So today this happened...

by Phoebe 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • pimojw

    hi phoebe, im new around here, and dont know your full story, but though i might offer my comments too!

    really sorry you are having such a rough time with local elders. i agree with above comments that the best line is to keep to your story of not being able to cope. i think even a letter or an email, expressing appreciation for their concern would stroke their egos. something like:

    "i really appreciate your loving concern, and the help that jehovah offers us through the congregation. unfortunately this world, and my illness, has really crushed me, and at the moment I cant cope. for now even wise words of counsel add to my burden, and make me feel guilty for not doing what i should spiritually. i need time to sort myself out physically and emotionally first. please dont visit or call me - i will let you know when i am ready for your spiritual help. i would appreciate you respecting this request, and hope to be back to normal physically and spirituality one day". if you can bear writing something like that i think they might accept it (obviously put it in your own words!)

    i hope you dont see my suggestion as impertinent. i know its none of my business, and not knowing the full situation means it may not be appropriate. just trying to help. hope you can heal, as i am trying to do as well!

    christian (or non-christian!) greetings!

  • The Fall Guy
    The Fall Guy

    The key thing is not to talk to these predators.

    Phoebe, you have a PM.

  • Ding

    Sorry to say so, but you're going to have a problem as long as your husband keeps letting them in.

    Of course, you could always leave the room, but that's no guarantee they won't decide to DF you.

    I thought Splash really nailed it:

    There's a sad irony when someone who believes everything he reads tells you not to believe everything you read.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    why should you be d/f'd for something your husband has said ?---oh--i remember...coz they can.

  • Toshibabadu

    I was being hounded and I followed the advice i found on this site. I gave them nothing...but, hello, im fine thanks for asking, im busy, no thanks, thanks for the invite though, some i out right ignored. My huband is a non JW so the elders can't drop by my house :) when i run into them in the streets i say hi and keep it moving or i outright pretend like i have no clue who they are.

  • Phoebe

    Thank you, everyone. All advice has been taken and is so very welcome.

    Husband has been mostly good so far, biting his tongue so to speak, but he's been away for many years and tends to be somewhat emotional (it's his nationality!!) when confronted by witnesses.

    I will do what you have all told me.

    Thank you :)

  • pimojw

    Not sure how to edit posts yet.

    i wanted to add some comments to my suggestion above just in case you or anyone else applies it!

    any letter or email or even text would have to be clearly NOT a disassociating letter. The elders book explains what that would look like (easy to find ks10 online). It would have to be a very tactful, heartfelt, apologetic plea! This might go against the grain to write

    i think the benefit of it being in writing is that they might take it more seriously (actually respect it) and also doesnT put you at risk of saying anything incriminating in a conversation or agreeing to anything.

    Just hiding and and refusing to speak or open the door might work for some (depending on their relationship with local elders and how long inactive) but it looks more defiant and could lead to a witch hunt. Just my opinion but maybe those who have done it will say otherwise.

    whatever you do I hope it works for you!

  • stuckinarut2

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling stressed over this situation.

    Keep your Dignity, Poise and Grace! Remember that only YOU have the right to control how you feel. Do not allow them to upset you.

    I used this line with the COBE who was trying to harass us:

    "Thanks for your interest ___, but I am sure that you will respect our privacy and appropriate boundaries. If this sort of behaviour took place in a work setting, it would be classed as "harassment", and I would be forced to avail myself of the legal means at my disposal. Have a great day, and all the best to your family"

  • flipper

    PHOEBE- I'm so sorry this elder is harassing you . This COBE probably thinks that he's a legend in his own mind because well- he's the COBE don't you know ? He's the boss of the elders so he feels empowered ( as wrong as that is ) to try to control your life.

    When I left cold turkey in 2003 the main P.O. in my congregation did the same thing to me- harassed me with several phone calls and kept telling me that the elders needed to meet with me. I told them " I don't need to meet with you I'm doing fine. " The phone calls kept coming. Eventually I just had to hang the phone up on the dickhead P.O. as it got to the point of harassment. After awhile they got the message after a few months and stopped bothering me.

    Listen my friend, these control freaks don't understand NICE. They feel they are the masters of YOU so they do NOT honor personal boundaries. You do NOT owe them ANYTHING. No explanations , no discussion, nothing. Just tell them that you are following your conscience and it's between you and " God " or " Jehovah " . And that you'd appreciate them not bothering you anymore.

    If STILL these elders keep harassing you - you can threaten them by saying that you'll get a restraining order from the courts to keep them off of your property. If they are not going to honor your personal boundaries- they deserve no respect back. It's how I look at it. I had to threaten them with a lawsuit back in 2007 when after 4 years of not attending they tried to disrupt my life . They finally backed off and the WT Society told them to leave me alone. I hope your case doesn't get to that point- but you get my drift. Don't let them push you around, enjoy your life. It will be much more stress free when these elder freaks are in your rear view mirror. Do NOT enable them. Shut them down or off. Good luck, we are with you


    Talking to brain washed people is like talking to a brick. The difference between a computer and a jw is that you only have to punch information into a computer once.

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