Personal story of bethel, sexual abuse and child baptism

by GetMeOutofHere 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • GetMeOutofHere

    Born into a strong JW family in the early 80s. My father died when I was 4 and that left a huge emotional scar on my tender mind.

    With my mother, I went to live with family members and was sexually abused between 4 and 10. He was an MS but when elders later found out, all that happened was he got his privileges removed. I was told to tell other brothers and sisters that he was no longer well and so had come off being an appointed man. To my absolute horror looking back, I enjoyed the abuse - I enjoyed the intimacy and I’m ashamed to say, the stimulation - I have never managed to overcome masturbation (I realize now masturbation is normal, but not in JW land)and perverted sexual desires.

    Racked with guilt but also a strong desire to see my father in the resurrection, I did what a good witness boy should do and get baptized at 10. The ‘love’ and positive reinforcement from the congregation drove me ever forwards.

    At 16 I entered regular pioneer ministry and at 19 I was accepted into London Bethel.

    I soon realized that bethel was a factory and it was the congregation where brothers showed love. I reasoned that it had to be like that and if brothers were cold it was because they were heading an organization- no room for emotions.

    I left Bethel in 2010 and studied an online undergraduate degree. For the first time, I realized that I had never studied anything before. I stumbled across the videos of Christoper Hitchens and began to agree with the arguments he presented. He basically dismantled my faith with reason and logic.

    It’s horrible to be stuck in a religion when you don’t believe in god anymore. Sitting through assemblies and conventions makes me angry and sad. Then I started to look at the clips of John Cedars and the JW facts website and it became apparent that I, along with the the rest of us, have been treated so badly by an organization whose sole purpose is to acquire power for its own sake. They are an organization driven by position and ‘accurate knowledge’ - knowledge that only comes from them.

    So I find myself committed to a vow made at 10 which hinges on the promise of seeing my dead father and of wiping away my guilt in being abused. It was an emotional decision made by a vulnerable child. I now come to the reasoned decision as an educated adult that I no longer want anything to do with this organization. However, if I act on that decision, my dear mother as well as my ‘friends’, and most importantly my darling wife will see me as wicked and look for ways to remove themselves from my life.

    Thank you for reading.

  • LV101

    GMOOH -- Welcome and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry for all the horror the religion has caused you and the loss of your father -- very difficult. Stay tuned - there's many with experience here re/staying and enduring/leaving, etc. You're in a great place.

  • fulano

    Thanks for sharing your experience. Sorry to hear what they did to you as a child. Horrible indeed.

  • Xanthippe

    Thanks for sharing your experience and you must realise now you were not responsible for the sexual abuse you suffered as a very small child. I am aware it's not always that easy so perhaps some counselling would help?

    I can identify with people emotionally blackmailing you about seeing your father in the resurrection. Absolutely despicable.

    Stick around, many here have been through similar abuse.

  • Still Totally ADD
    Still Totally ADD

    GMOOH welcome. Such a sad story you just told us. As a survivor myself of sexual abuse I feel for you brother. I would suggest if you have not yet done it is to get some professional help. You owe it to yourself and your family. Please remember none of this was your fault but as a adult you have have the opportunity to take care of yourself. Just like many here you are also a survivor of the horrible abuse this cult caused. So happy you have found us and are looking forward to seeing more comments from you and how you are coping. Take care and again welcome. Still Totally ADD

  •  The Bethelite
    The Bethelite

    Yes my friend you have taken the "red pill" but are still in Jehovah's Witness hell.

    Your choice is clear pull the plug or live the lie.

    There is no right answer.... and both choices has serious consequences.

    The good news is you still have most of your life ahead of you. Only you can decide how to live it.

  • GetMeOutofHere

    Thanks for your supportive comments. Will definitely seek professional counseling at some point. Just writing down some of my thoughts knowing others from a similar position would read was already a start to the therapy process.

  • cha ching
    cha ching

    Welcome, and hugs GMOOH. It is a cold, hard, cruel fact to come across that despite all the personal "relationships" (built on your loyalty to WT) that this organization... WT, is a machine.

    You have been promised many things, resurrection of a dear loved one, eternal youth, happiness.... all on the contingency that you 'keep your mouth shut' and just wait.... and wait..... and wait... for the ever changing policies, doctrines, promises.

    The first time I went on this "apostate site" I was anxious that someone would 'discover me', and know who I was.... but that is unlikely, it is a fear that WT puts in you. "Where will you go?" I just said "anywhere but here, and I don't have to know."

    I, however, left with my husband and two children and sister. You have a wife and a mom left.... Have you ever reported the abuse to the police? The person who abused you is most likely abusing others. Does your wife know about the abuse? Sometimes, when these things come to light, and people see how the "WT" deals with abuse victims (despite all their nice little WT articles about it lately) people start to see the beast for what it is.

    My husband was an elder, had to make a choice of giving a deposition against the WT and being DF'd or 'playing the game'. He told the truth and he and my sons got DF'd to keep it all quiet.

    Take one day at a time. It is all your choice, your circumstances. Don't do anything hastily, you have time. When we first left, it seems like I had to explain it all to everyone, everywhere.... Nope, you don't need to. Relax. Post here, read here and other sites. Many, many, many have gone thru and are going thru the same thing.

    Hugs, cha ching

  • Theonlyoneleft

    GetMeOutOfHere, welcome to the site. You be given the first step.

    Im so very sorry in reading your story, it’s awful what you’ve been through in your life.

    There’s so much good advice and experiences from so many others here, I hope that those will help you on your journey.

    It’s not impossible to leave just hard. Like Bethelite says... you are still young... your whole life awaits for you to live.

    I send you much love and positive thoughts. Take care.

  • WTWizard

    Loss of "privileges" as his only punishment? What if that was regular fornication between two consenting adults? Would they just take away "privileges"?

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