Help with fading, please...

by longgone 26 Replies latest jw experiences

  • longgone


    I just left about six months ago and I'm going through the emotional whirlwind that comes with it. I would really appreciate some advice on how to keep this fade from turning into my being disfellowshipped.

    I'm another born in, third generation. Most of my family is solidly in.I'm getting away with this so far only because they live hundreds of miles away from me. The local congregation could potentially kick me out, but so far they are leaving me alone.

    The real problem is my family and also a few friends I've had for many years who also fortunately live in three separate states

    My Dad is nearly 90 and in very good health, driving to meetings, going in service and so forth. I love him very much. Painful as it would be to lose everyone else, I can't risk being disfellowshipped or disassociate myself mostly because of him. It would be devastating to both of us to lose each other. What if he was about to pass knowing his daughter was disfellowshipped? I would grieve the rest of my life over causing that.

    As all of you know it's nearly impossible to not talk about the JW world with anyone in because it is their world, and it was mine too. Sometimes I cry after talking with any one of them on the phone. I feel empty and alone because I'm being deceptive. I feel like a really bad person for this, even though I know it's the only right thing to do. The organization is thoroughly corrupt and heartless. I can't knowingly be any part of it. Yet, pretending isn't who I am, and I don't want to be that kind of person, but I'm forced to. I know that my sister thinks that something is going on with me. I know she loves me, but with the past convention talks and videos about pretty much shunning inactive members, she could feel she that being "loyal to the only true channel" is her only choice. Sometimes I try to think she is pretending too. I mean, she would be in the same position as I am, only worse. You can't fade if you're a pioneer for over ten years and your husband is an elder. It's so sad.

    Is there anything that I can do or not do that could maybe prevent the worse from happening to yet another family, this time mine? I've already been greatly helped through this all these months by reading this forum. Thank you for listening.

  • smiddy

    Welcome to the forum longgone ,just take a deep breath and think things through calmly your in no hurry to do anything ,just take things nice and easy and dont get stressed about it.

    Time is on your side ,Armageddon aint coming anytime soon.

    So whatever you do dont panic about it.

    Think about your situation as if YOU are participating in theocratic warfare , dont feel guilty about your supposedly being deceptive , you do not want to harm your relationship with your father , so dont .

    Learn how to play the game , JW , the GB, the FDS , have been playing this game for over a century.using new light as an example for excusing their false predictions ,prophecys , and expectations that was to happen.

    Your dealing with a corrupt decietful lying organisation , why should you feel guilty stretching the truth a little bit to protect your relationship with your dad and anybody else you care for.

    Just my 2 cents worth , I`m sure others here can be more helpful

    Take care.

  • longgone

    That is helpful! Thank you.

  • freddo

    Adding to Smiddy and taking it up a notch.

    "They" use "theocratic warfare". Toole, O'Brien and Jackson in front of the ARC. Real organisation heavyweights covering up, prevaricating and lying. And why? To hide their dollars, to keep their board and lodging, to remain in power when being legitimately asked - under oath, having sworn on their bibles - about their disgusting response to child abuse allegations.

    Can they get any lower?

    Read 1 Peter 2 v 12 - 17 and tell me it doesn't condemn this lying filthy corrupt organisation.

    So now they act like the Stasi in East Germany did (Not all individual JW's, but the top dogs) and you're the one protecting your sanity and family relationships by any means. Do not feel one ounce of guilt by lying through your teeth to them when they try to get you with their unscriptural twisting of truth.

  • iwasblind

    Hi longgone,

    Firstly, I feel for you - you are so brave to make this stance.

    I am in a similar position I do not want to be disfellowshipped either. I have been quiet on the forum lately for that reason as I am in the middle of a fade and had a hard time of it.

