She displayed a literature cart in front of my house: That does it for me!

by Tempest in a Teacup 53 Replies latest jw friends

  • Landy
    Shouldn't laugh but ...... :D
  • Anders Andersen
    Anders Andersen
    For the ones talking about a passive-aggressive behavior on my part, I wish to tell you that there's a simple reason I couldn't lash out at my mum as she told me about the cart: I have been fighting with her a lot recently. For her that kind of thing is normal and she would blame it on my temper instead of taking it as a serious issue.

    Sorry for to put put highlight on this, but it is very well possible to be firm with someone, tell them what your limits are, what you do and do not accept, without shouting, being angry or otherwise showing a temper.

    Yes this is very hard under some circumstances. Especially when you're tired after a long day. And for some people it's harder because they are more fiery than others.

    Stop fighting with your mom.
    Whenever the two of you disagree, stay calm. Be firm, but polite.

    You know up front she won't understand or agree with all (most?) of what you say, so no need to be surprised about it and start a fight. Show her that you are more polite and mature than she is....but respect your own boundaries and tell her she should respect you boundaries as well.
    To me it seem this is something you can improve on ;-)

    Learn to say no. Just Google's a start.


    I don't mean to bring you down by saying all of this...just want to help you out a bit.
    Nuances may be lost to me because I'm not a native English speaker.
    Also I don't really know you; I'm just a semi-random stranger on the internet.
    Accept my apologies if I'm completely mistaken about you.

  • carla

    Take a late night walk and put some anti jw literature in your neighbors paperboxes (not mailbox, that is illegal). Print them out from or find elsewhere. They won't know who put them there but will have some ammunition when mom comes calling again. At least she won't be able to con anybody into joining up. All they see is a sweet older lady, they have no idea the dangers of this cult. Apparently neither does she, same with my jw, sigh.

    I know this may seem extreme but it does work to get them (your jw) to stop, at least in your immediate area so you can become friendly with the neighbors and have a normal neighborly relationship without them worrying you and/or mom will be preaching at them. People will assume you and she are involved with the same 'church'. I know, I know it is a kh but non jw's don't know, care or understand why it isn't a 'church'. Heck, they still don't know what to call them! "the jehovah's are at the door again, quick pull the curtains!"

    Or, get tough and tell mom in no uncertain terms that the jw stuff must stop or she will have to move on. I know, it is easier said than done. Maybe she needs some chores? she is not too old to mow the lawn, clean, etc... (?) just throwing stuff out there.........

  • LisaRose

    It sounds like you need to work on your communication with your mother. If you talk to her without losing your temper, then she cannot accuse you of losing your temper. I get that mothers are good at pushing buttons, but you cannot let her get to you like that.

    Choose a time that you are not stressed or rushed and sit down and have a conversation. Prepare what you have to say and do not let her get off track with emotional issues.

    You: Mom, I need to set some rules of you are to continue to live with me. You are welcome to engage in the preaching work, but not in my neighborhood.

    Mom: I'm your mother, Its my right to preach, you are being mean.

    You: I respect you as my mother, but you are living in my house, and those are the rules here. Do you want to continue to live here or not?

    Mom: You have to let me live here, I'm you mother.

    You: No I don't. Those are the rules, do you want to live by my rules or not? It's up to you, but otherwise you will have to find a new place to live.

    Mom: I'm going to call the elders, you are being unreasonable.

    You: I suggest you do call them. They will agree that as the head of the house I have the right to set the rules, and that they don't actually allow cart witnessing at residential homes anyway.

    Mom: You would kick your own mother out?

    You. As I said, it's your choice to live by the rules or not. I am not preventing you from preaching, you simply have to agree to preach elsewhere. You are the one making the problem, not me.

    Mom. So you are ashamed of your religion? You are ashamed of me?

    You. Of course I am not ashamed of you. But it doesn't matter what my reasons are, it's my house and my rules, do you want to live by my rules or not?

    You get the idea. No matter what your mother does, keep turning the conversation back to this simple point, it's your house and your rules. If you refuse to get drawn into the drama and stick to your point there isn't a lot she can do, you hold the power because you are paying the rent. Let her storm off and slam the door or cry, don't placate her or give in. If she starts preaching again, calmly sit her down and have the whole conversation again. Eventually she will see it's not worth the effort and give in.

    It may seem like a lot of effort, but if she is like this with this issue she will be like this with other issues. It's better to set the rules and stick with them now.

  • Heaven
    Simon said: Then you make the rules. Kick the cart out, if she doesn't like it kick her out.

    You would be well within your rights to mandate no cult literature be brought to your house.

    Our Mom moved into my brother's house for a couple of years. He told her no preaching to his kids. He did allow her to have a Bible study with some old woman who was almost blind and still driving (she was a hazard on the roads as I followed her one day going to my brother's house... holy cow!).

    But it was strictly no preaching or discussing their religious crap with him or his family. Way to go Bro!

  • Anders Andersen
    Anders Andersen


    You said it perfectly!

  • dubstepped

    I have two questions.

    What DOES your mom bring to this living arrangement? She doesn't seem to respect you, doesn't respect your home, and doesn't contribute financially since you said she refuses to work.

    If she doesn't bring anything to this relationship and arrangement, why are you supporting her?

  • James Mixon
    James Mixon

    Serving where the need is great my Mom(not a JW but a church going Baptist) came for a visit.

    One day a few of the friends were over to meet her. I wasn't there that day but my wife

    told me my Mom excused herself and went in the den and and played and sing Amazing Grace.

    When my wife told me I thought it was so funny, that's my mom and I loved her.

    The friends left as soon as my mom started playing..

  • Tempest in a Teacup
    Tempest in a Teacup

    If she doesn't bring anything to this relationship and arrangement, why are you supporting her?

    because I live in a culture that puts the family, especially the Mama on a pedestal and nothing take her off that position.

  • dubstepped
    If she doesn't bring anything to this relationship and arrangement, why are you supporting her?
    because I live in a culture that puts the family, especially the Mama on a pedestal and nothing take her off that position.

    Well, if the roles were reversed and she was on the outs with the JW's and you were in, and she got DF'ed, you'd have to shun her right? Sounds like she can definitely be removed from her pedestal. She would likely remove you from it in such a case.

    I don't know your culture. I know it hurts to go against the grain, but nobody should get a free pass to treat you any way that they want just because they had sex with someone they wanted to have sex with and it resulted in your birth and subsequent responsibility to care for you. Some parents carry that out with love and devotion, others with control and toxicity. Pedestals are usually for people that earn them. Ultimately it's up to you to do what you want, but if you put a toxic person on a pedestal, you'll get poisoned. Maybe there are some horrific cultural punishments that you'll have to endure for sending your mom off that we don't know about. I'm sorry you're facing this but you can make it stop. You can't control everything in life, but don't accept powerlessness.  Good luck.

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