To Fade or Disassociate
I faded 100 %, it was the best thing for me because it gave me the opportunity to still associate with a few good witnesses who I can trust. I´m a mild activist and drop little pieces of TTATT here and there.
If I ever (after a few years maybe) would choose to practice more aggressive activism and would still be found ¨guilty¨ by a j.c., I would consider to disassociate myself instead of being disfellowshipped. They don´t deserve to have any power over me, but that might be the consequence if I would ever go full throttle.
Redpilltwice makes a good point in that DAing yourself first can be an advantage later on for you cant be DFed if your not a practicing JWS attending meetings etc.,
you need at least a couple of years of non participation though
You don't have to make it announced as in a letter to the elders, just stop attending and quietly fade out.
The point is they cant DF you if you simply stop attending and they cant DF you if you don't tell them why, such as being outwardly opposed to doctrines
You can keep that to yourself and you'd be would wise to do so.
Don't play into their game of power and control.
He's told me that his reason for fading was because the Society was trying to convince him that the brothers and sisters, the organization was his family, instead of his own worldly blood family.------Jules Saturn.
Your grandpa was right to object to this as this is in fact one of the signs of a cult - substituting an acritical family for your own biological family.
As has already been stated, DA is playing by their rules.***** It allows them to label you, demonize you and treat you as the equivalent of being DFD so bear this in mind. Some persons who DA want a clean break and are able to deal with the aftermath; they usually have a social network for support outside the org, they may have non-JW family & friends who will support them.
You may find this Exit Guide from another ex-JW forum to be helpful:
*****Freedom FROM religion is a basic human right as per Article 18 of the Declaration of Human Rights. So don't feel pressured into believing that you have to DA. DA is a WT requirement, it's not something which you have to do. You should be free to join and leave a religion as you like, but the WT does not recognize this.
Hi Jules, it makes sense to do whatever is necessary given your circumstances. My view is, if you are a young adult living at home with your parents, you need to abide by their house rules. You are old enough to strike out on your own if you do wish to more formally leave. If not, fading is the least disruptive of all options: You can begin to be true to yourself but you are not rubbing your parents' noses in your decision.
Is your grandfather an ally for you? How do others in your family speak of or treat him? Are they sympathetic to his views or critical? Do they exclude him from anything? It can be very lonely carrying your decision all by yourself. Perhaps he will hear through the grapevine you are less involved in the organization and strike up a conversation with you?
I'm not suggesting you should do contact him specifically to talk to him about JW organization. Just wondering why you haven't seen him as a potential ally.
I've also went back and forth in my mind whether to DA or continue to fade. Threads on this subject have helped me see the pros and cons. I'm sure you'll find that true for yourself.
Right now I'm making a quiet fade to keep family as many here do. As long it continues to work I'll stick with it. I have the advantage that my family is far away.
Still, as much as I'd like to, I don't openly express my views to them. I don't post them on Facebook or other social media, or to current JW's that I have occasional contact with. There's always someone who knows someone even from across the country so it could easily get back to family. 😞
I like Rebels8's ideas very much, but some are too risky for me, but might work for you. If somehow in the future the family situation changes, I'll put a notice in the newspaper, and so forth.
Overall, I don't want to play their games including keeping quiet. But I'm stuck with that. It's a cult, I was born into it and unfortunately it will always have some negative hold on me.
Yet my mind is free and that's my victory over the WTS! Hope this helps a little, best wishes. -- LG
Originally we thought of fading, but we refused to play their games, so we disassociated and called it a day, and it has been so much more freeing than trying to fade and keep playing their toxic games. We weren't going to play pretend and stifle our lives just to keep toxic family that was already kind of shunning us. Many that fade end up shunned anyway. This way we could just go live our lives in peace and glorious freedom from the cult. Freedom is never free, there's a price. Disassociation is a magic button that ends it all, game over, go live your life and be authentic to the fullest. (It just appears that bolding things is cool in this thread so I did too, and I get tired of hearing how dumb disassociation is from people that haven't done it.)
Last night I saw my brother for the first time in years at a concert. I walked up and said hi to him and his wife, who looked at me, waved, realized it was me, turned red, and then looked away rather than look at me. That was the first time I've seen him since we disassociated. I'm still going to be me though, which is why I said hi to him and his wife. Sure, they can't talk to me, but by making him shun me like that I hope to wake up his inner humanity. If I just kept playing the game that would never have a chance of happening. We took a stand going into the organization, and we took a stand going out.
Ultimately, it's a personal decision. It comes down to what you're willing to endure, shunning or playing the game. I'll take shunning.
I wasn't even familiar with the term fade until after I disassociated. Unfortunately, I was naive and still playing by the borg's rules, so I didn't realize that was an option. Plus I wanted to stop the harassment from the elders, who kept trying to meet with me. Of course, I don't have contact with most of my family, who considers it worse that I left of my own accord instead of allowing the arseholes to kick me out.
But I share dubstep's sentiments as well. I'm happy to not have the negativity in my life, and I was able to completely cut ties with the BS.
Thanks Deegee for this site: https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/wiki/exitguide
"As with disassociation, those close to you will observe your lack of enthusiasm for various elements of the religion. You will have to decide for yourself whether they should know your true reasons for your diminished activity............. However, some families choose to remain in contact with someone, so long as they are not disfellowshipped or disassociated. Taking this course likely increases your chances of keeping some contact with family and friends.
Disappearing is a final option and sometimes goes hand-in-hand with fading. A person who chooses to disappear may have the opportunity to move out of reach of their local congregation.................... Most people that choose to simply disappear are attempting to retain family relationships, but are willing to sacrifice their relationships with friends...............
However, if family is most important, disappearing can be a viable option. Since most "friends" will no longer remain friends after a person minimizes their activity anyway, this choice can work well. Disappearing has the advantage of being able to take a moral position of not supporting the religion, while not creating an obstacle in the way of maintaining family contact.
For many, this is a more realistically attainable process. It avoids the "acting" necessary to properly fade (as fading often entails staying "in" at some level), and it avoids much of the discomfort of being confronted by people curious as to why you are not as visible. It is a quicker solution for those that wish to get on with their life, but not burn bridges with their immediate family."
I wasn't even familiar with the term fade until after I disassociated. Unfortunately, I was naive and still playing by the borg's rules, so I didn't realize that was an option. Plus I wanted to stop the harassment from the elders, who kept trying to meet with me.
Novice, I know you´re relatively new on this forum and I feel sorry for your late ''discovery'' of what a fade is and what the elders did to you. There is so much to learn from this forum.
I had the advantage that my fade in late 2015 went super fast for me and my whole family. After asking questions about 1914 and the problems with child abuse I noticed the refusal of the elders to acknowledge the facts and humble themselves and I only visited 2 public talks and went to 0 hours in 3 months. The last visit of a friendly elder must have been the summer of 2016 so I hadn´t much to complain about. I know that not everyone is lucky, I´ve read about so many different situations on this forum. It all depends on the circumstances. I agree with dubstepped that it can also be a principal decision as well...out is out so to say, but hey, so far my fade feels good but I also know that things can suddenly change. I sometimes dream of a YouTube career lol.
my grandfather is well respected but unfortunately we don't visit him as often (because my parents view him as worldly). We see him at least 2-3 times a month. My parents don't like when he and I are alone together because they assume he is "poisoning my mind". I do consider him an ally.