I'm not ashamed. I think you might be being a little dramatic.
For me it wasn't about praying or hoping for anyone to die . It was about the fact that God already had plans set in place to rid the earth of the wicked who were causing all the problems for mankind. He was going to do this anyway and offered everlasting life on a perfect earth to anyone who could prove they love righteousnes by living by his standards as best they could, now. The idea was to go to meetings, learn how to do his will, surround yourself with other who were doing the same and wouldn't tempt you to stray. The other objective was to spread this to others so that they could do the same.
The whole thing was about god once and for all fixing the pain and suffering of man. The problem I have is that it seems to me, there must be a more humane way to do it without killing practically every man woman and child on earth in the process. I can think of a half a dozen ways without even trying. The other problem came about when the leaders of the religion intervened in other people's relationship with God and used their desire to serve him and live forever as a way of controlling them for their own benefit or just because it was the only authority they ever had in this world.