Engaged and having a baby, I’m not JW fiancé is

by Viarayne 33 Replies latest social relationships

  • Viarayne

    I’m definitely not “trolling.” Not exactly sure what kind of benefit would be brought to me by hunting down a forum for a religion I don’t even believe in to inquire about the effects it may have on my child and I, and what my fiancé/father of my child is expected to believe of my child and I. Such useful information unless you’re in the situation....

    Anyways, I did receive some interesting answers here and I’d like to thank those who genuinely took the time to reply. A little more information I’ve gotten since, my fiancé is not baptized. His mother and father are however. My baby will grow up as I did, with birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, and any other holiday I feel like celebrating. In addition to that, they’ll never live their life in fear of a “worlds end” brought upon by god or being disfellowshipped and treated like the dirt on the bottom of what was supposed to be their close family and friends shoes.

    I simply came here for perspective of those who are more knowledgeable about Jehovah’s Witness than I am, because obviously my fiancé is never going to tell me the negatives because he doesn’t see them in the same light I do.

  • Incognito

    Welcome Viarayne,

    I'm sorry that you have been placed in the situation you find yourself in.

    While you respect his right to practice his religion, JWs do not respect others to do likewise if it is not the JW religion they wish to practice.

    Most times, anyone who asks here about a romantic relationship with a non-practising JW, is usually told to run and not turn back. Because you are already pregnant, from what I've seen, you have not yet been told likewise.

    The reason most here are critical of a relationship is due to mental conditioning in anyone associated with the JW religion for any length of time. Unless a non-practising JW recognizes for himself the JW religion is not 'The Truth' and therefore chooses to leave for that reason, that person will typically continue to believe the religion is God's only chosen religion and will often return to it even if they haven't been active for several decades. Many times, there is a life-changing event (marriage, the birth of a child or death of family member) that prompts the person to 'return to Jehovah'.

    Your fiance's choice to return to that religion will impact and place a burden on you and any future children even as you do not wish to join. Since JWs believe God considers it wrong to celebrate Birthdays, Christmas and almost all other celebrations, he will most likely not participate in those events and may also oppose you and your children from practising them. As holidays are often occasions for family gatherings, those events will probably result in additional emotions, stress and tension in your home.

    As JWs do not believe blood transfusions are acceptable, if you should require blood and cannot speak for yourself, as your spouse, he will likely speak on your behalf and oppose a transfusion for you. If your child should need blood, even if you are in favour, he will likely oppose even if it means your child will probably die as a result.

    JWs males are considered within the religion to be head-of-the-family, with veto power over anything you decide. As such, it will be expected that you and your children are to be in subjection to his headship. Even if you refuse to join the religion, he will be expected to train his children to become JWs regardless of your opposition.

    Children within a divided family who learn JW beliefs, often experience unusual stress since they are told that Mommy will die at Armageddon because she refuses to become a JW.

    It has been stated during JW meetings that kissing an unbelieving mate is equivalent to kissing a corpse.

    As you remain unmarried, it is not acceptable within the religion that you are living together. Although he is not baptised and hasn't associated for some time, because he was raised 'in the truth', he is deemed to know right from wrong unlike a full-blown 'worldly' person and so will likely be required to move-out until actually married.

    There are punishment methods JWs can and will often utilize when dealing with an unbaptised 'associate' that is considered to be unacceptable or a bad example to the congregation.

  • Tameria2001

    Incognito said something that reminded me of something. I know at the moment you are probably not thinking about it, but it would be a very wise idea to discuss with your doctor, and put down on paper your wishes in case of a medical emergency regarding blood. Hopefully, everything goes smoothly regarding your birth, but just in case there are any complications that might happen. Even past that, make sure your wishes will be honored in case of an accident that would require emergency medical attention. If you leave this in the hands of your future husband, most likely he will prevent the doctors from giving you a blood transfusion.

  • joe134cd

    My baby will grow up as I did, with birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, and any other holiday I feel like celebrating. In addition to that, they’ll never live their life in fear of a “worlds end” brought upon by god or being disfellowshipped and treated like the dirt on the bottom of what was supposed to be their close family and friends shoes.”

