Disfellowshipped/disassociated – How did your parents handle it?

by Richard_I 22 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Richard_I

    To those who were disfellowshipped/disassociated – how did your still-in parents handle it?

    I don’t want to fade, so I am thinking about disassociating soon – I don’t care if I’m playing by the org’s rules, I just want out.

    However, I am concerned about how my parents will react. I don’t want them to become super depressed or whatever due to me leaving the org.

    I don’t want them to be hurt by my decision to leave the org, but I feel like there is no way of avoiding this.

  • Iamallcool

    If you don’t want to fade, the only option is da’ing yourself. I have been putting off for years to officially disassocating myself for family reasons. When you feel the time is right, send the elders your disassocation letter. You are right there is no way to avoid the “consequences” when you are officially disassociated.

  • moreconfusedthanever

    I have not DAd or DFd. I stopped going to meetings and witnessing and my mother is depressed, sad and afraid for my life. She wrote a friend of ours saying that the pain is unbearable.

    There is no way out without hurting someone.

  • happy@last
    [email protected]

    My JW parent stopped all communication the day she found out I had DA'd. She no doubt is used as an example of a 'faithful' person and believes I will die.

  • Sail Away
    Sail Away

    My husband was raised in from age five, a former FT pioneer, Bethelite and MS. He faded in his early thirties, never DF'd or DA'd. They shunned him and applied the 'essential family business' rule for decades, including giving his then faithful JW wife (me) and baptized children the cold shoulder. We are all out now, but they didn't know that.

    My in-laws health started declining rapidly in their 90's. The elders called my husband and told him it was his responsibility to care for his aging parents (He is an only child.) There has been a lot of drama, including the passing of my MIL.

    Now my husband talks with his Dad every night at 6:30 pm. If he is late in calling, his father calls him. Funny thing that his Dad learned how to initiate phone calls after all these years! Still 'essential family business', IMO. His Dad needs him to run his rental property business which will be liquidated upon death. Proceeds to go to the WTB&T$.

    Now my FIL wants me to travel 1,000 miles round trip and go through my MIL's clothes and shoes (not even close to my size) to see if I want anything. Oh, and, "It would be great if we could bring a large van to haul out the rest of her stuff." Direct quote. And we should stay in a hotel, because I refuse to sleep on a 40-year-old mattress that wreaks my back. Apparently it is "asking too much" to replace the mattress for my comfort. This said on the same day he got a $65,000 check for the rights to put a single windmill on one of his properties. I think not. Bat sh*t crazy. You can't make this stuff up.

  • Freedom rocks
    Freedom rocks

    Unfortunately there's no easy way out of the organisation. They've made it that way to keep people trapped. You could feed them the odd question about some of the teachings before you leave without mentioning where you got them from. Jwfacts has great information to help with this. In time maybe those questions will make them have doubts themselves. Its not that long since I D'A myself and I feel so free and happy now and like a massive weight is off my shoulders. I wish you the best. You can not let the fear of hurting your family by you leaving the cult stop you living your life the way you want to. Live your life to the full, make new friends, have fun!

  • Searril

    I don’t want to fade, so I am thinking about disassociating soon – I don’t care if I’m playing by the org’s rules, I just want out.

    I don't understand why you necessarily have to do either. I don't know anything about your parents, but what would happen if you just stopped going and if an elder asks you said "I find myself suffering from extreme depression when I attend meetings or go out in field service"?

    I'm not minimizing your issues, so don't think that way. I'm just speaking from personal experience. I just stopped going (although I did end up moving about a half a year later, but not because of elders tracking me down).

  • Still Totally ADD
    Still Totally ADD

    As parents our son was DF at the age of 18. He really thought we was going to kick him out of the house. We didn't and reasured him we would never do that because we love him. During that time he was out we paid for his training in a local trade school so he would have a good job to support himself. This is a job he is doing to this day. When the CO came in town for his visit and heard what we did he tried to have me removed as a elder. It did not happen although looking back I wish it did. At any rate when we left the Borg our son now in his thritys and married stop having anything to do with us. So this is kind of reverse shunning on your topic. He just turned 41 last Friday I hope he is doing well. Still Totally ADD

  • Giordano

    Just disengage.......... no need to DA yourself. You want to keep in touch with your parents do so. Why buy into their religious norm that refuses to buy into your humanity?

    Of course you will get feed back from your parents........'Hey you haven't been to a meeting for a while now!'

    You....... yeah I'm taking a break. 'What do you mean your taking a break?' You....'it gets stale after a while....... same old stuff.'

    'Get's stale? What are you talking about?'

    'Hey Jesus lasted for three years....... I've been in it for 10, 20, 30 years.....like I said I'm taking a break.'

    Then change the subject. Do not tell your folks that you don't believe. Do give them a chance to catch their breath and see that you are pretty much the same loving son.....just that you are no longer engaged.

    Stay with that and you have a good chance of keeping your family.

    Remember it will be your family and your close JW friends who will turn you in. So no need to tell them what you really believe.

    Being indifferent to the WTBTS is your best option. What are they going to do with your disinterest.....nothing.

  • stan livedeath
    stan livedeath

    i am one of the few who still had close contact with my jw parents. this started in 1981. i had previously resigned as a dub--10 years before. then--in jan 81 it was announced in the hall that i was regarded as apostate and to be treated the same as a d/f person. fine with me--just what i wanted.

    life carried on with my parents-- i was their only offspring. some years later i was talking to dad about the shunning side--and he said he could not find any scriptural reason to shun his son. but i think it meant limited responsibilities in his congregation. ( not the same as the one i had previously attended ). so--winners all round ha ha.

    years rolled by. mom passed away in 1998, dad lived on till 2016, i visited him several times a week in his care home. his jw grandchildren--and even great granchildren never went near him. he was nearly 95 when he died.

    my older son--now 42 was d/f about 10 years back. his mother--a staunch born-in, totally shuns him. so she has never seen her grandson..

    this shunning is an evil controll mechanism: fortunately it is interpreted differently according to each individual dubs conscience.

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