Hi everyone. Im asking for you guys help in a phase im going through right now. Im sure it’ll pass but id appreciate your advice.
Born in, my family consists of mum, dad, two brothers and two sisters. My family were good JW’s who made sure we had NOTHING to do with non JW’s – even non JW family. So I have no idea who or where my non JW cousins are (something I deeply regret). One of my brothers isn’t baptized but he’s studying.
I have aunts and uncles and cousins who are still in.
Im disfellowshipped for apostasy. I was trying to fade but my cover was blown and in my JC I voiced my concerns over the ever changing doctrines (from their own mags). I don’t consider myself an apostate, simply someone who’s looking for truth and is humble enough to follow evidence rather than superstition or wishful thinking. Anyway, that made me “an apostate”. So my family think im disfellowshipped because I am trying to draw people away. Which im not. I told them I don’t talk about religion as a rule. So there’s no reason for any JW to be fearful of me.
Anyway. Im obviously being shunned by all of them. Because I was a good JW I had no “worldly” friends. None. So I feel like im starting my life again at 31yo. I passed up going to medical school when I was in my early 20s because Armageddon was so close. Now, it’s too late to start down that path. My brother who is studying is shunning me too but he still smokes. So it’s annoying that he’ll gladly follow the rule of shunning me but wont give up his cigarettes.
Im finding it really, REALLY difficult living in the real world. I imagine this is the point most people go back to the witnesses. It was comfortable. I mean I was miserable but I somehow felt comfortable. Im happy im out of that cult and that I can finally think for myself. But thinking for myself somehow feels wrong. Like the other day I was in a store and saw a T-Shirt that had Harley Quinn from the latest Suicide Squad movie on it. Rather skimpily dressed she was. I liked it but my JW brain clicked in “no you cant have it, its pornea”. But of course I CAN have it if I want to.
Then I written “happy birthday” on someone’s birthday card that was being passed around the office. I felt like a bad person. I know that sounds silly but it’s true.
It’s like there’s a nagging voice at the back of my brain calling me on the things I do.
Thursday evenings and Sunday mornings I feel like someone’s going to knock on my door asking why I wasn’t at the meeting. I have a new girlfriend now and although I don’t feel guilty staying over at hers I DO feel guilty in that my family don’t know about it. I mean, I would tell them, im not ashamed of it, but because they’re shunning me they don’t know anything about it. They likely think im “enjoying a sinful life” but in reality im the same person I was before. Only now im true to my inner self and I have my own morals.
Any born in’s relate to this? How long until this passes? Am I supposed to do something to speed up the transition to a normal life?