Just an update on me

by Phoebe 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • Phoebe

    Hi everyone, I came on here a few weeks ago and told my story and you were so kind, caring and welcoming. Your messages of support moved me to tears. I was so grateful.

    Well, to briefly recap, my husband left the 'truth' years ago, my kids too, so there was just me and I've struggled on alone. It all came to a head last summer when I was diagnosed with undischarged post traumatic stress. This comes from a horrendously unhappy childhood when I saw much violence and from being sexually abused on two occasions. And yes we were the 'perfect witness family' to everyone that knew us. Anyway, I've given my entire life to this religion (50 years baptized) I've been a pioneer - everything. So with my therapy I decided to approach the person that abused me and ask for an apology (He is a so called 'fine standing elder') I told elders in my congregation and, at first, they were all for going after him but I needed to be in control so I said I'd write a letter. He didn't reply. Of course. Why would he? I sent it twice. No reply.

    The elders in my congregation continued to be supportive. They kept saying we're in your corner. We'll support you blah blah.

    But, oh how they have changed!

    Last week one of the elders came to my house and said: 'of course we STILL believe you, I mean why would anyone make that up? But if he denies it well, what can you do? Life isn't fair sometimes. You'll just have to put up with it and wait for the new system.'

    So, clearly my abuser and his network of elder buddies has got to my elders and probably called me a crazy person telling lies.

    My husband was so angry with them for the flippant way they spoke to me.

    So today, I went to the meeting. I still go because they hassle me if I don't and because I have friends there, but my heart isn't in it anymore.

    We stood up to sing the song about God appointing men who are faithful and true and the Wt is about putting our trust in them and I just lost it. I totally lost it. I burst into tears, picked up my bag, coat and books and ran out of the hall. An elderly brother (not an elders) said 'are you okay?' and I mumbled something and just ran out of that place and cried all the way home.

    How could I sit and listen to how wonderful the elders were when my abuser was singing the same song in another congregation getting away with it? How could I hear how loving they are when I hear of dozen of cases of how badly elders treat people?

    I walked home and I prayed. I told Jehovah I love him, I love Jesus. I want to serve him still but I cannot do this anymore. I'm done.

    Thank you for listening. I needed to share it with someone and it helps to write it down.

  • scratchme1010

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that your family supports and loves you.

  • James Jack
    James Jack

    WOW, sorry for the pain these idiots caused you. Did you ever think about reporting the abuse to the Police? Or, has the statue of limitations run it's course?

  • Vidiot

    * hugs *

    Some of the most thoughtless and offensive things I've ever heard were said by dumbass loyalist elders.

  • dubstepped

    I'm so sorry for your past and what you experienced. Just know that it wasn't your fault.

    I know you feel like the elders just think you're crazy because of their cold reaction, and maybe it's the case with some, but there really isn't much they can do now, or really ever. Looking to them is wrong in the first place. Of course an abuser will deny, and what really are they to do at this point. They should be a comfort, but that's usually way out of their league.

    You need professional counseling. You need to stop going to meetings just to avoid hassle. In fact, you may be able to spin this your way. You were abused and need to spend time getting real help. You are probably among the depressed, and they usually get a pass on meeting attendance. Maybe it's a way out.

    As you can see, those people aren't real friends. You can find genuine people in the world that will be compassionate friends. Maybe a support group for victims of abuse would be a good place to heal and connect.

    In the end, you can't heal while serving an abusive organization. You have to do something different if you want different results. Please get help if you aren't already. Take care of you. Leave those monsters behind.

  • Vidiot
    dubstepped - "...the depressed... usually get a pass on meeting attendance..."

    For now.

  • tiki

    Phoebe....please....don't go back. Move forward, be brave...let the religion go. If your friends in the cong are true friends they won't abandon you. Concentrate on you...your life, the good and positive things. You've been through enough...don't allow any more to be hoisted on you by hypocritical judgmental self righteous ones. Please...leave them behind and find peace and joy in reality.

  • Giordano
    I walked home and I prayed. I told Jehovah I love him, I love Jesus. I want to serve him still but I cannot do this anymore. I'm done.

    Well nothing is stopping you from having a private prayerful relationship with your God and his son.

    Nothing is stopping you from reading your bible though it is probably best to consider a better more accurate translation like:


    Nothing stopping you from taking a break from meetings and FS, no reason not to stay in touch with close friends especially those that understand what you have gone through.

    My final thought for you is this............. With Elder's like these and the sexual abuse of children still on going why would your God bless their efforts?

  • Xanthippe

    Dear Phoebe, from your point of view believing in God and Jesus, surely you don't think this religion that protects child abusers and pretends those who care nothing for you are your dear shepherds is still the truth? My advice, for what it's worth, is stay with your loving family and forget about this abysmal religion. Do your research in peace at home. Look into the history of the Bible, compare religious views, also look at science and find your own way. Wishing you well x

  • steve2

    Thank you so much Phoebe for sharing such painful experiences with us. I am glad that you have sought help with your post-traumatic stress and had the courage to write to the perpetrator who is now an elder. Have you talked over with your therapist or perhaps a women's rape-survivor counsellor what legal options you have? JW elders are so shocking two-timers when it comes to cases like yours: They daren't say the wrong thing so they give the impression they are listening to you, but with the first hurdle or two, they turn the tables. Fact is, they have absolute no accredited training in responding to allegations of sexual abuse. Their first move is always to contact the branch office and take their lead from the advice they receive. It is interesting that this elder was not even asked to stand aside whilst they conduct an investigation. Even worldly organizations have a strict protocol for allegations of historical rape. It is JW organization's ongoing shame that it prioritizes the two-witness rule over all else.

    Please, please do not stop this dreadful outcome from stalling your own journey of recovery. I am so pleased you have a husband who is 100% supportive and his reaction to the smarmy elder is priceless.

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