    Can I say something because my fade has taken a long time and I am still not through. I sense you carry a lot of guilt over your father and family's happiness. Maybe try and process that a little, when I realised that I am not responsible for their happiness, it did not change my situation BUT it changes the heaviness of burden. It gives you a freedom from that "fear" that has been programmed into you. The best thing you can do is live your life and make a success of it. When they see how happy you are, they will start to question their own happiness.

    In relation to being disfellowshipped, they cannot D you for falling away or not attending - that is not a sin. I had the villagers with pitchforks come after me - one was an overzealous family member who is an elder, but they had no evidence of wrongdoing. Don't give them evidence, watch what you say to your family and even though they will know something is wrong. Eventually they get tired and just resort to the stupid comments of how the end is close in an effort to "encourage" you.

    I have tried to spend time finding myself in all of this. I recommend the book "Exiting the JW Cult" - the author is an ex-jw turned phsycologist.

    It is a hard road, we are all here for you.

  • snugglebunny

    Longgone: This is probably the best JWN article on the art of fading:

  • Crazyguy

    Just go slow and fade away , you don't even have to fade much. Just stop going to most of the meetings then all together. If an elder comes around blame it in your health or work or whatever. I know plenty of jws that have stopped and they are not harassed. Elders are lazy and don't really want to go out and talk to people that don't go. They just want to go to thier perfect little KH have thier ears tickled then go home.

  • pale.emperor

    Welcome longgone

    I know exactly where you're coming from. I too am a 3rd generation born in. Fading is possible but you need to take it slow and not make any big movements - in the sense of suddenly celebrating Christmas openly, birthdays etc.

    I know of lots of people who faded successfully by not turning up to the hall and when questioned just said something like "im going through some personal issues right now" and leaving it there. Dont agree to any elders visits, dont tell any JW or friend/family of a JW what you're thinking. JW's (as we all know) are superb at spreading gossip even though their own mags condemn it.

    I wouldn't feel too bad on your family either. Think of it as North Korea. This organization is very much like a dictatorship were defectors are punished. To escape you cant trust anyone (JW). They may mean well by ratting you out to elders sincerely thinking theyre "saving you from armageddon".

    Feel free to PM me, and by all means post on here often so we can help.

  • slimboyfat

    Does anyone locally know of any disfellowshipping offence? Hardline as they are, I don't think they are disfellowshipping just for being inactive, so it shouldn't be an immediate concern. Have you tried simply telling family you are very stressed and that's why you're not at meetings at the moment? Then change the subject.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    Hi LONGGONE, your distress and fears are very real and logical - because that's how we've been programmed to feel if we start to question this despicable shower of charlatans. As others have said, no disciplinary can be taken if you just fade - so the key is not to give them anything which "justifies" any action. That is the #1 rule when fading - say nothing to incriminate yourself.

    Being impelled not to lie, many faders will utter a truth which hangs them.

    There's no need to lie to anyone - and there's no need to discuss things with anyone!

    If you adapt the following to suit yourself, you have no need to feel guilty about anything you say or do.

    Just live your life according to your conscience and rules - happy that you are doing the right thing. Fading will get a lot easier the more you memorise your "conversation stoppers."

    I wish you the very best as you progress on your journey.

    How To Respond to Interrogators:

    "Thank you for your concerns brothers, but there's nothing private & personal which I wish to discuss with anyone at the moment, but I appreciate your motives and concern. If things change, I will definitely call you."

    Conversation Stoppers:

    1) "We only want to come and give you encouragement." = Simply repeat the response above!

    2) "But how can we help you if you won't talk to us?" = "I'm sure the Elders have private & personal situations which they wouldn't discuss with others, I'm no different!"

    3) Are you refusing to talk with us? = "No, as I've already said, I just don't want to discuss things right now. I'll call you when the time is right."

    If they persist with their interrogation, just say 'thanks', and walk away! They can't punish you for ending a conversation!

    Repeat any/all of the above to anyone who tries to extract information from you, because the Elders will get someone you trust to try and get information out of you!

    You have a P.M.

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