I don't know where to start. I got married a year and half ago. Some months into the marriage things where discovered. lies were told. Things I thought I knew about the person was a lie. In fact, their true personality/behavior came to the front. I truly believe they hate me. I feel like they use me for personal gain, and trust me it wasn't for sex, they really wasn't interested in that. There were physical, emotional and mental abuse. They threaten to leave once before but after we spoke to the Elders they decided not too. This conversation with them only made things worse.
When we were in the same house there was no conversation at all. In fact we didn't talk. And when we did talk they always managed to turn it into an argument and now its my fault. By the time we spoke to the Elders it was all me. At some point you realize you cannot compete with a liar. It feels that you both are telling a side of a story hoping someone believes you. In addition, they choose to discuss things with certain people within the congregation, lies of course. It became too much, the verbal, emotional and mental abusive wouldn't let up, so we separated after threats was cited.
Now months later, the elders told us they wanted to meet with us, I was like okay. I met with the elders the first time after we separated, (Spouse did not). So this was my second time since the separation.
Now my spouse had not spoken to me in months not from my lack of trying. When we met with the elders they said we "are mocking Jehovah" they even said "we could love to learn one another".
I tried I really did. When I discussed the abuse they act like I'm lying or that I'm saying this as an excuse. Do you know how many counselors I have spoken with?
It obvious my spouse doesn't love nor care for me. And truth be told, I don't love them at all anymore and I have explained why so many times. I know this is hurting Jehovah and I am truly sorry. However, I know who this person really is and they are not nice at all. I can't live in that situation again. Do you know I was truly sick every day we was together. I cried everyday and still am.
Do I just go back and live separate lives, sort like we were doing. Do I stay separated and take the stares and smart comments. Oh yeah the Watchtower studies for March and the special talk, all about marriage/family. How do I endure that? I am torn, do I fake it and live in that condition?
What do you do when there is no love, trust, loyalty? What do you do when the thought make you physically sick?
Don't say divorce, I am already in enough trouble with Jehovah. I know I made a mistake marrying this person. When I think back they really never said they love me. I'm tired, I'm so tired. My spouse doesn't want me but cannot be honest with the elders themselves. But because they have no place else to go they lie and say "Yeah I want to work this out".
There are days I just wish I was dead to be out of this misery.
I'm stuck, I know......Just feeling sad.