Parents who try to make you feel guilty.

by NJ501 22 Replies latest jw experiences

  • pale.emperor

    The first two months after I DA'd was the hardest part. I see notes on the table :

    "Do you know your mom is crying because you left?"

    "The family can no longer be happy because of what you did."

    The most heart wrenching for me was when I see my mom crying in the morning while reading the daily text. In the past, I will be with her discussing the day text...

    You are not responsible for how others react. It's the religion that has turned them into this.

  • hybridous

    Sorry to hear about the situation. Yes, they will try any angle to strong-arm you back into the 'religion'. That's how I knew it was the right choice to leave. The religion is so wonderful for you, it must be shoved down your throat.

    When met with similar tactics, I said (to paraphrase), 'I simply don't believe (some/all) of the doctrines. What would you have me do? Profess belief in things I don't believe? I could lie to the elders and the congregation; I could fool them. Shall I lie to Jehovah? Fool Him?'


    It is simply amazing just how little critical thought and analysis goes into a thing that wields so much control over their lives.

  • deegee

    If you were born-in:

    Mankind's Search for God,1990

    PG. 8 – 9:

    “We usually follow the religious ideals of our parents and grandparents. Is it reasonable to assume that the religion imposed at one's birth is necessarily the whole truth?”

    For all adult children of JWs:

    Watchtower, Feb 1st, 2012, page 19 in box :

    “Witness parents strive to inculcate love for God in their offspring, just as the Bible commands them to. Nevertheless, they realise that WHEN A CHILD BECOMES ANADULT, HE or SHE WILL MAKE A PERSONAL CHOICE WITH REGARD TO WORSHIP.”

    Let your parents know that you followed the WT's advice:

    "Test every inspired expression to see if it originates with God or not" (1 John 4:1-4).

    and the WT came up short.

  • honest

    Yep me too. My father asked me if I was still a jw. I lied. Because they make you lie. These people are so brainwashed that are not capable of being normal. Normal parents don't disown you for leaving a religion. my parents told me I had to go back to meetings for them to have communication with me. I am inactive not d'fd. They are abnormal therefore lying to these brainwashed souls is justified Imo. I also don't care about their Jehovah and his commands of truth, Imo he is a piece of shit. He doesn't deserve my honesty especially at my expense. Lie and save yourself from the watchtowers evilness. it's a cult. We have power if we have communication with these poor souls.

  • stuckinarut2

    Simply offer them this brief statement:

    "Dad, Mom, I am very thankful that you raised me to value truth and honesty in all things. You taught me the importance of using my God given brain to ensure that I never betray my conscience. Thank you. It is for this reason that I have chosen to step aside from the Organization."

  • carla

    original question- "When parents say all the things we've done for you and your not doing anything for us in return like going to meetings, witnessing, answering up etc.."

    How is going to meetings, going door to door, etc... 'doing' anything for the parent? the only way it would be 'doing' anything for the parent is the parents standing with the rest of the cong. That sounds pretty selfish to me that they are worried about their own reputation rather than the spiritual/mental/physical well being of their child.

    What do normal non jw's 'do' for their parents? they help them with yard work, household chores/fixing things, they go to lunch or bring a meal over, they call them and check up on them on a regular basis, etc.... they actually help them in real tangible ways no matter what their beliefs are. They honor their parents by being there and loving them in person. The parents gratefully accept and love their child even when the child believes some goofy thing or does stupid things in life. They know, in their wisdom, that we all must make our own mistakes and in the end will be responsible for our own eternity whatever that may be.

    But then they have what some call 'natural affection' for each other. Something the wt regulates and allows or disallows depending on the current wt rag. How many times has the policy flip flopped?

    The jw parent could, if they wished, to have a normal relationship with their non jw children. If they put love before men. The jw parents could change the entire shunning policy if they had just a bit of courage.

  • OneEyedJoe

    The key, at least for me, is to build up your own self-confidence and objectivity. You know it's a cult. You know to participate in its activities makes you complicit in fraud, abuse and even (via the blood policy and HLC manipulation) murder. Why would you ever feel guilty for failure to participate? You ought to be proud that you've taken a stand against the evils of the cult at great cost to you.

    What worked for me while I had lingering feelings of guilt/doubt was to mentally walk myself down the path that I'd taken that led me to leaving. Walk back past all the deaths the cult has caused (blood ban, malawi, organ transplant ban, etc etc) and all the money it's taken and all the child victims of pedophiles it's turned it's back on and all the lies it's told you. If you do this enough times when you start to feel doubt/guilt, it becomes second nature and you know the path so well that you skip over the guilt altogether.

    Now that's probably not an effective response to your parents, but it's the first part of having one - it will help you to be unaffected by their appeals which will be instrumental in stopping them doing it. My response to attempts to make me feel guilty by pointing out the fact of my lack of participation in cult activities is simply to acknowledge the facts, then offer to give them my reasons if they'd like to hear it. Getting emotional (any emotion, as it turns out) will only validate their preconceived notions. If you respond with guilt, they'll see it as "you know it's the truth." Anger makes you a bitter apostate. Exasperation at their ignorance means you're condescending and puffed up with pride. In my experience, dispassionate fact-based discourse quickly shuts down the conversation because it dispels any notion that they might have of manipulating you, and they certainly can't suffer facts long as they quickly being to cast the cult in a bad light. They know this on some level and therefore avoid the conversation altogether.

  • EverApostate
    OneEyedJoe has very good points

    Reassure your parents that your love for them would remain as ever.

    Make them realize that serving an Organization doesn't mean that you are faithful to your parents. It takes time but would work. My Experience.

  • DesirousOfChange

    Similar to what Pale Emperor has expressed, I try to "turn the tables" and ask (usually it's my mother) WHY they have NOT left? Appointment of elders/MS/pioneers who are abusers, thieves, liars, adulterers, etc. Is THAT evidence of Holy Spirit?

    Didn't they foretell THE END in 1914? 1925? 1941? (which she remembers) 1975? (which I remember) and by the "end of the century?" And now it's really, really, really close!!! We are in the FINAL minutes of the Last Day of the Last Days!!! (WOW!! Really??) "What convinces you that they are right THIS TIME?" [Quote Deut. 18:20]

    Make them tell you WHY they haven't followed Christ's warning not to follow them. [Luke 21:8]

  • scratchme1010

    When parents say all the things we've done for you and your not doing anything for us in return like going to meetings, witnessing, answering up etc..

    How do you respond to parents?

    I was too young to be able to come up with something, and sadly I believed that crap. Knowing then what I know now, I think the best response is nothing. Let them be and don't buy into that nonsense. They are not doing you any favors, it's their responsibility (morally and legally) to take care of you properly. However, those guilt trips are useless, and certainly not inviting to conversation. So say nothing, ignore it and concentrate in leaving them as soon as you can.

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