Any Advice - Afteraffects of taking the Reality Pill

by dobby 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  dobby

  I have been posting on this board on and off for about two years now. It has been a tremendous help to me to read other people's experiences, to laugh, cry and just plain identify. However, something weird is going on with me in the last six months and I am totally freaked out. So I am not sure where else to turn. I wonder if anyone can give me some advice.

  For the last year and a half I have been so happy to have left the organization. When I learned the truth about the truth, it was like coming out of a state of hypnotism. I woke up to see that financially, physically, mentally, etc I had been living a nightmare and the affects of being a witness were not good. BUT I could forgive myself and move on - I had no problems with this. I think the sheer thrill of having control of my life, for the first time in my life, has carried me for the past year and a half. I have been on a kind of high, in the sense that I have so much hope for my future and am delighted to think I can use my talents to create a life I have always dreamed of.

  However, for the last six months or so I have going through (what I think) are classic fear of death symptoms. I don't know what else to call it. It has finally hit home that this life is probably all there is - I can never be totally convinced there is a God. At first I didn't really think about it. But now it is affecting me especially at night. I have been waking up gripped with fear of the eventuality of my death. It's like I can feel all of the people who have existed before me - I can feel their lives, hopes, dreams, hear their voices (no I am not literally hearing voices!). Sometimes I imagine death so clearly, the light slowly extinguishing, what it would be like to see my life flash before my eyes, the fact that IF I have time to think before I die I would probably end up contemplating something completely uselss like why didn't I ever get my bicycle fixed or why didn't I pick up milk from the grocery store. The idea of non-existence is terrifying me.

  Has anyone gone through this? Is this just a phase that I will come to grips with, or should I get my butt to a therapist tomorrow? I am wondering if this is the last phase in taking that (was it blue?) blue pill - like in the Matrix - the last vestige of fantasy land fading. But how will I face this with courage? I read once that the sensitive and clever can never be happy. Well clever is debatable in my case (not sure I even spelled debatable correctly) but sensitive is definitely me. I have always had highly tuned intuitian and empathy. Being around people sometimes completely drains me, because I feel so much, that I have been fairly introverted my entire life. Being a witness really helped block this out - it truly made me the closest to unfeeling that I will ever be - but I don't have that block anymore.

  I do prefer leaving the fantasy behind, I want to face reality but am afraid this death thing will be a tough one - can anyone offer any suggestions?

  Thanks.
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  sens

  ((Dobby))

  Ive thought about this stuff as well...the only way I can cope with this is to think well...When I Die..If I know nothing...I know nothing...if there is something else...well so be it...I do still believe in some of the teachings, but not many...but I never believed that Jehovah wouldnt resurrect those who were DF or DA..because according to scripture...once your dead, your sins are forgiven. Ive only been out 3 months, and Im still pretty confused as well...but Im sure there are others here , who can prob. answer you better than me.

  Hugz,

  3 Sens 4
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  SixofNine

  Take my advice with a grain of salt, because my own psychosis in this regard has been far less dramatic than your own.

  Having said that, like pretty much everything else in life, I recommend facing it head on (I suppose posting here is a good start in that regard). So what if you die tomorrow? It's been a hell of a ride, hasn't it? At best or worst, your fate is not really different than 6 billion other peoples' fate. Kinda seems downright common in that light, eh?

  As Warren Zevon, facing his impending demise from cancer, told Letterman, "I enjoy every sandwich".
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  Lady Lee

  I think we all go through different stages at different times.

  Considering the horror stories so many were fed about death and Armageddon it isn't surprising that some people will develop some anxiety about it.

  My first suggestion - see your doctor for a physical

  Second suggestion - while you are there ask for a referral to a therapist or counselor who deals with trauma survivors.

  Third suggestion - In the meantime try as hard as it is to not think of your death fears. Try a visualization (there are many) but I think of a safe place where nothing can hurt me. In my safe place I have all the things I need to pamper myself and feel secure and relaxed.. A safe place can be anything and anywhere you want. It can be a place you felt good and safe in the past. It can be pure fantasy. Focus on being there. Think of all the things you would need or want in your safe place. Make it as real as possible in your mind and find fun ways to relax there. Think of this place when the anxiety starts to increase. It may take some effort. You may find your mind drifting to the fears but pull yourself back to the safe place. If you fall asleep in the safe place you got it!. With practice it gets easier.

  I know people whose safe place is inside a tank, inside a bubble, on a deserted island with a dome over it, on the moon. One person's safe place was the house in the movie Mary Poppins. Be creative. Some need to be inside and others need to be outside. Make it what you need it to be. if something doesn't fit - change it. Believe me this can be a lot more interesting and fun than old fears.
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  Ravyn

  first off--it is a phase and will pass --if you don't stop it from working out in its own process!

  maybe a therapist would help you.

