I could really use some advice

by sandy 31 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mary

  Sandy, you should read that book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"..........it shows how men and women view relationships differently and I wish the book had of been around 20 years ago when I was going out with someone that I loved and lost. I didn't have the first clue as to how to handle a relationship and I screwed up big time.

  Let him alone right now. Don't spend any time with him, no matter how much you may want to. He has to see that you are not automatically going to be there now that's he's decided to break up and it'll give him something to think about. I'm quite disgusted that after 4 years in a relationship with you, he's "too horny" and immature to realize that's he's behaving like a fool.

  Hopefully, he'll come to his senses one day and see what a good thing he gave up.

  Good luck.
• 

  Ravyn

  were you both Dubs? 21 is not young in my opinion. my husband had sex the first time at age 14! and if I was not a Dub it propbably would have been about 15 for me. it may be valid that he thinks he needs to see more of the stuff available out there, if you are his first and you have been fairly steady for 4 years. but, and this is rhetorical and personal--not intended for you to answer in public---just to think about in private.....how much sex did you have with him? I mean once or twice a week? more? less? if he loves you why can't he just have more sex with you, if horney is the problem? sounds more to me like COMMITTMENT is the problem, not horney. And contrary to popular belief men do grow into the big C. But it took my husband until 35 and another good friend of mine until 32, and I have two more single male friends who are 30 and 34 and still not anywhere near the big C. It seems to be common among the 60's and 70's kids to commit late. All my husband's cousins either are still single with boyfriends and girlfriends or lived together for ten years and had kids before they got married. I think we are still the only ones who got married in the Church(which makes it binding to a Catholic family). And frankly I put up with 5 years of $h!t before he finally figured out it was time to grow up or I was gone.

  You can wait, but maybe it might be better if you cut your losses and move on. I do not think I would have done it over again if I knew from the beginning how hard it would be.

  Ravyn
• 

  happyout

  Hi, Sandy,

  I'm sorry you are going through this. When I was 18, I met a guy and we stayed together for 4 years. We were "pre-engaged", meaning I had a promise ring, we had purchased furniture and china, etc. and we were scheduled to go to Vegas and get married within a month. I was a little concerned because while I had been allowed to go to parties and such, he never had. Hanging out with me, he got the chance to meet a lot of people, and experience new things. Unfortunately, I realized that he needed to have a lot more experience in life before he would be ready to get married, so I broke up with him a week before our supposed wedding. It was so hard, because he was my best friend, and I really really loved him, but it was the best decision I could have made. I do not regret it for one moment. The truth is, sometimes we come into people's lives at the wrong time. The good thing is, your boyfriend (supposedly) did not cheat on you, but was honest enough to say he is not mature enough to stay in this relationship. It hurts now, and maybe will for a while, but it's so much better to get through this now than if you had possibly gotten married and then he realized he wasn't ready.

  There's nothing that anyone can say to make the pain go away. It will go away with time. Try to fill your time with activities that you enjoy, you may not be interested in dating, but try to make some new friends that are active and share some interests with you.

  I really hope things get better for you very soon.

  Happyout
• 

  joannadandy

  Being the hardened beyotch that I am, I have to echo all of CG's comments 100% I totally agree and have been in this situation myself.

  You know what, he didn't come back. We still had sex, and he kept on the prowl for greener pastures. I knew exactly what was going on, and that I was being used, and I have never felt more low in my life.

  I agree...he was young, but I also think most rational people who are ready to be settled know when they have a good thing, regardless of how old they are when they first met. I mean the fact that you got him to committ for that long says alot about you and the type of relationship you two had together.

  Yes-I also agree it's natural for people to have nagging doubts in their minds that, "hmm, what would happen if I were with someone else?" But one of two things happens. It is either quickly dismissed or it becomes something that is dwelled on for a long time.

  I know this is really harsh but I am now a firm believer you cannot have your cake and eat it too. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. It's just not fair to you and your feelings that while he shop around you be on standby. You are the only one who loses in that situation.

  If he needs to go do his man thing and get some play--that's fine. That's what he needs to do, but I don't think you need to wait for him to come back and should move on with your life as soon as possible. By that I don't mean going on to get a new boyfirend. I don't think that's what you need. I think you should rekindle some of those old friendships, start some new ones. Devote some time to yourself and who you are so you don't feel you are totally dependent on one person for friendship and happiness.
• 

  sandy

  I know what all of you are telling me is right. I would give out the same advice. It is just easier said than done.