    You either didn’t watch or didn’t understand that link I sent you. In theory what you have stated is very reasonable and workable but I’m telling you, you are been totally naive about a very different reality. You have been given some very good advise from people who have spent decades in the religion (myself for 40 years), so we certainly know what we are talking about. Incognito summed it up so well, and the critical thinkers channel is a very respected resource in the X- JW community. You seriously need to sit him down and discuss with him the points on here and that link. I promise you if you don’t you will have nothing but regrets.

  • smiddy3

    My question is Viarayne why would you want to marry and tie yourself down with someone with all of these potential serious relationship issues in the first place ?

    Marriages between couples can have enough problems of their own in living with each other without having known problems before you even tie the knot .

    It just seems a stupid risk to take .

    but that`s just my opinion,go ahead if you think you can change him or have a stress free life with him.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    there is another angle to marrying an ex jw.

    i am an ex jw--have been so for over 40 years. in that time ive been married 3 times ( and thats not counting my first wife--who was a born-in jw---and still is )

    my second wife ( married 24 years ) always thought of me as a jw--even though i had left well before i met her. she used to taunt me about it--and use it in any argument--about anything--we may have had.

    my 3rd wife ( married and seperated 5 years ) also regarded me as a jw---on the basis it was because i now had no religion--so i must still be one by default.

    my 4th wife--the one im with now..knew a fair bit about the religion--as she dated one in her early 20's. he subsequently met and married another jw. my wife is catholic--but never goes to church. i think she also regards me as jw--on the basis i dont attend any other church.

    so in the mind of a "wordly" person--its once a jw--always a jw.

  • joe134cd

    Like I stated before while you are openly discussing with him the points on here (and he certainly needs to know you retrieved this information from apostates on the internet). I would be very observant to his reaction toward not only the information itself but also where you got it from. This will help you determine his mental conditioning. Like has been stated here unless your bf has mentally made up his mind that the JW religion is a load of nonsense then I promise you despite what he says you are going to have problems. It is for this reason even the JWs themselves condemn the practice of been unevenly yoked (go ask him what that means).

    If you are so confident that he will respect your decision in not been a JW ask yourself this

    (1)Why didn’t you go to the local elders or directly to his parents to make enquires first. Why was your first port of call a group of anonymous posters, who are viewed by JWs as been mentally diseased and handed over to Satan.

    (2) “ Because obviously my fiancé is never going to tell me the negatives”

    Why do you think that would be? Why do you think you would be reluctant to, or feel bad about asking? If you can’t openly and honestly communicate what sort of foundation is been layed for the future.

    In my 40 years in the religion I only knew of one couple where the male was a jw and his spouse wasn't, and was able to do it successfully. He was a convert and has been a long term elder, and all his kids are fully indoctrinated JWs ( and in my opinion he deserves a knighthood because I just don’t know how he done it.) But for him I can count dozens that haven’t ( in fact one I heard of just recently), and quite often it’s on here where the carnage turns up.

    All the best for your family.

    Just for a change of subject about a poster on here I suspected of been a troll. I would like to apologise to her. I received a PM from her.

  • JW GoneBad
    JW GoneBad


    I really don't think you could of gotten better marital advice and counseling had you gone to a professional & paid for it vs what many here are honestly cluing you in on! Take your soon--to-be-newborn and raise he/she on your own. Hopefully someday you'll find a suitable mate, good provider & father. In the meantime take this guy to court and start child support proceedings...let's hope he doesn't turn out to be a 'Dead Beat Dad' like soo many other JW bum fathers have become!

  • joe134cd

    This is a doctrine that is quite central to JW religion. It has nothing to do with relationships or life style choices If he cannot accept this for what it is, and still wants to return to watchtower, then in my opinion he is still very much mentally in and your relationship will not work. I’m sorry.


  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    I know of a girl who married an ex JW. Then she got pregnant and he got reinstated so he could see his family. Now her child is dying from a blood disease and guess who can't have a transfusion?

    Guess she will also see her child die...

    Give him the ring back and walk away. It will not end well.

Share this