Just needing a listening ear, so in advance thanks for being here, no one other than ex-jw's could understand. They may try, but I think only a person who lived through it could know what's its really like.
I wish I could be supporting others here but I'm so broken myself I can't seem to do that yet. I hope that will come in time though.
For now, I'm trying to undo the damage done to my family by the WTS. At least now that I'm out I won't be creating any further disasters.
I have so much guilt that I raised my kids in that crazy cult. Because I was third generation, I knew nothing else. But that doesn't change it, the damage is already done. Fortunately, they all left before they were reached twenties. It may appear that by leaving so young they would be OK. But, those early years is when the personality is formed, education choices, the whole thing. Everyone here is healing.
Yet, at this moment my youngest only 19, recently married, and now expecting a baby is in financial crisis. As in, the power was shut off today at their apartment. $600.00 to get it back on. Past due rent, $500.00. And both of them possibly coming to stay with me tonight. They can't stay here for any length of time, my lease doesn't allow it.
Yet, it's so easy for people in general and even some family members to say it's her own fault. They say she made bad choices and there is no point in me trying to defend her to them. I've tried. I'm the cause, I think. She has some mental health issues, as do I. I'm much better now after years of therapy. I'm down to only one medication. I've been stable for two years.
Is this because of being raised in a cult? Hmm, well if anyone outside the organization were to view the video on JWFacts called something like "Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness" (not sure exactly) they could see the potential psychological effects. It's a crazy religion. All of my years in therapy I never suspected it was the root issue. Who would? But, now that I've left, talked with my psychiatrist, therapist(s) it's all come together. They were appalled by the video, it mirrors my life. The teachings, attitudes, everything I was taught and believed is incredibly twisted. My doctor, and therapists are attributing my problems to it. But, it's in the past, already I've become so much better. After only one month out last April, there have been no more anxiety attacks. I can think clearly, I'm not afraid of dying at Armageddon, I'm not being constantly lectured that I'm not doing enough, and the list goes on...
I can think for myself at last instead of hoping Jah would do something useful, knowing he never had. I no longer believe in God, what a relief! I'm not helplessly in someone else's control.
I'm actually able to at least help my daughter figure out how to get out of this disaster, and hopefully prevent it from happening again. Though I don't know how really. She has walked away from an ideal situation living with a good friend, her second Mom. Much better than me. But she returned from there, Florida, to a not so great city in the Midwest. No opportunities. Friends who are dysfunctional, like herself, like me. That's not sound thinking. It's illogical. No one would choose chaos of they really understood what was going on. I gave/give love, but how to live in the real world, I didn't. I'm barely learning now myself. I'm receiving SSI for my mental health issues. No, it's not visible, I'm not socially odd. But, I'm just now learning how to keep myself intact. This little daughter is everything to me, and she loves me, we'll get through this. I know we will. Every day is a step forward. We're learning. So glad my other two are alright.
Just pointing out that though the religion may not be entirely at fault, it's a major reason. Thankfully, it's rare for JW's overall to get to this extreme point.
Also, I am embarrassed to admit the above, about my mental health, or lack thereof, but it is part of the subject I stated with. Just how difficult it is to pick up the pieces after the influence of my lifetime and my family's in the supposed "Truth." I would appreciate any advice related to how to improve this situation going forward. I'm done with lamenting to myself and therapists about the past, it's gone. It's over, it's all a matter getting on with living.
Thank you for listening and any thoughts/suggestions.