Disfellowshipped/disassociated – How did your parents handle it?

by Richard_I 22 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Xanthippe

    My mother was very depressed about me DAing but then my mother was depressed her whole life. Nothing I said or did ever helped her. She wouldn't get professional help. She reacted by shunning me and having nothing to do with the child I had six years later. My daughter could have brought her so much joy. She was dying in hospital the only time she asked after my daughter, who wasn't there, she was at a birthday party.

    So be aware if you DA your JW parents may shun you until they die. Sorry to be so blunt but it needs some serious thought. For me there was no choice.

  • scotsman

    I'm not DA/DF but my departure still left my mother in a permanently depressed state and she no longer sees me - it was tears every six months anyway.

    It'll hurt them however you leave but it's not you, it's the religion that's hurting them.

  • dubstepped

    They won't give two shits what happens to you after you disassociate so why should you care about them. Yes, they will react badly but that's on them. You live your life your way and they get to do the same. It's not up to you to take on their feelings.

    My wife and I both disassociated. Best decision we ever made. Are our parents bothered by it? I'm sure, but how does one really know when they're shunned and will never see them again? I'm dead to them. They are dead to me.

  • scratchme1010

    To those who were disfellowshipped/disassociated – how did your still-in parents handle it?

    I don’t want to fade, so I am thinking about disassociating soon – I don’t care if I’m playing by the org’s rules, I just want out.

    However, I am concerned about how my parents will react. I don’t want them to become super depressed or whatever due to me leaving the org.

    I don’t want them to be hurt by my decision to leave the org, but I feel like there is no way of avoiding this.

    I wasn't, but some members in my family were. My parents just followed JW protocol.

    What I'd suggest is to look into your own particular situation. It may not make sense to you at this point, but trust me, as much as the WT and the JWs try to convince and claim that all JWs are the same "sheep", we all are individuals with our own individual needs, feelings and family circumstances.

    Whatever happens in your case, make sure that you look/find support from people who really appreciate you no matter what you believe.

    Also, don't rely exclusively in this forum or other ex-JW places. Many ex-JWs still shun others that don't share their own opinions. Force of habit, I guess. Sometimes some people still feel like they are in the congregation and expect everyone to behave as such. Keep that in mind.

    There are many good things about these places since there are people who perfectly understand where you come from, but the world is much larger than your life as a JW and your belief system after.

  • Crazyguy

    Don’t DA especially if your still living with them, that would be like cutting your own throat. Wait till you out of thier home and then fade away. Many parents still have relations with their kids even when their no longer active.

  • Richard_I

    So far I've still just faded. I last went out in service in January 2018 and the last meeting I went to was in July 2018.

    I visit my parents about once a month and we don't talk about witness stuff, but I think they know I don't attend meetings anymore - my mom used to ask me if I went and I would always say "no" and she hasn't asked me in months (we live in the same city but different attend different congs).

    I have not received anything from anyone who was in my congregation really - no texts/calls other than like a phone call from my COBE (who was also my group overseer) a few months ago wanting to know how I was doing. I didn't answer and didn't reply to his voice mail.

    This week my COBE texted me twice to let me know that my meeting was cancelled due to the snow we've been getting... Even tho he hasn't seen me since July, and its February now. I didn't reply to his messages.

    Anyway I really feel like mailing my disassociation letter now. I've been living on my own for a few years now. I don't want to make up an excuse to my COBE so he can stop texting me.

    I have no intention on going to the memorial, nor the big convention that will be held in my city this year. I haven't told my parents about this yet.

    My parents will be upset that I disassociate but I don't think that matters to me anymore. I barely text/talk to them, mainly in anticipation of this event so that they're used to not knowing anything that goes on in my life. I just don't care for this religion or any religion at all anymore.

  • snugglebunny

    My parents became convinced that I left because of the ban on oral and anal sex. I wasn't even aware of the ban, having left some time before that particular edict. However, years later when the ban was lifted, my momma eagerly took me to one side to explain that "if a man wanted to treat his wife like a homosexual" then it was now OK. At this point I had no intention of discussing my private life with anyone, let alone my mother, and she then became deeply offended that I was deeply offended.

    Nuts, just nuts..

  • DesirousOfChange

    We have a successful fade in progress. My zealous JW mom thinks we are just stumbled and inactive and she continues to communicate openly and freely with us. I think that if we were DF or if we had DA, it would make it much more difficult on her. Take that into consideration if you feel that your parents WOULD PREFER to continue to have communication with you. IF YOU DA -- IT PUTS THEM UNDER MORE SCRUTINY IF THEY KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP OPEN.

  • dubstepped

    It's up to you man. What is most important to you? For some it is taking a stand against the JWs. For others it is family, even if those relationships are toxic. Only you can weight the pros and cons. As to what kind of scrutiny your family ends up under, that's their problem unless you're trying to keep a relationship with them. Some relationships are worth keeping, others aren't. Everyone has to make their choices and live with the consequences. What choice will you make? Do the one that fits you. It's your life, not that of your parents or anyone else. I know one member here disassociated recently and it was good for them. I know that in a group I run a few have done so and felt good about it. Others continue playing the game and fade. It's your life. We can't make the decision for you. We can be happy that you're out, however you choose.

  • Finkelstein

    The best advise into leaving the JWS concerning a long term relationship with your still in family is to be quiet and leave, while keeping yourself in a state of good moral social values, regarding ie sex, drugs, booze etc.

    It is much more advantageous to be non objectionable stating your doubts about the faith are too strong to continue .

    .......and dont go into a long contravening argument to why because that's what JWS will try to do, this is where you have to make a personal commitment, very important upon your beginning to leave .

    Why ? because they are trained to seek out apostasy which is very important toward noisy inquisitive elders to proceed with DFing a person.

    Hint : smile and shut it,

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