Separated from a loveless Marriage

by PLAYGROUND 54 Replies latest social relationships

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  PLAYGROUND

  When you hear talks about family life, or marriage discourse you start to wonder was there more you could have done. People look at you strange because they are wondering what happen to your marriage? You have Elders that ask about you, us getting back together. Everyone just know one said of the story, my spouse.

  How do you tell someone that you were truly frighten and scared? How do you tell people that there was so many sleepless night, wondering what was going to happen.

  I want happiness, but not living in that situation.

  I thank everyone for their kind words and advise.
  
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  cultBgone

  Playground, I've walked a little in your shoes and was absolutely devastated to find my marriage was a sham. The emotional abuse, sadly, also applied to my children. I, like you, did everything to play by the rules and tried to be the perfect jw wife. Meanwhile my husband used his headship to tell the elders lies about me and slandered me maliciously. One elder actually tried to shame me for being upset, by telling me that Jesus was slandered much worse than me and implied that I was not a strong Christian because I was upset. I had been a strong pioneer single mom but I got zero support from elders.

  The only way I survived was realizing that I had to protect my children and stand up for what was right. I finally told the elders they could disfellowship me if they needed to, but I was no longer able to live with this man. After a final round of slander (he actually drove to the houses of those in our cong to tell everyone what a wicked person I was), he filed for divorce and found another victim and he was the one disfellowshipped (but only for eight months) for an unscriptural marriage.

  The point of this story: you must protect yourself - no one will do it for you. You are NOT at fault nor should you feel guilty, even though that's what has been drilled into your head. The Jesus of the bible would NEVER condemn you...but the wt will. You must learn to love yourself because you are a valuable person! If you need to step back, step away, please do that for yourself. You are NOT responsible for how your situation makes others feel, that's on them.

  I send you love and best wishes. Please give yourself permission to love yourself.

  (feel free to PM if you want to chat)
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  Finkelstein

  Unfortunately men have been using this headship policy over their wifes to support their own appeal toward their desires and decisions, leaving their wifes with little respect or say.

  When your a woman in a religion like the JWS your a second class degraded individual, plain and simple.

  The ancient writings in the bible say so to.

  Religions were started by men to empower and self absorb themselves in the power of god(s) and that still remains to this day.
  
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  konceptual99

  Playground, sorry to hear of your distress. Whereabouts in the world are you located? I don't mean specific towns, just which country? If you are able to say then I am sure someone on here will know of some good agencies that can help.
• 

  freddo

  PLAYGROUND, Playground, playground...

  I was an elder for twenty years. I have been married for twenty five years. I know how it works. Here is my advice for what it is worth.

  Do not go back to this man. Listen. I said do not go back to this man. Really listen. Do not go back to this man.

  Escape - and never go back to this man. Did you hear me? Leave the area. Do not go to the elders - move congregations. Get a cheap room to live in, get a job. Shut the door in the evening, sit in your comfy chair watch the TV and enjoy the peace. Bored? Lonely? Get another job. Volunteer. Make new friends.

  Get support here. We are all crazy from the jw religion but most of us mean well and want to help.

  Did I say leave this man and don't go back? If I didn't then I'm telling you to leave this man and don't go back.

  Oh and any hassle go to the police. Forget this don't bring reproach rubbish, just do it. Each and every time.
  
  
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  paradisebeauty

  Hi Playground,

  I am sorry to hear you are in this trouble. I know it is difficult and I am probably not the best person to advice you as I have never been married.

  But I grew up in a family where there was physical and verbal abuse between my parents. And my advice is run for your life. If this started the way you describe it, in time things will get worse not better. Don't listen to those who want to force you to stay in an abusive relationship, they will not live your life. You will. Every day and hour of it. Do what you feel and want. God understands and He wants us to be happy.

  I hope you will take the best decision for yourself.

  But I have a curiosity about people like the person you are married to.

  Before you married him, did you see any sign he might be like the way he shows he is now? Did you suspect anything but decided to go on and hope for the best after the marriage?

  Wish you all the best.
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  PLAYGROUND

  paradisebeauty, before we were married, I didn't see any signs in my spouse that something was wrong .

  
  

  If I am truthful, I really didn't see this coming at all. When I say the personality change, it really honestly changed.
  
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  berrygerry

  As a male in the reverse situation, I will add the following.

  WTS creates dysfunctional, loveless marriages.

  You are not allowed to openly talk privately with your fiance(e).

  You are young, and your only objectives and goals in life are to serve and please Jehovah (aka WTS.)

  Men are told that they are superior - women are told that their role is to please the husband.

  As to how as many marriages survive that do survive is an astonishing situation.

  When a married couple finally realize that this will never work, then the elders perform a simple analysis: has one spouse been "weak" over the last period of time?

  Then that spouse is at fault.

  Not complicated.
  
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  zeb

  Dear PG,

  I am saddened by the horrid situation you are in. You have some firm sound advice here and you need to see a counsellor who deals with sect matters. Perhaps your doctor could give youa referral here.

  Just a few things standout to me.

  This guy is emotionally and mentally immature. It is my long experience that jw youth are at least 2 years behind in those areas any worldly people. His lack of interest in sex as you say is a flying example of that. His bully boy tactics are a further example of someone who cannot commit in this case to passion and enjoy it.

  Now add to that that you probably never went anywhere without a 'chaperon' so 'he' was on his best behaviour in effect he was in meeting mode. So he is like a duck out of water when he does not have the meeting structure happening around him.

  elders; "you could learn to love" actually they are correct given that this like so many other wt marriages is "an arranged marriage" ... given all the rules put on them. But in modern society most couples are deeply in love before they marry.!And for them to say you are mocking Jehovah is a standard wt/elder cop out; it is distancing themselves from any objective involvement or responsibility.

  I take it you are quite young and it breaks my heart to hear such accounts so often. Please seek out a sect experienced counsellor and you must now stand on your own two feet and I mean by that be little concerned with the looks and the stares and any bitchy comments of the others.

  If he is assaulting you call the Police. bashing others is against the law.

  have a deep think when you have slept well and distill the advice here to take the best for you.

  Love warm regards, hugs

  Zeb
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  PLAYGROUND

  I had my convention a week ago and one of the releases, a movie entitled What is True Love? Is playing with my mind. This is crazy, I know I made the right decision, but still