shamus.
Whether we still believe in God or not we were still abused in this high control group.
I found the book a real eye-opener.
It is a shame they spend so much time pointing their finger at other religions. Sort of like trying to get the splinter out of someone's else's eye. And in total denial about the rafter in your own
Big Tex

Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful unspoken rules. These rules are seldom, if ever, said out loud. In fact, when spoken out loud many of them sound ridiculous. No one says out loud, "What people think about us is more important than what is really happening." Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and other shaming messages. The "can't-talk" rule keeps people quiet by labeling them as the problem if they notice and confront a problem. Because people feel they cannot talk about an unspoken rule, they learn to talk in "code" to convey what they mean.

You know, I was thinking about this some since you first posted this LL. I can?t help but feel this is one of the more underappreciated abuses from Jehovah?s Witnesses. We all know that when the Watchtower, or Kingdom Ministry began a question with, ?Would true Christians ?.? they were really telling us DON?T.
How many ?can?ts? or ?don?ts? did we have? Hundreds, but yet how many of them were "official" teachings? Things like, the prohibition on R rated movies, no congregation picnics, and no turkey on Thanksgiving Day (but it was okay the day after) sound so silly to say out loud or to a non-JW, that you almost feel embarrassed that you were ever a part of it.
One of my therapists used to say that when you broke an unspoken rule, you could actually hear it shatter. I could on almost every one of the JW?s unspoken rules.
Lady Lee

1. Out-Loud Shaming
The dynamic
: This is the "shame on you" that comes from name-calling, belittling, put-downs, comparing one person to another or, asking, "What's wrong with you?" It is any message communicated out loud that says, "Something is wrong with you."
The refusal of the WTS to admit its mistakes leaves many people believing the individual is in the wrong. In fact, they are told they are wrong. The constant rewriting of history is a good example of this. Many times I would recall reading something in a mag or book. When I picked up a bound volume I often could not find it. I was totally unaware that the bound volumes are edtied to reflect "new light". I would leave these experiences believing that my memory was at fault.
Asking questions, doubting what you have been told, thinking something was taught when they say it wasn?t, understanding something they don?t being called "running ahead of the org" are all considered defects in the person rather than a flawed theology.
2. Focus on Performance
The dynamic:
How people act is more important than who they are or what is happening to them on the inside. Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain things. Living up to the standard is what earns acceptance, the result of which is acceptance of behaviors, not people. Or once the standard is reached, it is changed or moved. Kids can't be kids because children are imperfect, messy, loud and ask questions that sometimes perplex or embarrass, none of which is considered acceptable.
Little concern is given to individual circumstance or needs, The demand to meet quotas of meeting attendance, preaching, selling of books or magaizines, the emphasis on sanctioned activities and behaviors all serve to remove the needs of the individual and their relationship with God and place it on performing to meet the needs of the WTS.
Even the needs of children to be children are ignored and children are treated as miniature adults and expected to perform to adult standards.
And talks often are entitled "Are you doing enough?" or "Could you do more?"
3. Manipulation
The dynamic:
Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful unspoken rules. These rules are seldom, if ever, said out loud. In fact, when spoken out loud many of them sound ridiculous. No one says out loud, "What people think about us is more important than what is really happening." Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and other shaming messages.
The "can't-talk" rule keeps people quiet by labeling them as the problem if they notice and confront a problem. Because people feel they cannot talk about an unspoken rule, they learn to talk in "code" to convey what they mean.
The whole shunning and marking practice is about control and manipulation. People can be marked or shunned without the formal sanctioning and announcement from the platform. This can be done be repeated talks about a certain topic with the knowledge that some in the congregation are practicing an unwanted behavior. It can be done through the WTS continual focus on some accepted behaviors over others. And it can be done more directly with an announcement that a named person is disciplined for an unknown reason but then a talk is given the same evening about an unacceptable behavior.
Most notibly are the sanctions on people who expose the flaws in the WTS regarding their child abuse policies or any policy that is clearly detrimental to the individual.

4. Idolatry
The dynamic:
The "god" served by the shame-based relationship system is an impossible-to-please judge, obsessing on people's behaviors from a distance, whose mood is dependent on them. It is a god invented to enforce the performance standard and to keep the system intact. This is a false god, or idol. Anything you serve besides God, or anything from which you derive your sense of life, value and acceptance, is an idol. The false gods of the shame-based system are: appearance, or how things look; what people think; power-orientation.
The WTS places itself in the seat of God. Any questioning of the org and its policies becomes the equivalent of doubting God Himself. And as a god they are unrelenting in their demands on their followers. This is not a loving God who values people but rather a god who exacts penalties for being impurfect humans.
5. Preoccupation With Fault and Blame
The dynamic: Since performance has so much power in these systems, much is brought to bear in order to control it. Reaction is swift and furious toward the one who fails to perform the way the system deems fit. People have to pay for their mistakes. Responsibility and accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are the issues. In the New Testament, the purpose of confessing a sin is to receive forgiveness and cleansing. The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know whom to shame-that is, whom to make feel so defective and humiliated that they won't act that way anymore.
People become fearful of breaking rules. The edicts to report others for infractions, or even to report to the elders yourself places undo guilt and shame on people for even thinking certain things. Records are kept of all sins and there is never any real forgiveness.
6. Obscured Reality
The dynamic: In shame-based systems, members have to deny any thought, opinion or feeling that is different than those of people in authority. Anything that has the potential to shame those in authority is ignored or denied. People can't find out about life through normal trial-and-error learning because mistakes shame. Interaction with people and places outside the system threatens the order of things. The system defines reality. Consequently, you can't find out what "normal" is. Problems are denied, and therefore they remain.
What is acceptable lies only within the organization. The WTS teaches its members to shun, run away from, anything that is not of them. The world is full of evil and only they are a safe port. Normal is what they define as normal. Because JWs have little interaction with others they do not have the opportunity to compare beliefs and behaviors with those of others. And any interaction they do have is labeled as dangerous creating a fear of falling back into Satan?s grasp. Life is seen only through the lens of the WTS which serves to isolate and control members.
7. Unbalanced lnter-relatedness
The dynamic: Members of shame-based systems are either under-involved or over-involved with each other. Another word for under-involvement is neglect. Children of workaholics experience this because one or both parents are not there to teach about life. Consequently, rules take the place of people. There is no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences. People find out about life alone and by accident. Another word for over-involvement is enmeshment. This is when there are no clear boundaries between people. Two lies govern: First, it is your responsibility to make sure everyone else is happy and well and you have the ability to achieve this. Second, everyone else is responsible to make sure you are happy and well and they are capable of doing so. Consequently, everyone is responsible for everyone else, while ironically no one is responsible for himself or herself.
Due to this imbalance people tend to focus on whether people are performing according to the set standard. They become over-enmeshed in finding out if meetings and service requirements are met. On the other hand they are under involved in the real personal issues and needs of each other. The sole frame of reference and connection to each other is have you been to enough meetings or do you want to go in service?
Lady Lee
BT this list is endless
colored shirts
hair length
amount of make-up
hair-style
style of dress for women
education
work
friendships
marking rules
and on and on. And to make matters worse the rules keep changing. What was OK today could be wrong tomorrow and right again the week after
Lady Lee

You can find Part 1 here http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59888/1.ashx
You can find Part 2 here

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59937/1.ashx
You can find Part 3 here

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/60068/1.ashx
You can find Part 4 here http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/60069/1.ashx
William Penwell

I also have a copy of this book and I read it some years ago. It was what made me realize I was in a spiritual abusive relationship. It has helped me in my healing process.
Will

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 1

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