Hi Everyone,
First I want to say that I really appreciate this forum. Most other places I've seen are nothing but filled with spite and hate. This site is reasonable and supportive...thank you for that!
Now, where to start...At this point I am torn about what I believe...what I do know is that I do not want to go back to the Kingdom Hall.
I was about 23 when I started studying. I had had some contact with Witnesses before that...I had a step-father that was disfellowshipped because of his relationship with my mother...but at the time I was first contacted I was a "born-again Christian." I had always been a spiritual person and always had questions about God and the Bible. The one question I had always asked, but could never get a satisfactory answer, was "why do my grandparents who were Jewish have to go to hell and burn forever because they didn't know Jesus?" I remember asking my other grandmother that question with I was about 5...and was still looking for the answer when I had a knock on the door one Saturday morning. Needless to say...I got a satisfactory answer that morning. This lead to regular calls just about every Saturday morning for about a year...especially if it was raining or cold...lol!
At one point, the brother and his wife that were calling on me started pushing for a regular study...I kept making excuses why I couldn't...but when I broke my ankle and was laid up in the house for over a month...I ran out of excuses. But things were delayed since they were moving into a new home so couldn't come by for a few weeks. In the meantime, I was moving...and didn't tell them...I was hoping to just sneak away. Wouldn't you know...they showed up in street clothes just as we were leaving with the last load...I was hooked!
After going through the "Live Forever" book, I was ready to be baptized. I was a regular Auxillary Pioneer for several years, while working full time. Everything was pretty good. I had to move away from my "worldly" roommate, whom I had live with for several years. (To be honest, I fought against that until she moved in her drug addict boyfriend, and that is really why I moved.) I was an obedient, willing witness...Then I met my ex!
The first issue we had was with him being able to find work...since he had not gotten an education, finding a job that allowed him to support us was difficult...he managed to find 2 part time jobs that allowed me to quit my job and work with him. We were also Regular Auxillary Pioneers, so the first year of our marriage was really good.
Then he wanted to move closer to his family...boy what a mistake! We got deeply involved with his sister's children who were being abused. We were trying to keep them safe. The brothers kept telling us that we should butt out...they weren't our children, and they weren't witnesses. I was stunned! Despite the admonishment from the elders, we continued to try and help the kids. During this time I also started to Pioneer full-time...and that is when the trouble really started in my marriage. My ex was jealous of this and started acting out.
There were things about him that I didn't know about before we were married, and only started to show up after 4 years of marriage. He became weird about intimacy...didn't know he had an issue with porn before we were married...and he was going back to this behind my back. I only found this out when I answered the phone at his mom's and it was a video store asking where their video was. He was backed into a corner when I had them read me the number from his license and it matched the one he handed me...he had to come clean! About this same time, someone must have seen him come out of the video store because he was called into a meeting with the elders. I was never clued in to the nature of the meeting, except what he told me later. But after the meeting, on of the elders (who I think even then knew TTATT) took me aside and told me that if I wanted to leave him, he would be there to help me. I was confused since I didn't know what was going on. I should have followed up, but ignorance is bliss...
I really think that they were forming a judicial committee and that he was going to be DF'd...but instead, he convinced me to move across the country...once there, he was watching porn in front of me! Again, I should have left, but now I was truly alone, in a strange place. But once again...a timely knock on our door on the first Saturday we were in our new place took us back to the KH. Things improved until I got a $900 phone bill...he had escalated to calling sex lines! At that point, he again convinced me to move back home...to help his mother with his sister's kids that were now living with her. In the next few months we moved from the west coast (usa) to the east coast, to Florida, back to the west coast, then to the Las Vegas! Not sure if this was the best place to land with his predelictions!
At this time I was starting to have my doubts about the "truth." That started with the first changes in the "generations" in the mid '90's. Then the changes in the prohibition on blood in the late '90's. Combined with my anger and frustration about not being able to help the kids, and the disaster of a marriage that I was in, with no real help from the elders...I didn't want to find a local KH in Vegas. He started going and was cleaning up his act and he convinced me to go with him. The brothers at this hall took a real interest in us. I had started smoking again, and they helped me through that, had a sister assigned to help me get up to speed on the changes and to deal with some of the problems I was enduring. We were there for about 3 years when the issues started again! I went to the brothers about it, but they didn't want to hear it. In Vegas, they are a little more relaxed about things because of the prevalence of vices there. When my father in law died, he made the decision to move back to take care of his ailing mom...now this wouldn't be an issue for a normal person, but his family is far from normal...I hadn't spoken to his mother in over 4 years because she had killed my dog an lied about it to him for years...besides, both his brother, sister, and now grown nephews, were there to help her.
I went to the brothers for help, and was told that I had to support whatever decision my husband made. Even if it was the wrong one! End of discussion! In fact, he put me in the position that I had no choice but to move. Our lease was up, and he had given up our apartment without telling me. I found out when I went to pay the rent and they asked where they should send our deposit refund. Nice!
Once we got back he went hog wild! Drinking all the time, gambling (by this time there were localized casinos), and the strip clubs and porn...again, I should have left, but now I was really sick and almost died. It took 3 more years to get that straightened out. His mother was now living with us, and I was afraid to leave her alone with him. She had dementia and was getting really bad. By this time I had gone back to the hall and talked to the elders about getting me some help to deal with all of this...the brothers that I spoke with were ones that truly loved me and it was with great sadness and tears that they told me there was nothing they could do to assist me without my husbands permission and presence!
We move again and again, until we finally bought a house. By that time he had 2 DUI's and was on house arrest, wearing an ankle bracelet. We started going to the local hall, and the brother that was trying to really help (again another elder that I feel knows TTATT) tried to convince him to get professional help. He refused! He finally got DF's when a year or so after getting the bracelet off he got drunk and called this elder in the middle of the night to come pick him up. But I may as well have been DF's as well. I was also treated like a pariah. It was funny, the brothers would come to see him, to try and help him, but they were never allowed to help me. When I asked...I got the same story, without my husband's consent, they couldn't help...and by the time he was DF'd I was done.
It still took me a few more years...but I finally left him...when I did, I walked out with nothing but the clothes on my back! At 50 years old, I was starting over! Without friends or family...fortunately, I did have someone that did help me, and we are happily living together now almost 2 years later! Last year I had my first Birthday and Christmas presents in over 25 years. The longer I am away from all of it, the happier I become. Is life perfect...no...shortly after I left, I was diagnosed with Head and Neck cancer...so far everything looks good and my last scans a few weeks ago were clear...so we'll hope that lasts.
But I truly am thankful for all that I have now, but mostly for the wonderful man in my life and the chance to finally find happiness free from repression and guilt. I also am grateful for this site...the short time I have been here I have found encouragement and peace.