Well, this isn't quite a delurk, since I've made several posts already. But I figured it was worth introducing myself anyway.
I'm 21 years old, and was raised a dub. Had very loyal and active dub parents... there was just no question growing up that I was going to pioneer, reach out for privileges, etc. I was appointed an MS at 18, and was used pretty heavily. I pioneered for a year, and was an MS for over two years, until I changed congs and wasn't reappointed.
Growing up, I believed that the JWs had the truth, but I always felt like a divided person. I could tell that most of the elders were incompetent, and that most of the WTS publications were spiritual mush. The mindset of rules and controls just didn't appeal to me. And I didn't like the idea that I had the only true religion, and that I should try to convince everyone else of my viewpoint. It just seemed arrogant and disrespectful.
A few years ago, I decided that I should read 'apostate' material, because I couldn't be sure that what I believed was the truth if I didn't read the arguments against it. I believed that if I really had the truth, I should be able to answer any objections raised. Most of what I read at the time, however, was scandal-mongering. It disturbed me, but it didn't convince me that the WTS wasn't Jehovah's organization. After all, I reasoned, the nation of Israel was much worse, and yet they remained Jehovah's people for over a thousand years.
I gradually began to drift farther and farther away from the WTS, however. It started in small things... allowing myself to enjoy dirty jokes, using the 'net despite all the cautions against it, eventually looking at porn, etc. I started doubting various doctrines, although I pushed the doubts to the back of my mind. I came to realize that the WTS was too controlling, but I still believed that they were God's organization, so I figured I should stick with them and wait for God to correct things in due time.
The turning point, ironically enough, came at pioneer school last August. I was good friends with one of the instructors; I had shared some of my doubts and concerns with him, and he implied that he agreed with a lot of them. Then, during one of the sessions, he made a reference to Ephesians 4:11,12 (which speaks about "some" being evangelizers). I looked some more at the scripture after class, prayed and researched and agonized all evening, and decided that not all Christians were obligated to preach. I talked to the instructor the next day, and I found out that he agreed with me. He reassured me that I wasn't turning into an apostate.
After that, the floodgates opened. I started examining all the doctrines I had doubted, and realized--using just the Bible and standard research tools--that most of them were bunk. As one doctrine after another fell, however, I still felt some sort of illogical attachment to the organization. I still felt obligated to stay; the thought of becoming an 'apostate' frightened me.
Finally, however, I got the guts to read Crisis of Conscience. It was a wonderfully cathartic experience... seeing everything I had felt or sensed spelled out intelligently, and proven logically. The day that I finished it, and read the last chapter about the 'myth of the organization', the penny dropped. I went outside and walked around for at least an hour, thinking and churning and trying to deal with my feelings. And I finally concluded, plainly and simply, that the WTS had no special connection to God.
That was June 4, which means that I've now been free for 22 days. I'm still attending meetings and occasionally going out in service. I'm getting married in a few months, and I want my family to be at the wedding. After that... who knows.
One of my biggest concerns, however, was how my fiancee would react. I had shared some of my thoughts with her before, and she was sympathetic, but still locked into the Watchtower mindset. And then the most amazing thing happened.
My fiancee was a victim of sexual abuse; very likely, if her recovered memories are accurate, of ritual abuse. She was reading a book on that subject, and the very day that I reached my conclusion, she read the following statement in the book: "Cults make the victim believe that only cult-members love them and can be trusted. Everyone outside the cult is feared and seen as untrustworthy." She told me: "Those feelings seem familiar... but I can't identify their source." I pointed out to her that this was what Jehovah's Witnesses taught.
And the penny dropped for her, immediately. The very next day, she said: "I'm no longer calling JWs 'the truth.' There is no absolute truth in this system of things."
She's even more afraid of leaving than I am. Her father is on several psychotropic medications and has suffered two nervous breakdowns in his life. She's afraid that her 'apostasy' would send him over the edge. As for me, I am almost certain that my parents would shun me; and I'm sure that most of my friends would, as well.
So there are hard decisions in store for us. But it's good to be free.