Everyone...sorry I haven't been much use to anyone lately

by berylblue 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • berylblue

    Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for not welcoming all the new ones, not responding yet to all the wonderful replies to my posts, not saying happy birthday to everyone, and not being a good friend to those in need. I'm sorry. I've been sick, as well as preoccupied.

    There's a major rant building up in me....which I will append to this post; aren't you all lucky.

    I feel like such a frigging loser.

    Let me just say: It's no one's fault that I got sick and had to start my life over, esp. not my employer's. But I just get slapped in the face over and over and over again, reminders of my losses, and it hurts.

    A co-worker, who never speaks to me, and whom I had no idea even knew anything about me said today (because I was fighting back tears), "Can't you see that C. (our manager) is afraid of you? You terrify her. You are much more intelligent than she, and she knows it. You do not belong here."

    I think I'm going to go cry.


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    Rosemarie, you've got some pretty big feelings right now. But hear me on a couple of things, you are not responsible for doing anything on this board except for being yourself. You are not disappointing anyone. That feeling is left over from a long time ago. The more pressure you put on yourself to perform, and be all things to all people, the more it reminds that little girl deep inside you of some pretty bad times.

    It's okay. Really it is. Show yourself, and that very precious little girl, some kindness. Let her crawl up in your lap and just hold her.

    If it means anything, I think you're a fantastic person. You've come through a lot. Let yourself be proud of that accomplishment.

    Rant and rave as much as you want. You're allowed.


  • jgnat

    Were you gone, Beryl? I hadn't noticed. I have scaled back myself the last couple of days (sore shoulder). While I am gone, I am pretty sure the board carries on as it did before, and some of our Master Members become the new welcomers.

    A recurring nightmare of mine is a warehouse of fishtanks, all needing maintenance. I run frantically from one to the other, trying to get the water, temperature, and balance right, tossing just the right amount of fish food, and frantically hoping none of the poor fish are floating belly up. My guess? I get that nightmare when I am overburdened with a sense of responsibility. Think about it.

    Let me guess. Your boss is a jerk and said something really stupid.

  • gumby

    Hi Rosemarie,

    BigTex really covered your problem well. To feel guilt over not performing enough is true of many in all walks of life........especially those with cultic backrounds. Quit puttin quarters in your asskickin machine! Have you always had low self esteem? Many do .....but you can get better from it. If your co-worker sees you as someone smart......as I am sure many others are aware also......then believe in yourself. Your posts and intellect here prove your not the l;oser you label yourself to be.

    Now put on a happy face or I'll kick yer ass


  • rocketman

    Hi Rosemarie,

    First of all, you're not expected to do all the stuff you mentioned. We just love having you here, and just enjoy what posting you can do. Please don't feel that you're expected to meet a certain standard or anything like that.

    I'm sorry to hear things are not going well in some respects at work. We all hope you can get through that and perhaps the situation will be resolved soon.


  • neverthere


    I hope that you feel better soon, please rant, rave, freak, do what ever, those that care for you will be here for you.


  • berylblue

    Thanks, everyone.

    Yes, my boss said something (once again) today. It really hurt. She seems to get a great deal of pleasure hurting me.

  • jgnat

    The trick with sadists, is to stop making it pleasurable for them. Water off a duck's back. Consider the source. Service with a smile.

    A jealous gaggle of co-workers made my life hell for a couple years, until I decided to stop taking their jabs personally. When they demanded 10 page reports from my department, I delivered 20, with a smile. I drowned them in paperwork until they cried "uncle". They haven't bothered me since.

    BTW, that is one of the reasons I can research, and type, so fast today. Thanks, gaggle!

  • Cassiline

    (((((( Rosemarie)))))

    Hey lady

    You know absolutely no one can do it all. Beating yourself up about not being able to is not going to help, you are just going to burn yourself out and feel worse. You are a kind person who gives and knows how much it hurts when pain is inflicted. You go out of your way to assure everyone is ok. Please know that everyone here apperciates this.

    Stop beating yourself up and know you can not carry the world alone. You are doing just fine. Remember you are a precious child of the universe, who is loved by many.



  • cruzanheart

    (((((Rosemarie))))) Isn't it amazing how smarmy little people like your boss can have such an effect on smart people just by pushing their victim buttons? I HATE THAT!!! You don't deserve it. You're a terrific person and you have a lot of friends on this board and surrounding you. Think of what that co-worker said -- everybody in the office knows you're smarter than the boss. Your intelligence comes through even when you're not feeling very good about yourself. Take that knowledge in and let it empower you, just a little bit.



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