For the last few months, I feel like I've been going through the 5 stages of grief. Lately, it's been happening simultaneously. In my other posts, I've expressed anger at my family and congregation for their thoughtless ways. Yet at the same time, I get incredibly saddened with the thought that one day, my family will never contact me again and act like I don't exist. Yes, it makes me angry and somewhat hate them, but it still hurts. Before my baptism, my panic attacks were controlled, they rarely occurred anymore. Now they've been happening non stop, at least twice a week for the past two months. I've been really wanting to restart my therapy sessions, but since we're in a rough spot financially, I know it's now possible. Crying spells, panic attacks, snapping on people for little to no reason and my suicidal thoughts have been the norm for a while. My boyfriend has taken notice and has greatly helped me, even tried to get one of his friends whose a therapist to talk to me (unfortunately, due to this therapist's distant location and revolving schedule, it hasn't helped much). He has stayed by my side, listened to me vent, even understood and forgiven the times I snapped at him (which I feel incredibly guilty for). The other day, he spontaneously took me out to lunch and bowling. Doesn't sound like much, but I felt great all that day.
He has been much more supportive than my family. "Oh you're sad? Obviously you're not doing enough for Jehovah and he's not blessing you. Either do more or suffer and shut up." My sadness is a sign of my spiritual weakness, and I need to get over if I want to make it into the new system. Never have I wanted to breakdown and punch someone at the same time in my life. They keep saying I must want to be depressed because I'm not happy. It's honestly sickening and fuels my anger. I hate what the WT has done to them.
I just wanted to get my feelings out there. This forum is the only place that truly understands the struggle.