  - I can never be totally convinced there is a God.

  secondly, never say never--surely that is one lesson you have learned from this whole mess!

  we change and grow and double back and coil forward and you don't know where you will be in another 18 months. take comfort in change--it is growth and growth is life and life is right here and right now and what you got. Death will come to us all, and from there who knows? Someone once said: we are all crucified between two thieves...the past and the future.

  Ravyn
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  run dont walk

  I think the sheer thrill of having control of my life, for the first time in my life, has carried me for the past year and a half. I have been on a kind of high, in the sense that I have so much hope for my future and am delighted to think I can use my talents to create a life I have always dreamed of.

  just keep this idea in your head and you will be fine, don't get too wrapped up in things you have no control of.
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  blackout

  What Ravyn said.

  Also, one thing Ive learnt since leaving dubdom is that life is about change and growth. In 2 months you'll feel differently to how you do now. As a Dub everything was so black and white and we had a set of rules and morals and a life code to believe in, it rarely changed. Life isn't like that. Things change all the time and our being able to adapt to that change is important.

  Your fear of death at the moment may be a reaction to your realisation of this. Death is the ultimate change in state, we can have no control of it. Letting go of being a dub, to a certain extent means letting go of having to always be in controll and controlled.

  Just my thoughts, Id recomend councelling, I've had some and it helped. I'd also recomend reading Anthony Robbins, anything by him to get started.
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  Maverick

  I have felt the same thing, oddly as a dud but not now. As a man I used to worry about things men worry about. I had a beautiful wife and worried someone would take her from me. I have a business and worried I would screw up and lose it. I had financial obligations and worried I would not be able to meet them. I worried for years over these things. I had all three of those things happen...the same month! With the help of family and hard work, I got through it. Did all my worrying prevent those things from happening? Now I don't worry about shit! When I feel the heat of the meteorite on the back of my neck...then I'll worry about it! You were nothing for billions of years, you got through it. You live now...so live. You are in the same boat as everyone else who has ever lived and ever will live. Relax! Enjoy the ride, don't waste it! I wish you peace! Maverick
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  dobby

  Thank you all for answering my post. I woke up this morning to your words and I feel so much relief!

  Lady Lee - interesting that you suggest a therapist that deals with trauma survivors, never thought of it that way. I like the idea of visualizing a safe place.

  Ravyn and Blackout - I really thinkyou all are right about how we change. I do believe deep down that I will work through this and it is just a part of the metamorphisis. I guess I am just really scared that this stage will take longer and be more debilitating - thus the possible need for a counselor.

  Maverick - It is very inspiring to think that you got through the things you suffered - my heart goes out to you. and you're right - worrying does not prevent bad things from happening. I think that somehow I have felf that worrying gives me some measure of control over things. It's true that many times I have "seen" things coming and was totally right - even then I was still unprepared. So why bother - wasted energy, right?

  Six of Nine - I think the very fact that death is a common experience is part of my problem. I want to be different - I want to fight it, which is, of course, ridiculous.

  rundontwalk - Very positive outlook - good suggestion.

  sens - hang in there buddy. I have been out for almost two years - and you see what I just posted! - take it one day at a time.
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  Tashawaa

  I've felt the same as you... the joy and freedom of being released from "spiritual bondage", however with that release also comes the time to face death. This is something that as a born and raised JW, I never had to deal with ("I was going to live forever"). The reality of death just didn't touch my soul. I do believe that there is something to be said for "belief" - its a coping mechanism. My own spiritual evolution/development has brought me to a place where I'm not sure I believe in "God". With that said I have found myself in need of prayer at times, and I've prayed to help myself (what can it hurt??? If he's there, I believe he listens - if not, well then the comfort I've found at the time was still worthwhile). I chose to hope in a "life after death". What form that takes, I have no idea. I tend to feel that life itself is a cycle (like air, water, etc) and perhaps our "life force" takes on a new form. I hope our conciousness remains with it. Nonetheless, I appreciate everyday of life and live it as though there is nothing afterwards.

  Death is a difficult reality, but there is not one person who has escaped it. Even the two perfect men mentioned in the bible, Adam and Jesus, didn't escape it. If forming a hope in the afterlife assists the day-to-day living, then in my opinion, no harm is done. I've read of "near death experiences", reincarnation, etc. and the one common thread in all the world's religions is a life after death. Perhaps this is a joint human conciousness - that something survives the physical body.