"I'm confused"......as you should be. Your an orphan now. How in the hell did that happen before you could have a chance to set things right?
No chance in hell.
The one person in your life that could have set your life in order just left you without a forwarding address.
Who and what you were born into.....not asked for or demanded......... was emotionally abandoned by the one person who could have nourished you who could have completed you...........but decided that her life....her beliefs were more important then yours.
Yes this will hurt and will continue to hurt for the rest of your life. But it does not have to define you and the hurt can be controlled.
It's very rare for a human being to out live ones parents emotionally. It's rare for a person to say I was loved unconditionally by my parent(s). We don't get to control that part of our lives.
It's you that has to go forward now.......... not backwards. You look for your light not her's.
Let her passing be just that.....ultimately it had nothing to do with you. You would have made it different but you were never allowed to do that.
She lost your light and her way back to you.