I've been out of it for 9 years now and I still feel guilty. My mum majored in emotional blackmail which is why I pioneered when i left school instead of going to college like I was desperate to do. I couldn't bear to upset my mum. All the life I had lived was to please my mum. I would say and do the right things to please her even if I didn't agree with it myself. She wanted me to be her perfect little angel and I was. When I ws df'd I tell her it was out of my hands. In a way it was - I was being disfellowshipped for talking to a man that I once had a relationship with. He was worldly, married but separated (getting divorced in fact) and we never did anything sexual. I had broken up with him as was the right thing to do but he waited for me in the town and I bumped into him and had a brief conversation. This was what I was disfellowshipped for. They didn't believe that I wasn't having sex with him. anyway, I said to my mum that it was out of my hands because it was really - they didn't believe me so that was it. She fully expected me to go back straight away and so did the elders (which begs the question, why DF me in the first place if they could see I was repentent?) I saw it as my ticket to freedom. I was devastated at losing my two best friends and didn't know how I would cope with my life turned upside down but I knew I had to take the chance. All my life I had wondered if I would ever have the guts to upset mum and get out. This did it all for me. But now, 9 years later, my mum thinks that if she can get the elders to re-instate me for df'ing me for no reason, then I would go back. I've told her I won't ever go back but she doesn't believe me. She insists on witnessing to me at every opportunity even though I get very angry. She is doing what she did to my dad and who eventually succumbed and joined the borg. She has spoken to the District and Circuit overseers who agree with her but say it is too late to do anything although they are looking into it. Some of the elders have apologised to mum and dad for what happened with me but none of them have apologised to me. The injustice of it is what annoys and upsets me the most. It was all I'd ever known all my life and when I go to them for help, they brow beat me, bully me and harass me for every single tiny, personal detail. Then they don't believe me and df me anyway. And she wants me to go back?
How do I get her off my back? I've had very lengthy calm discussions with her. I make it quite plain - if she comes round in December I don't hide my Christmas tree like my sister does, I make it very plain that I don't want to be involved yet she doesn't want to hear it. They speak to all of us still even though all 4 of us are out, but we are not allowed to eat with them which creates major problems at weddings and funerals etc. I think this was a way of trying to warn us that one day they might not speak to us anymore - to shock us into action. Sometimes I believe this although deep down I don't think she will do it because she will lose all hope of every trying to get me back.
Any advice?