  I feel so invested in this relationship and I cannot accept or believe it is over. I know I shouldn't wait around but I feel so weak and desperate right now. I just want to beg him not to leave me.

  We have had our share of problems and mini break-ups that never lasted more than an hour. But now it feels so real.

  I asked him if there is someone else and he said no. I kept asking and he finally said there is someone at school he has been talking to but that is all. I do not believe him.

  He is so set on this idea that he needs more experience relationship-wise. But then he turns around and says it is only a sexual thing that he thinks he can get over. I don't know what to think. I know what I should do.

  I should let him go and cut off all communication. Let him figure it out what he wants or doesn't want.

  It is just so hard.

  Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I appreciate your kind words.
• 

  Nosferatu

  4 years will take some time to get over. If he didn't stay with you, he wasn't right for you. Take a week to mourn the loss. After a 4 year relationship, you need to weep. After a week, may I suggest rebounding? Yeah, it's sounds like a bad thing, but it helps you get into the mode of moving on. After rebounding, go out and make some changes to your appearance. Go buy some new clothes, get a new hairstyle, basically anything that makes you feel a bit different. This will help you get into the mindset to look for some new & exciting experiences. View this time in your life as positive. It's a great time to make some major changes. Take care & good luck on a fresh start!
• 

  jgnat

  You want invested? I just ran in to an old friend of mine, an absolute dear of a woman, whose husband of 37 years just ran off with a girl he met on the internet. His actions were so out-of-character, it is mind boggling. My friend, being who she is, will handle this slug in the gut with characteristic calm. She is wondering, however, after 37 years as a housewife, with no means of support, how she is going to live.

  People do dumb things all the time. The question is, are you going to follow this fool, or move on?
• 

  pettygrudger

  Let him alone right now. Don't spend any time with him, no matter how much you may want to. He has to see that you are not automatically going to be there now that's he's decided to break up and it'll give him something to think about. I'm quite disgusted that after 4 years in a relationship with you, he's "too horny" and immature to realize that's he's behaving like a fool.

  Have to agree with this 100%......

  And being less than 24 hours, it's extremely raw right now. Give it, and yourself time.

  Whether or not there's another woman doesn't really matter at this point - the fact is that he wants there to be - because he's immature and probably going through the "only one flavor for the rest of my life" fear and panic that is common among men I believe. But, that's not your problem either. Your only issue here is YOU, and what YOU will put up with, or not put up with.

  By not allowing him to enter into & out of your life at his own free will, you take charge of your own life.

  Now that you are older, your tastes in men will probably be a little older as well - much more mature than the relationship you have at the present. Older men tend to be more mature, and have figure out what they want to with the rest of their life, and who they want that with. There is another "best friend" out there - who wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with a wonderful person such as yourself, and ONLY with you.

  I wish you luck, and peace, and for the wounds to heal quickly.

  ((((Sandy)))
• 

  sandy

  Now he just called me and said sorry. He doesn't know why he said what he said. He doesn't want another relationship because he is happy with me.

  I almost let it slide and said ok but I said no way you cannot tell me something like that and expect me to just forgive you that easily.

  He said maybe we should just take a temporary break. But I said no, if we are both happy with each other there is no need for a temporary break.It sounds to me like you just want some breathing room to go screw somebody.

  He said that isn't it and there really isn't anyone in particular he is seeking but every now and then he gets these feelings.

  I said I cannot take the emotional ups and downs just because you got some feeling. He said that I did the same thing to him last Christmas (which I did). I apologized to him for that but I said this is not at all like him and that there must really be something wrong for him to be not just feeling this way but acting on it. He has never been one to act on a feeling.

  I told him I do not want to break up with him nor do I want any kind of temporary break but it seems that is the only thing left to do. I cannot trust that he will not feel this way again and decide to make more permanent action.

  So I told him not to call me for a few days and I will not call him. He agreed.

  But we started making small talk and he started to joke around with me like nothing was wrong. I got mad and told him to stop. Then he asked me if I'm ready for the beach on Saturday. We have an outing planned with his mom and sister and little cousin. I told him I am not going after all that I will probably go out with a friend. He sadi ok.

  I think he has realized the mistake he made. I don't want to play games but I think I should give it a few days without contact so he can really see the mistake he is about to make.

  What do you all think? Sorry for any spelling errors my contacts are all dried out from crying and I can't see.
• 

  kgfreeperson

  Boy, this hurts. Even from this distance! Some great advice here, but I especially like Nosferatu's. Sending hugs and best wishes.