Last night I asked about getting reinstated...

by Gadget 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • Gadget
    Gadget

    After the meeting last night Italked to some of the elders in the car park, and asked what more I neede to do to get reinstated.

    They commended me on the things I've been doing (?), and said the main point for reinstating would be how much contact I've been having with my fiance, who's still a wittness. She lives down the country, so we speak on the phone a few times a day, and see each other when we can - not as much as we'd like, and very little since I was DF'd. They said if we'd had any contact at all, even just a phone call, it would show not following counsel and not reinstate me. They would contact her elders, and have her in a judicial committee for not shunning me. Knowing her, she would refuse to break off contact and would therefore be DF'd. I haven't found being DF'd too bad, at least now I get some peace, but she wouldn't be able to cope with it, it would totally destroy her. And it would cause huge fomily problems for her too. Thats why I was going to get reinstated, get married, then both fade away. I couldn't even lie in the committee about seeing her, because they know we've met up, but haven't done anything about it. They said they would if they asked me in a committee and I said I had had contact. So if I denied it, they would know I was lying ablut it and not reinstate me.

    If I try to get reinstated, she'll end up getting disfellowshipped. If we just see each other any way, she'll get disfellowshipped. This also happens if we break contact from now til I get reinstated, because of how much contact we've had, and her attitude towards it.

    So they basically told me if I try to do anything other than just walk away from everything, getting reinstated, fiance, ect, they'll get HER, knowing what the effect on her would be.......B*****ds.

  • jelly
    jelly

    May advice would be to do one of the following:

    1. Just get married, then they cant prevent you from seeing you wife. She might get DF'd but should could 'repent' and be back in within 6 months then fade
    2. Move to a different city, continue to see you wife but be sneaky about it, ' repent' get reinstated, get married and fade.

    Remeber elders have no right to control you or your wife, an since they use coersion do not deserve the truth. You have to be wise and that means dishonest when dealing with men like these in situations like this.

    Good luck.

    Terry

  • onacruse
    onacruse

    Gadget, along with what jelly advised (#1), I'll share with you a part of my life:

    My first wife (Judy) got involved with an elder (Jay) while I was DFd. After I was reinstated, their affair was "made known" by Jay's wife. Judy and I were in a different congregation than Jay, so there were two committees (5 elders in his, 3 elders in ours).

    The evidence was circumstantial, but such that Jay was removed as an elder. I'd testified at both JCs that I would unreservedly trust Jay with my wife, as an elder and a friend.

    Unknown to me, Jay (he-knew-how-to-play-the-game-elder class) had already planned out the whole thing; he told Judy "we'll just do our time for a year, be reinstated, and that's that."

    That's exactly what happened. After he was reinstated so quickly, the elders on both committees told me that "we simply followed policy."

    "Policy" is the operative word here. My advice: be prepared to pay your dime, because they will demand the dime.

    My very best wishes to you both.

    Craig

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex

    I am so sorry for you Gadget. My only advice is to follow your heart. Do what YOU need to do and don't let those elders run your life. Go where you need to go with this situation.

    Good luck and be well.

  • ozziepost
    ozziepost

    G'day Gadget,

    The elders are acting quite correctly according to instructions received from the "organsation". It sounds crazy, I know, (perhaps it should be on that thread "What is the most bizarre counsel given to you by the elders?") but they are following the rules. How, you might ask, can a fiancee be held accountable for her future partner? A similar thing happened to the son of my friend. His father, an elder, made a noise about it and got deleted himself for his trouble!'

    Pharisaical indeed!I'm not going to give advice but simply ask you a question: Why?

    Why do you want to be re-instated? For your fiancee? To get married in a KH?

    Frankly, I think they've "done you a favour". You've started on the road to freedom. Why look back?

    Cheers, Ozzie

  • Holey_Cheeses*King_of_the juice.
    Holey_Cheeses*King_of_the juice.

    You mean you actually enquired about returning to 'the fold'? You should be thanking Christ, your mother, or the butcher, that you have been set free. Keep walking away and don't be like the dog who returns to it's vomit.

    cheeses - of-the-class-who-has-no-sympathy-for-cretins-who-know-no-better-class.

  • shera
    shera

    Sorry that you are in this situation.Good lawrd!! I can't believe I used to belong to religion that works that way. Just 100% ludicrous.

    I hope things work out for you,your way.

    Take care

  • rocketman
    rocketman

    If you want to marry your fiance, that's up to you. far be it from me to encourage someone I don't even know to get married. But, from a purely clinical point of view, like some other replies indicate, it would seem to simplify matters.

  • petespal2002
    petespal2002

    I hope it works out for you both. I suppose it boils down to who you want to keep happy and how much trouble you could stand to cause. I tend to follow the line of least resistance, which isn't always the best thing to do.

  • Gadget
    Gadget

    Thanks everyone.

    I want to get reinstated for the sake of my fiance. That would mean we could get married, whether or not in a Kingdom Hall, and then fade together. If we just got married now anyway, she would be DF'd. There are so many stresses involved with this, especially for people who were brought up as a witness. She wouldn't be able to cope with this, and I would worry for her personal safety. This would be on top of all the problems from her family this would cause.

    Ozziepost, you said the elders were quite correct in this(According to JW policy anyway...), but wouldn't she then be counseled for breaking off the engagement, which is serious enough to remove somebody from a position in the congregation for?

    Gadget

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