How do you handle a disappointed mum?

by Nic 17 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Nic

    I've been out of it for 9 years now and I still feel guilty. My mum majored in emotional blackmail which is why I pioneered when i left school instead of going to college like I was desperate to do. I couldn't bear to upset my mum. All the life I had lived was to please my mum. I would say and do the right things to please her even if I didn't agree with it myself. She wanted me to be her perfect little angel and I was. When I ws df'd I tell her it was out of my hands. In a way it was - I was being disfellowshipped for talking to a man that I once had a relationship with. He was worldly, married but separated (getting divorced in fact) and we never did anything sexual. I had broken up with him as was the right thing to do but he waited for me in the town and I bumped into him and had a brief conversation. This was what I was disfellowshipped for. They didn't believe that I wasn't having sex with him. anyway, I said to my mum that it was out of my hands because it was really - they didn't believe me so that was it. She fully expected me to go back straight away and so did the elders (which begs the question, why DF me in the first place if they could see I was repentent?) I saw it as my ticket to freedom. I was devastated at losing my two best friends and didn't know how I would cope with my life turned upside down but I knew I had to take the chance. All my life I had wondered if I would ever have the guts to upset mum and get out. This did it all for me. But now, 9 years later, my mum thinks that if she can get the elders to re-instate me for df'ing me for no reason, then I would go back. I've told her I won't ever go back but she doesn't believe me. She insists on witnessing to me at every opportunity even though I get very angry. She is doing what she did to my dad and who eventually succumbed and joined the borg. She has spoken to the District and Circuit overseers who agree with her but say it is too late to do anything although they are looking into it. Some of the elders have apologised to mum and dad for what happened with me but none of them have apologised to me. The injustice of it is what annoys and upsets me the most. It was all I'd ever known all my life and when I go to them for help, they brow beat me, bully me and harass me for every single tiny, personal detail. Then they don't believe me and df me anyway. And she wants me to go back?

    How do I get her off my back? I've had very lengthy calm discussions with her. I make it quite plain - if she comes round in December I don't hide my Christmas tree like my sister does, I make it very plain that I don't want to be involved yet she doesn't want to hear it. They speak to all of us still even though all 4 of us are out, but we are not allowed to eat with them which creates major problems at weddings and funerals etc. I think this was a way of trying to warn us that one day they might not speak to us anymore - to shock us into action. Sometimes I believe this although deep down I don't think she will do it because she will lose all hope of every trying to get me back.

    Any advice?

  • shamus
    but we are not allowed to eat with them which creates major problems at weddings and funerals etc.

    Just disgusting how they treat people, isn't it? Look up the scripture that says do not eat with a person who is considered a brother who is a fornicator, adulter, yada yada yada.... Can you believe the nerve? It must hurt coming from your own mother....

    I say just tell her in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you have had enough... injustice or no, they proved that by their actions they are NOT the true religion of the earth, end of story. If she starts witnessing to you, just kindly REMIND her about your previous conversation, and you don't even want to hear about it. It is a hard thing to do, but you need to do it. Tell her how you feel about the elders / everything, and how you will never join a religion based on lies.....

    She is manipulating you, and the sooner that you set her straight the better. It is a hard thing to do, but just put it in your mind that you are going to tell her no matter how scared you are, and don't put it off even for a SECOND! Distance yourself from the emotional pain that you must feel and think of it as a JOB that needs to be done.... something that you are required to do no matter how hard it is. That is how I work with behavioral clients, and it works! That is how social workers, care workers, etc. have to deal with it....

    PM me if you need to talk... and welcome to the board, BTW!

  • Francois

    Your mother is in high denial. I don't think she can be coerced to see reality. My mother is also in this high denial and attempting to get her to admit what is obvious to everyone else is like being beat on the skull with a 10 pound sledge hammer.

    The only time it feels good when someone is beating you with a sledge hammer is when it stops. So I made it stop by moving 350 miles away. And my mother even attempts to rationalize THAT.

    You just have to face it. There are some people that can never be won over to reality. Your mother is one of them it seems. Do what's right and sane for you.

  • SheilaM

    Be wise you are an ADULT, your Mothers responsiblity was to give you wings not to burden you with guilt. It is NOT your responsibilty to live your life to please her,yes you should try to be a good person but that is all. She is your Mothers she should be proud of you period end of sentence.

    If you continue to live your life to please her you will be miserable. Just tell her that you love her that you respect her but HER choices in religion are NOT your choices and their choice to boot you for NOTHING is evidence of THEIR LACK OF LOVE.

    Peace to you and remember you have done your duty as a child now you need to be an adult.

  • bikerchic

    Hi Nic,

    Sorry for the mental tourture you are going through and as I've read everyone's reply I have little to offer but this one thing you stated in the beginning really sticks in my craw....

    My mum majored in emotional blackmail

    One thing I've learned at the hands of people like your mum is you have to engage them in the game. To get her to stop, simply tell her to STOP and refuse to even have the conversation. Make your NO, NO! This means repeating it, walking away from her, leaving the area, whatever it takes for her to get the message and then you have to NEVER allow the topic to come up ever again! If it does repete the same process until she gets the message and I can tell you it will be a battle of wits and wills.

    Now the quincker in this shows how much you really are committed to wanting the game to stop, the ball is in your court and you have to engage it and stick to the game plan which is hard, but in time she will get the message, remember as you said "My mum majored in emotional blackmail"

    I hope this helps and best of luck!


  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    Call me Joshua, the son of none.

    I cut mine off - she doesn't know where on the planet I am, nor shall she ever.

  • Shutterbug

    MegaDude had some excellent advice in this thread :

    This conflicts somewhat with the advice bikerchic offered and I'm not saying her way is wrong nor is MegaDude wrong, just go with what you think will work in your case. A couple of folks here moved away which worked for them. Bottom line, your Mom is engaging in harassment, at least in my opinion, and you will eventually need to put a stop to it for your own peace of mind.

    All of the advice offered is good, rather it conflicts or not, but you will have to decide which way you want to proceed.

    Best Wishes, Bug

  • Elsewhere

    My dad was the same way... he would guilt me at every opportunity to get me to do what he wanted. He did it so much that I "burned out" when it comes to guild. Anytime someone tries to get me to do something using guilt, it does not work. In fact, it makes me angry. The result is that anytime someone tries to use guilt on me, I milk it for all its worth until I can get as much out of THEM.

  • blondie

    This book helped me a lot. I am 50 plus and my mother is still trying to play.

    To paraphrase a movie, "the only way to win is not to play the game."

    Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
    By Susan Forward, Craig Buck


  • Loris
    Call me Joshua, the son of none.

    I cut mine off - she doesn't know where on the planet I am, nor shall she ever

    I must be Joshua's sister. I sent my mother a Birthday Day card on my birthday with a note that said thanks for not believing in abortion. I let her know that although she is my mother I do not feel that I should be forced to be friends with someone who obviously doesn't like me. I haven't heard from her since. Silence is golden. Loris

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