Being a Socially Inept ex-JW

by LaurenM 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • LaurenM

    So I'm absolutely clueless concerning relationships. I had barely any friends at all growing up a JW kid & absolutely NO interaction with "worldly" people or any guys whatsoever.

    I have had a relationship of sorts with a guy for 4.5 months now, but I'm so clueless! Am I calling him too much or too little? Am I being too clingy or too distant? How do relationships work? How do relationships work? How do people stay together?

    I have this fear that this will end because that's what I've always been told: "worldly guys will use you and loose you" so I keep almost breaking up with him, just to speed it along..I might still do it.

    It makes me incredibly depressed, but I think I'm just better off alone. It is WAY too stressful trying to figure out how to interact normally with other people--"worldly" people--especially romantically, when you are a socially awkward child-like idiot...has anyone else suffered from being socially isolated as a JW?

  • OneEyedJoe

    Yup. I'm right there with ya. I recently realized that I've literally never made an effort to make friends, and am now in a position where I really need to. I'm sure the relationship issues will be there when I get to that point, too

  • rebel8

    Sure, you can break it off. Then you will miss this opportunity to develop relationship skills, and you will probably be more lonely and depressed.

    Yes, I lacked relationship skills. I am not great at it even now. I broke off a lot of relationships when I became uncomfortable with my lack of skills or when I was asked a lot of questions about my past. I always hid my jw past. Nobody could really relate to me when they tried to talk about their childhoods.

    People learn how to be in a relationship slowly IRL. They interact with kids their own age. They date. They go to parties and proms. Their little hearts get broken. All of this is how a person learns how to do relationships. We skipped all of that and must learn it in adulthood.

    So here you are. It's up to you.

    If you decide to stick with it--

    Have you told this person about your past & feeling that you don't know what to do?

    Ask specific questions from people you trust, for example, how often should I call him?

  • just fine
    just fine

    So glad you posted - I was wondering how you were doing. I was/am in the same boat. I didn't know how to react in most social situations and either over reacted or under reacted. Personally, I dated and made friends and joined groups, and made mistakes. Most non-JWs expect you to make mistakes and are very forgiving. Relax, have fun, there's only one way to learn............

  • 10thplague

    I'm on the exact same boat too! It's so difficult to just be thrown into the mix with NORMAL people. I had no clue what having a real friend can be like. Someone who doesn't spend time with me out of obligation, or because we have religious common ground. Unconditional friendship is so incredible. Don't give up on trying. I know how hard and scary it is. It's almost like jumping off a cliff every time you meet someone. But once you get past the scary leap, the risk is going to be so worth it. Get out there and meet people, just for the sake of doing so. I never had friends until the past two years, and now that I do I don't know how I made all these years. Just get out there and keep trying. You'll get the hang of things, and the effort will be so worth it.

  • Divergent

    You're just starting to figure things out. Don't give up!

    For me, I felt socially inept - AS A JW! Once out from the cult, things have changed for the better. Sure, it takes time to learn, and you make mistakes along the way... but so does everyone else! From what you said, it looks like your own insecurities are the main cause that this relationship is suffering...

    Please watch the video below. I only have 2 words of advice for you:

    Surprise yourself! =)

  • disposable hero of hypocrisy
    disposable hero of hypocrisy

    Hey, glad you're ok matey.

    Keep at it, it's a learning process for sure. "Be a friend to have a friend" is what I was taught.

    Wishing you well..

  • Deleteandrestart

    I understand that completely..... As a witness for many years, keeping away from most normal people who I didn't have a reason to be with ( the " truth " ) and seeing them as ultimately corrupting, which they are not , left me socially lost and awkward, always feeling the odd one out, always seeing people through suspicious eyes, and yet when you she'd the bubble of delusion you see that there are very many beautiful people out there, it's just learning how to filter things properly, that's a skill the world learnt a long time ago but we are generally uneducated in this respect and it takes time to understand that people can love you for what you really are and not your spiritual status, but just for you , I wish you best wishes and please don't give up because there are very many of us out here who know and feel exactly the same as you .

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    Er yes, no fucking clue here.

  • FayeDunaway

    Lauren I'm glad you're ok! You went through a very bad time there and I'm glad you seem better and are trying to figure out how to improve your life.

    I'm with rebel8. Talk openly with this boyfriend of 4.5 months, let him know you don't want to crowd him but also not be too distant, and because of your background and inexperience, you might need some clues as to how much is just right. But how much YOU want is also important too, don't feel like you're a slave to whatever this guy wants. Relationships are all about balancing needs and compromising.

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