Thats what I felt from your post, just exactly how you last broke it down.
I remember getting yelled at in service. Does that mean I was going to go try and find jws to yell at now , no of course not.But I have in the past to 'Defend my personal truth' and I did feel ashamed, honestly it was a mixed bag of emotions.
I not long ago had a jw come knocking and I was about to cut loose but upon opening the door they had their maybe 5 yr old with them. I just said no thanks and closed the door and shed many tears. (I felt sorry for the child) It hurt seeing a little tike like I was at one point and feeling helpless to state any case.
However Two elders passed by and was asking for directions and were being that fake nice pushy jw thing , so I told them the wrong directions. Wanted to yell, but it was a little satisfying to watch them circle again lost, giving me a look like "we wont bother him".
It IS that 'trance thing' that keeps me from ripping them a new one. I even slip into cognitive dissonance sometimes and have to pull myself out of it. Grrr... This site is helping.
Im plenty pissed, and completely heartbroken.
But one thing Im trying really hard to do is put some 'faith' if you will, in what so many have said on this site. That it will and does get better. I have yet to find out. Hence, Im still really struggling.
I felt connection with your post. It made me feel not so alone.
I'll be real honest. I get totally jealous of others here that have family that are out and have some support beyond this site. I recognize that about myself and then I feel like crap for feeling that way.
But so many others here have no support.
Heres to hoping it gets better and better. I dont think I would be human or even a chance at normalish if I wasnt completely infuriated at it all.