I'm getting disfellowshipped

by raven 28 Replies latest jw experiences

  • LisaRose

    I am very sorry to hear that you are being disfellowshipped, I know how painful it can be.

    Whether parents continue to shun seems to vary quite a bit. It's a very difficult thing to shun a child, no parent wants to do that. Very hardcore JWs do shun of course, they believe it's the only chance for their child to gain eternal life. At the other end of the spectrum you have parents who treat their children like nothing happened. Most parents are somewhere in the middle, often you have a kind of hot and cold, they miss you and then allow contact, but then the Watchtower comes out with a guilt inducing article and they go back to the hardcore shun for a while. It can be crazy making, try not to let it affect you to much one way or the other.

    You know her best, but even so It's impossible to predict what will happen, so I suggest you prepare yourself for the possibility that she will cut off contact. This will be very difficult, there is no getting around it, but try not to take it personally, if she does shun you it is not because she doesn't love you, but only because she is being manipulated by a heartless organization. Let her know that you love her and will always be available to her. At least you have the hope she might someday see the organization for what it is, and even if not she may soften her stance as time goes by.

    Sometimes peace comes with acceptance of things that are outside of our control, and this is one of those situations. If your mom passed away you would eventually come to terms with it and move on in your life, at least with this situation you have hope that she may eventually come around, who knows, maybe she will find ttatt on her own. Try to build up a network of friends to rely on so that you will be OK no matter what.

    I highly recommend meditation for dealing with difficult situations like this, it has been life changing for me. It is easy to do, costs nothing and has proven health benefits as well. Another coping strategy is to journal, just sit down every day and write a few pages of your thoughts. No editing, just stream of consciousness, whatever pops into your head. There is something about the process that helps to you deal with things, you will be amazed how well it works.

    Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with this ((hugs)). You are young and have your whole (cult free) life ahead of you, I am sure you will be just fine.

  • zophar

    The fact that your mother had lunch with you knowing your situation is proof that she WANTS to have a relationship with you isn't it? She WANTS to show love to you because that is the way we are made.

    Just tell your mother that you love her unconditionally. And, just as she has the right to decide how she lives her life so do you but that does NOT affect your love for her. Let her know you will always love her regardless of her religion. Then, ask her if she REALLY thinks Jesus believes we should disown our family. His brothers were not believers and yet there is NO proof that Jesus ever shunned them. And, they had Jesus himself in their family!

    I agree that in your situation I would not pursue legal recourse. The religion is going to do what they do and it only highlights your opposition. That is probably not the best thing for your mom to see. I think your mom is really hurting too. She probably only reported you because she thought she had to. Your continuing to tell her you love and need her will do the most to break down this unnatural barrier her religion is imposing on her.

    I wish you the best. You never know what can happen.

  • millie210

    Im sorry such distress is in your life right now raven.

    would it help any if you printed out the part of Docs comment from the elders manual so your mom knows exactly that she can contact you rather than some elder just telling her what he thinks?

    Also, it has been my experience that older parents are hesitant to break relations with a grown child. Perhaps it is the sense of getting older and more fragile and feeling they need their adult children?

  • maninthemiddle

    The hardest thing i have yet to come to terms with regarding my DF is similar to what I fear for your situation.

    The day before my DF my mother would talk to me, the day after she wouldn't. To clarify, she knew what was going on in my life.

    I have a hard time forgiving her for that. It's simply fear of man (the org), not fear of god. In my case it was simply celebrating holidays, basically, apostasy, but waiting until the DF to cease contact.

  • FayeDunaway

    It's all so sad and sick.

    She might still talk to you on the sly, depending on if she's hardcore or not. She might be more nervous about you coming over and your car being seen at her house etc than talking on the phone. Talk about these things to her before it happens. Some families even end up leaving if their children are cut off, because they see the cruelty.

    I remember a disfellowshipped member here, pbrow, actually forces his presence on his mom, shows up and does her gardening etc., and they have a relationship because of it. 

  • Sail Away
    Sail Away
    And you never know; this may be the thing that causes your mom and family to re-think the shunning policy and all things borg. Let's hope. --DJS

    My son's getting disfellowshipped was my tipping point. I had long-standing doctrinal issues, but that was the last straw. There was no way I was going to shun my son. I was in for 42 years and had raised my kids as JWs. Shunning can wake people out of the JW trance. I do so hope that happens for you, Raven.

  • oldskool

    Choices have consequences. You are living with your boyfriend, something the group does not approve of. Living with a boyfriend violates JW norms, and will always jeopardize "fading". I would hope you accepted the potential consequences before you went down this path, but your writing suggests something different.

    The best you can to is to accept you made the choice that was best for you, despite the consequences. Essentially, giving it up (mentally) before they take it away.

    Are you sure your mother did not reveal your situation to the Elders?

  • talesin
    Hi everyone, a bit of an update here on my continuing disaster of a situation.. (refer to my previous posts for the full story) my mom met with me yesterday for dinner, it was nice.. However, she brought up the fact that because I live with my boyfriend and how everything has gone down, I will be disfellowshipped.. I think the elders basically have enough proof of this.. Due to the anonymous tipper (still have no clue who it was, I live in another town 100's of miles away from my old congregation territory), and my mom telling them. I'm not sure when they will announce it, or if they will contact me prior.. At this point I feel so emotionally dead I don't care- On the other hand, I don't want to be disfellowshipped because I do not want to loose a relationship with my mom. That is the whole reason I tried fading out..

    raven Your mom turned you in. That is a very difficult thing to know (imo, speaking as a daughter who was betrayed by her mom).

    I feel that LisaRose had some good advice, and I would like to mirror that. Scroll up, if you will, and read her post again, and I think you will find it helpful.

    Don't spend the rest of your life trying to gain Mom's approval. It will only bring pain. You are worthy of all the good things in life - personal fulfillment, self-awareness, and bliss, to mention a few. Your mother has little to do with that - make your own path. She is not worthy of you. Your story touched my heart. We do NOT have to bend to our narcissistic mothers' will! Rise above her mental hysteria, and have a good life. xx

  • Crazyguy

    I think your mother told the elders and if they contact you maybe you should contact them and deny you did anything wrong. They need two witnesses not just your mom say your mom made it up or something. Then if you have to apeal to your mother about how Jesus was all about forgiveness not killing people spiritually because of one sin.

  • konceptual99

    Sorry to hear that you are being disfellowshipped however I agree with oldskool - moving in with a boyfriend within six months of stopping going to meetings and telling your mum is a high risk strategy, long distances accepted.

    I think the advice you have had already on trying to keep the contact and build on it is good.

    I really wish you the best and hope that your mum sees beyond the rhetoric and is happy to carry on communication.

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