Help Please - Finding It Hard Adjusting To The Real World

by pale.emperor 43 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Stealth

    What your going through is somewhat a normal process for born ins who leave like myself. Some things that may help.

    * It's a process that takes time, be patient. You were indoctrinated for decades so it will take some amount of time to deprogram. For me, it took over a year of no distraction (other than my job and kids) deprogramming before being out felt more normal than being in.

    * Lower your expectations when it comes to how many friends you will have or even need. You will likely never has as many friends now then the so called friends as JWs. I personally found that one or two authentic friends was enough for me.

    * Be patient, it does get better with time.

    * I got divorced also during my exit period and I intentionally decided to hold of with dating other women for one year. This helped me focus more time on my deprogramming and protected me from getting into a rebound relationship that I would regret later. This worked well for me.

    * Keep coming here for support.

    * If you get a chance to contact relatives, let them know that in order to maintain family connections you a willing to never discuss any religious topics with them as long as they don't with you. This don't ask don't tell relationship did work for my father and I. But don't get your hopes up if they are hardcore JWs they probably won't budge.

    * Always remember, the problem lies with them, not YOU!

    I know what you are going through, it can be tough, but if you stick it out you will more than likely not have regrets later.

  • scruffmcbuff

    All of us that have been DF have been there my friend.

    You are free now to actually live! Youve been alive 31 years and you have only just started to live!

    This isnt a post of sadness this is a post to congratulate!

    If you need help in anyway im here for yourself and anyone else reading who is going through this!

  • dubstepped

    Next week is my one year Shunniversary. I identify with your OP but can tell you that there's a magic point where all of that goes away fast. You have to give it time. Decades of cult indoctrination don't just disappear overnight. You need to develop friendships. That will help. You need to tell your story to people and feel seen and heard. It will happen for you. Do not give in to the cult and go back. I know the pull is strong now, but it will dissipate as one life replaces the other. Stay strong and you'll ultimately be happy like never before.

  • xelder

    Hey PE.... This is what also happened to me, a born-in 5th generation very visible elder. In 2010 after I turned 50, my then wife and I started a fade. We were scared to lose our children and grandchildren to shunning. Then my wife left me. So, my business was in a decline, my religion was a joke, my 30 year marriage failed, and I risked loosing my kids. I felt so lonely always even though I was never DFd. My parents and extended family ignore me.

    I hated it when people told me that "time will heal", but, it is true. I figured that Dr Time must be a quack. A cut on your arm is easy to monitor as it heals, but our emotions and brains are harder to monitor through the healing process, and can be full of ups and downs. It is like loosing weight. Years of junk food don't disappear in a week. The desire to go back to junk food is often strong, but exercise and good foods eventually change you and you can reach your goal.

    My passion was my grandkids. But also, I read science, (hi cofty), history, took classes at community college, joined a few groups. I remember the day near Bishop, California when I hiked through the 4700 year old Bristlecone Pines at 11000 ft elevation growing out of white rocks that used to be a limestone seabed and proving to myself that no flood waters covered it 4600 years ago. I promise you that at 31, it will likely be worth it. I got my kids out when they were early 30's and we are a happy group of xjw's with new productive ways of life. I occasionally have some strange dream like giving a talk at the assembly and I can't find my notes. But JW influence is 90% gone. Be patient with yourself and understand that you have some damage. It will likely turn out better for you and your daughter someday if you stand for what is right.

    Also, a friendly wave to you single ladies out there:)

  • DesirousOfChange

    You have in all probability another 50 years of healthy life to live......maybe more. You can spend it being an ex JW or a reborn person who has sustainable new beliefs and wants to accomplish something. ~ Giordano

    There is a lot of meaning in that statement. It gave me a bit of an awakening. (That's what I LOVE about this place!) I just realized that all the time I've been doing my "fade" (3-5 years) I've continue to view everything as an "Ex-JW" I have been failing to move on into the (new) life I now have. . . . . . . DOC

  • Blackfalcon98

    Given your background, and the fact that you were busted for using this site while posting under the username: "pale.emperor", wouldn't it be discrete if you were to AT THE LEAST use some different username?

  • contramundum


    Waving back

  • Heartsafire

    PaleE, so sorry to hear you're feeling blue. You know, you have been through a lot lately. Lost your family all at once. That is not easy on anyone-- Dub or non. I don't know you, but your story has touched my heart. Keep telling your story, and try to make a lot of friends too. Do whatever it takes. For example I temporarily joined a church group for some exposure to people who would be interested in me and my story. It was an awesome experience, and I still have really good friends from it to this day. If church isn't your thing, there are other groups you can join too. Give yourself permission to be free of guilt and to focus just on you. Find out who you really are and what you love and enjoy. I am sure you will find your niche in this world. You've already inspired me just by posting on this forum. All the best.

  • xelder

    Nice to meet you contramundum. I sent you a hello in the PM

  • aboveusonlysky

    There are some truly great posts in this thread people, very moving.

    Pale.emperer I really feel for you dude, please try to think about what you have gained rather than what you've lost. This cult will always do it's best to take something from you, that's what they do after all but what you gain by being free is far better.

    Since waking up I've lost some family, many friends and had some pretty horrible stuff said about me in the JW community. On the plus side though, me and my dear wife have just had our first child, something we were going to leave till paradise (it's just around the corner you know!) nothing compares to that man! Btw that's why I haven't been around for a while, the sleepless nights really do take their toll!

    I'm over 10 years older than you, and sure I'd have loved to have done this earlier, but when I think what I have now compared to being trapped in a cult I can't stop smiling, this is real life afterall, not some illusion.

    Make the most of what you have buddy, 31 is a brilliant age, even if you're starting over. All the best. Aboveusonlysky.

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