Shunning Hath Begunith

by Solzhenitsyn 23 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Solzhenitsyn

  My spouse assumed that being honest would feel liberating. Appointments were made with PIMI parents to let them know of the decision to no longer be a JW. Not D/A, just done. Before the tall nonfat latte at Starbucks was half drunk and after her parents asked several direct questions, they stood up, hugged her and said "well this is goodbye, return to Jehovah and we'll pick up right where we left off, we love you," and walked out the door.

  I had to leave work and go get her because she was in such a state of shock. Hours later and she has cried herself to sleep.

  I am able to power through the semi-shunning of my parents because I WAS THEM! I shunned family and friends galore while I climbed the WT ladder then got near the top only to find there was no one there. I understand why they do and say what they do. I love them and will be there for them if the day comes and they wake up.

  But for my wife. Since baptism 30 years ago, she never wanted anything but a close relationship with God and to have a circle of friends. She has always looked for the good. Hated placements in service choosing to usually just offer a scripture of encouragement and be a listening ear. She has always cared less about JW dogma and apologetic discussions. She watched me climb the ladder, kiss arse, brown nose, hone the theocratic skills, JC committee draining, ect. I recently asked her why she always supported me through my narcissistic JW travels and her answer was, "I always figured I rather you do that than have no beliefs and sit at home. At least we were together."

  I so wish I could take away her pain. Seeing her the way she is, the effect of JW doctrine coming to life in a sterile rejection from her parents, makes it so much more clear we are doing the right thing. Our children/grandchildren will never have to shun us nor us them.

  Aside from time and love/patience from me, thoughts on what else can be done to help her heal?
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  Tameria2001

  It is just going to take time, and keep doing what you are doing, just be there for her. My husband and I left it together, although he was just waiting for me to wake up to the whole thing, which I did. There will be days, even when you think it is all behind you, that will creep up and just mess with her head. I've been out since 2001, and even to this day it sometimes happens, especially when something comes up involving the relatives.

  We both raised in it since we were 4 years of age, and both of our families are still very much involved with the Watchtower. Fortunately for my husband and I, we left it when our boys were only 4 and 6 years old, and they are living very full lives without any of the JW influences. One is in his third year of college with a very lovely girlfriend whom he is very serious about, and the other married with a baby.
  
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  dubstepped

  I'm so sorry man. My wife's family caught wind that we traveled to see my disfellowshipped brother one time and she never heard from them again. Her sister told her she was an apostate, spread the word, and it was over in a night. No closure, no discussion, we were still in.

  The only way around is through. She will have to learn the concept of acceptance. She will have to make new friends who love her for who she is. It will take time. Friends are tougher to make as you get older. Maybe she can reconnect with people from her past that were shunned.

  My wife has made some good friends. She didn't really have much from her past so her roots were almost totally severed and it has been much tougher for her than for me.

  I wish you both happiness and peace. Time truly does heal if we put in the work, but she's going to likely have a tough time, at least for a while. You need to let her be, let her deal with her feelings, and not try to fix things. Be a good support and listen and empathize. She'll find her way.
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  zeb

  • "We need to examine, not only what we personally believe, but also what is taught by any religious organization with which we may be associated. Are its teachings in full harmony with God’s Word, or are they based on the traditions of men? If we are lovers of the truth, there is nothing to fear from such an examination."

    (THE TRUTH that leads to ETERNAL LIFE, p.13)

    So from where have her parents learned this hateful dogma?

    This shunning is a two edged sword.

    • when they come running for $$ help and using all manner of emotional blackmail to get it remind them of this fatal day and suggest they ask their (beloved) elders or write to the wts for help.If you have been rejected then all of you including your earnings are rejected as well.
    • seek that creative hobby you have always wanted to do. You will meet nice folks the world is not full of utter bastards as wt constantly says.
    • and be this a little severe; "When you are going through hell, keep going"--Churchill.

  My sympathies in having family that is so cold and hurtful. write here or pm anytime.
  
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  nicolaou

  Aside from time and love/patience from me, thoughts on what else can be done to help her heal?

  So sorry your wife is going though this solshenitsyn. My only suggestion, and I'm sure you've already done this, is to reassure her that she is not responsible for her parents behaviour. Jehovah’s Witnesses are so indoctrinated that they don't realise how skilfully they shift the blame for their abusive behaviour onto the victim. Help your wife understand that she has nothing to feel guilty about.

  Sounds like she's lucky to have you..
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  smiddy3

  olzhenitsyn

  I feel for both you and your wife buddy,its no fault of you or your wife she just has to realize and accept that her parents have made that choice and the onus is upon them to heal the breach .

  And that you both are their for them if they ever wake up to the real "truth"
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  JW GoneBad

  Aside from time and love/patience from me, thoughts on what else can be done to help her heal?

  One thing is for certain...you reminding her that you have each other and that she's not alone in dealing with her parents-will go along way in helping her cope with her parents' rejection. It's absolutely awesome and a big plus the fact that the two of you see eye to eye regarding this cult. Reinforcing the hope that one day her parents' awakening is a real possibility will help her as well.
  
  
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  Xanthippe

  She needs distraction while her feelings start to heal. Perhaps start planning a big trip, somewhere amazing to take her mind of it.

  Your wife sounds like a gentle, kind person going by the way she tried to just be a listening ear while on FS. Perhaps when she's ready she could do some voluntary work, with elderly people, in a hospital or a in mental health charity?

  Meetup.com is a good idea further down the road. It's helped me to meet people to do things with, theatre, meals out and so on without having to make friends necessarily. She can make friends this way but it is much slower and less intense because they are not conditional friendships like in the JWs. Best of luck to you both.
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  The Fall Guy

  Everyone's reaction to shunning will be different, but in your wife's case, her best healing will come via yourself and others who have genuine, non-conditional love for her. I wish you, and especially your wife well.

  I received a bitter telephone call many months ago from one of my two sisters, warning me never to contact her ever again for any reason whatsoever.

  My "crime?" I'd been sharing media items about the org with both my sisters. They then got together and decided that I was speaking "negatively" about the org, and as such, I deserved to be stoned to death.

  Their loss - not mine. Why would I want to be associated with people who "hate by decree?"

  The same sister pointed out this scripture to me after I got baptised years ago:

  Galatians 4:16 - "So, then, have I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?"

  I smile now when I read it.

  
  
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  ToesUp

  I am so sorry that you both are going through this. It is cold and hurts like hell.

  "makes it so much more clear we are doing the right thing." You are spot on with that.

  Give her time and let her process it all. Lots of love from you will be her biggest asset.