My Dad's Funeral

by Disassociated Lady 2 12 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Disassociated Lady 2
    Disassociated Lady 2

    I had not seen my Dad for 15 years because I had left the Borg. (I had been out 26 years but there was a few years when the JWs permitted contact with outsiders and then changed their minds again). They made contact with me again just before he was diagnosed with cancer. I was shocked at how old they had become which reminded me how long I had been out of their lives. I had moved 300 miles away as I had not family contact at the time of moving and didn't see the point in staying around.)

    The day of the funeral arrived and I went to the Kingdom Hall and sat with my Uncle who is also disassociated. The JWs spoke to me, took them a while to recognize who I was even though many of them had grown up with me. The coffin was outside in the hearse as it would have been difficult to get it in the hall as the building is below ground level. I did not know the elder who lead the funeral service he spoke a little about my Dad doing an elaborate dive into the swimming pool before getting baptized instead of queuing quietly with the others which they had words with him about later lol. Other than that it was all the usual stuff they come out with. My mum chose her favorite song, not my Dads and the funeral seemed to be more about what she wanted.

    The gathering after was held in a local pavilion. There was about 150 there. One of the men who I had known since childhood said that my Dad spoke about me all the time!! Another young woman who I did not know had the cheek to tell me how my Dad had walked her down the aisle and given her away at her wedding!! My Dad was not able to that at mine and her words really hurt, how inconsiderate!!

    It seemed strange to have all the JWs I remembered speak to me in a way I wished they hadnt as I felt it made things worse. Anyway as soon as the funeral was over my Mum returned to no contact, as I called on her one day with my son and she wouldn't even let us in the house. Boy did I tell her a few home truths when that happened.

    I know I will have to go through all this again when my Mum dies and will do so to support my sister as she is having a difficult time caring for her. She is inactive but my Mum has contact with her because she needs her. My brother is an elder and moved far away after my Dad died so he didn't have the responsibility which has been so unfair.

    There just seems to be no consideration for others feelings in this organization even though they give the impression that there is. I honestly dont think any of them know how to. :-(

  • OnTheWayOut

    Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps to vent. Some JW's can be just barely decent enough then pull the rug out from under your feet.

  • Finkelstein

    Sorry for your unfortunate plight Dissociated Lady, its not a uncommon one though revealing how the deviously corrupt JWS cult break up families.

  • dubstepped

    They lack basic humanity and are tone deaf narcissists that care about nobody else. I don't think I will participate in any way when the inevitable happens. I'm dead to them, they're dead to me. Sorry you had to put up with that bs. That comment about your dad walking that sister down the aisle was petty and just evil on a level. They don't deserve your attendance or participation.

  • Stirred

    Your brother sounds typical of the holier than though elder types who drop their responsibilities on others to care fo their family. Your sister has a choice. Since she is inactive vs DA or DF, she is likely tolerated. If my mother shunned my son, I think I'd continue to send pictures and share how good you are both doing ... maybe once per year. Your sister has a choice on how to care or not to care for her mother. Maybe you can have your mum move to the same neighborhood as your brother? Take turns? Find a mutual plan?

    So sorry for your loss and the unintended extra pain the revelations have caused. I do understand in my own quirky way how others get to have experiences you craved to have with YOUR own dad. It hurts anyway you slice it and you just have to process it and be thankful for those in your life who value and love you and would never want to lose a moment with you.

  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    Funerals are for the living not the dead so I get where your mom would want her favorite song. The insensitive witness walked down the isle may have wanted to let you know that your dad didn't miss out on walking someone down the isle because you were not available. What motive that may have been is unknown. Sorry for your loss.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Many Jehovah's Witnesses are overly officious about their beliefs, it's the curse of belonging to a legalistic religion. Most of them just don't know quite how to behave nor are they prepared to do the right thing, when the realities of life strike. They spend most of their lives side stepping reality and using their religious beliefs as a way to cop out of doing the things they don't want to do. Unfortunately, time has a way of catching up with them and it isn't pretty. Fortunately for you DL 2, you have grown as a person and although you've been treated poorly and unfairly, you'll be better off in the long run for having removed yourself from the vicious cycle they are trapped in. Sorry that you had to go through aren't alone.

  • hoser

    I was at one funeral where the elder giving the talk tried to guilt inactive family members into coming back. That’s pretty lame.

    Sorry you had to deal with that. Cults kinda suck and most of us didn’t choose to be part of it.

  • Good JW
    Good JW

    Sorry for your loss! It's one of the hardest things, not only with losing your dad, but having to submerge yourself in the JW environment again. When my dad died I too had to go back to the kingdom hall etc, it's such a mixture of feelings. Emotions are heightened so it's easy to become sensitive about things which may not have troubled you much before. It definitely gets better! I fell out with my close JW sister and her husband around that time but things are pretty amicable now.

    I've now learned to accept the quirks of the JWs, it doesn't bother me anymore (it's actually amusing sometimes). Doesn't matter if the same courtesy isn't reciprocated, I understand the situation and that gives me peace. Have learned to build my self worth in other ways (not validation through acknowledgment of other people or feeling accepted within a certain class). It's good to know why there's been such a big learning curve when leaving (e.g. social awkwardness, detachment, difficulty trusting people etc). In a sense, since I know how much adapting that's had to be done, it makes me realise many of my former associates are still "in that (deluded) place" so don't hold much against them (pity more than anything else). You do get the few narcissistic types, or power hungry ones, but in the main I find they're just trying to clutch onto some sort of hope (even though IMO the doctrines are often the main cause of fear etc).

    Going cold turkey (no JW contact at all, either through people or media/online forums) is usually a great plan - focus on your own life (building lasting friendships etc) and don't expect much, if anything at all, from your former JW friends. That's not to sound negative or bashful towards all JWs, just a bit of realism, especially if you're feeling extra delicate :)

  • menrov

    Funerals are indeed for the living. As such, if my wife who is pimi, happens to die before me, I will not organize the funeral at a KH nor will I allow them to speak if they attend the funeral. Probably my only moment to remember her how I want to.

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