Thanks everyone for all of the above thoughts. I apologize that in my effort to keep a reasonably short post, the complete situation I'm in is far more complicated than I described. I can certainly use all of your above advice and the references on fading, as that is what it I'm trying to do, but after the fact, a fade turns out to be a combination with hiding. So hard to explain, please bear with me. I do need help emotionally with this.
First though, I have researched the WTS teachings and other religions enough to know that they wrong in my opinion. I have no doubts on that, and I want nothing to do with religion, Christan or otherwise.
This is what I have to keep to myself completely, other than with two of my sisters and fortunately my children.
At the start of my post, when I said that I think the local elders will leave me alone, is because coincidentally at the VERY same time I was was coming to this conclusion I was still attending meetings and in good standing.
A rather unusual thing happening between myself and another "sister" in the congregation.
I'm not going to put quotation marks on all the JW language to follow, or use the sarcasm and irritation I feel about the situation. In itself it had/has nothing whatsoever to my decision. But, it does put me in the potential of being df'd. This sister is a pioneer of decades. Widowed and lonely. She is physically and mentally strong , as in pushy. We had been friends for some time, but she started demanding more and more of my time and refused to leave me alone when I tried to decline her every and constant requests to go in the ministry with her and studies. This happened multiple times a week.
Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be intimidated for nearly six months. I was falling apart, about it. My adult children saw what was going on and were concerned about the situation. I have a therapist (of many years) who I told about it intermittently. She eventually recommended I consider a restraining order because she was stalking me. Really. I tried to talk with the sister about it, following the rule of going to the person first before going to the elders. She acknowledged her behavior, but continued calling me, she yelled at me in my own house.I live alone. She mocked me and humiliated me more than once when no one was around to see it hear.
I finally broke down and told her to stop calling me. She didn't. I blocked her. I missed meetings. I got physically sick, couldn't sleep decently for weeks. I didn't want to take legal action because I didn't want to "bring reproach on Jehovah's name and the organization." Yet, I was desperate and finally asked for an elders help. Because of her shining reputation she managed to make me look bad for avoiding her! So much for trying to putting up with one another. I guess that means any one can do anything to another person in the congregation and it's ok if the elders are on your side. I was accused of stirring up contentions in the congregation, even though I never told anyone in the KH what she was doing. Not even a hint. I was about to be escorted to the back room but because I broke down crying, I was able to leave the Hall in one piece.
In the following few weeks I came into the meeting late, stayed in the back, left early. I did attend the Memorial. A couple more to make it look like I was still ok with the organization. My adult daughter (who had successfully faded many years ago) had in the course of the several previous weeks felt I could take the shock of telling me I was living in a cult. And pedophilla was rampant and being covered from the law and the members. I immediately went to the library checked out stacks of books about cults. I requested interlibrary loans. It all came together. My life had been devoted to lies. I thought I was alone on the planet. I was scared, I began looking on the internet at apostate sites. This was all happening within me at the same time as the whole stalking thing was going on. The elders think I left because of the incidents I related above.
This is where I blew it. When an elder came knocking I didn't answer. A few weeks later another. I had been pushed and intimated for so long. I had recognized the evil in the organization before the elder scene. I was so emotionally unstable over the whole thing, I pretty much blasted him, while not saying anything against the organization, I did have that much presence of mind somehow, but told him in no uncertain terms never to come to my house again. Of course, I had not been to meetings for about a month. So, this is where it stands. Local elders and anyone who saw what happened at the KH think I left in a huff about the situation.
My family far away thinks,(because I've told them) it's because of my severe long term anxiety issues. They think this is why I don't go.
Which is where the deception comes in that I feel so bad about. They don't know I told an elder to stay away from me. They don't know what I know about the organization. If I were to say anything subtlety about it would be tuned out. Which is what I would have done in the past.
If I were open about it, it would quickly turn into the situation I described at the outset. So I'm basically hiding from the elders and fortunately rarely cross paths with anyone. They have calls in my area, so there will never be any holiday decorations on my door, a small price to pay. I went to vote away from the area where I wouldn't have been seen. I avoid anyplace where the sister could be. My heart pounds when I see a car that looks like hers. Since she came to my house again about a mouth ago, I yelled at her to stay away from me.I was truly scared. I decided I couldn't live in fear of her anymore so my therapist made an appointment with me to see an attorney. The attorney said her behavior is consistent with stalking and she feels that she is dangerous. If I pursue a protective order I would have to see her in court. She would without a doubt inform the elders. Last winter, before I ever went to the elder about it, I discussed it with my own brother who has been an elder for decades. He told me that "we" don't take this kind of thing to "worldly" people and I should just pretend I'm fine with her outwardly. So that was his recommendation. Of course, I haven't told him that all these months later I felt I had to.
At this time, I have the choice to take her to court, the elders will side with her because she is a holy pioneer. I was merely a low hour publisher who is a nobody. If I were to legally besmirch the organizations clean outward appearance I could be of.
So there it is. An attorney, my therapist, my adult children who have left the bOrg all consider this woman dangerous. Yet she is a pioneer in good standing, sitting in the in the KH, singing little songs, including "The Life of a Pioneer" which always seemed to me yet another way to make everyone else feel worthless if they aren't. I left because the WTS is reprehensible on so many levels.
Again, I'm sorry about this being so long, but it does help to know I'm not a lone apostate. Without the internet and forums like this, where I know people understand how sinister the cult is and how ridiculous it is to have to keep independent thinking concealed for the rest of my life, I really can't imagine how I could deal with the potential consequences. Thank you again for listening.
