I’m 71 years old now. Seven decades plus. Not that old I tell myself. But, I put that in perspective owing to the fact that my older brother died in 1992 at the age of only 51. It was a very sobering time for me even though I was only 45 at the time. Now, some 26 years later, I sometimes find myself contemplating my own mortality.
My brother’s death in 1992 was sort of a turning point in my life. It was my first brush with mortality of someone that I loved. Even though he was 6 years older than me and not a jw, (so of course I wasn’t allowed to be too close to him per my jw conscience) he was someone that I looked up to because he was a very wise person. (No doubt the reason he never took to the “troof”.) At that time, I was semi convinced that I would see him again in the “resurrection”. It was a semi comforting feeling but not that “all out” conviction that I was expecting to have as a life-long jw. The 1995 major change in the “this generation” doctrine, basically caused me to become PIMO until about 2010 when I became basically POMO.
The tormenting years during which cognitive dissonance ripped me apart (as I’m sure it did to most of us here on this site) forced me to think about my own mortality. The ‘pie in the sky’, ‘pipe dream’ of living forever was gone and reality got real. At first it was so gut wrenching that I contemplated suicide more than a few times. I checked myself into a mental health facility for a few weeks because I couldn’t handle the reality of the “troof” not being the TRUTH. It was like having that ‘funny’ feeling that your mate is being unfaithful to you but not knowing and not being courageous enough to broach the subject with her/him. Then one day you walk in and there she/he is in bed, going at it with another person. Absolutely devastating!
Enough rambling. Now that I KNOW that I will someday pass away, I do wonder if there is something on the ‘other side’. I do think about how I have lived my life. But mostly, I live every day and try to make life worth living. Since I woke up, I have found so many things in life enjoyable that I once regarded as a futile pursuit.
How are you dealing with the thought of your mortality?