Do you think will see "The Jehovah's Witnesses University" ????

by run dont walk 30 Replies latest watchtower scandals


    Todays itinerary: (Rutherford Hall) or (Russell Auditorium)

    09:00 - Prayer. Graded on ones diction, volume, clarity, and whether it is deemed worthy to Jehovah. Different brother each day. Face cloths worn by sisters.

    09:10 - Watchtower/Awake cover designs. Different themes presented, but scarier the better. Biblical themes are paramount. Colours to use: black and white, never grey.

    10:00 - Door to Door. Within the university, you will be requested to knock on various class doors, and speak with each elder/MS teacher. You will be graded and marked hard. Wear your best clothes; sisters wear chaste clothing and moderate colour schemes. Door knocking themes (shave and a haircut) will not be tolerated (demonized themes are not welcome at JWU).

    11:00 - Watchtower/Awake writing. You must create an article. It must be heavy in Jehovah-wording, and scriptures that deal with perpetual death and destruction. Fear is a skill that is optimized at JWU. It enables the student to not only feel the fear, but to perpetuate it as well. Write a 3 to 4 page article. A minimum of 20 strategically (out-of-context, is allowed) scriptures.

    12:00 - Prayer before heading to the auditorium for lunch. (Ruth & Orpah Auditorium)

    12:05 - Head to the Hoagie Room/Soup Kitchen for a nutritious meal. Keep in mind, sisters are in-training for assemblies. On each package, there is a check-list. Check off various items on the sandwiches etc., and hand them to the Kitchen Elder. He'll display the grades for everyone to read. This will help the sisters to make better sandwiches and keep them kitchen-conscious and focused, when they are not out in service, at meetings or bearing children.

    13:30 - Prayer after having lunch in the auditorium.

    13:35 - Judicial Committee creation. Brothers will act as elders (if they aren't already). Sisters, will be the subjects in the JC. Brothers will not be told of the offending sin/act. Sisters can create their own sins, bring letters and ideas to the mock-JC. See if the brothers can quickly counsel or find grounds to disfellowship.

    14:30 - Practice shunning. Prove the effectiveness of this Jehovah-loving act. See how long it takes for the sinner to repent. Or, if the mock-elder/real elder, will give-in and speak to this individual. If he does, he must have scriptural grounds. This helps keep order in our organization. It can be fun.

    15:00 - Microphone handling/Soundboard. Brothers will be trained how to hold microphones. They'll also practice 'how to identify' a marked individual from the JC class. So, there are always tests during the afternoon. Also, one must be able to effectively run the soundboard, by carefully lining up songs in the correct order. Brothers will be marked for the volume, timing and whether the members of the mock congregation can sing along with the Kingdom Melodies. Sisters will be scored on their singing abilities, and whether or not they can sing at all. If not, they will be counselled on that. Learning at JWU is a 24/7 activity. Isn't it grand?

    16:00 - Study Time. Studying of WTBTS literature only. It is equivalent to a degree. Thus we emphasis over and over, the importance of having only these two very important pieces of literature. The Bible too of course, but we utilize the New World Translation. You can use other bibles, but it may affect your final mark. Please keep this mind.

    17:00 - Prayer. Time to associate with members of JWU only. Remember, you are constantly being graded and marked before, during and after classes at JWU.

    17:30 - All Classes dismissed. Time to go home, and if possible, witness to others on the street corners, or on the public transit/transport, neighbours and worldly people, at EVERY opportunity. You are constantly being watched, and we will be notified of any deviation from this regimen.

    JWU: Jehovus Movus Mostus, established 1975.

    The nightmarish scene that those words induced!


    <gone dancin'>


  • Mr. Kim
    Mr. Kim

    The subject has been talked about by the "power people" behind closed doors. I guess we will have to see if anything takes form........................

  • Eyebrow2

    And of course, they would still need to think of their secular work, so these courses would also be offered:

    "Window Washing 101"

    "Advanced Window Washing 201"

    "How to start your own cleaning business"

    "Legal ways to discrimate against Non JW employees/applicants"

    "Doing Everything as if it were for God: Scrubbing toliets"

    "Viny and Window repair 101"

  • Mr. Kim
    Mr. Kim

    Here are some likely Courses:

    101. How to lie to the public and your fellow brothers & sisters and enjoy it.

    202. How to be self-rightous and enjoy it.

    303. How to get "high" off of the WT publications.

    404. Twisting scriptures to suit the "changing light."

    505. Advanced techniques to influence people to give up: free will, give up analytical thinking, education, family, friends, social normality, sovereignty and perceptions.

    606. How to: suck-up and the basic Elder and Governing Body worship tips for the everyday JW.

    707. How to fake: "true love", phoney smiles and gestures.

    808. How to deny the facts and the truth.

  • TresHappy

    To Door Knock is a Big Crock 101 - includes the 1/2 day seminar "How to Outrun the Family Rotweiler."

  • Mr. Kim
    Mr. Kim

    Additional classes:

    909 Sexual Dos and Don'ts for the average JW.

    10010 Special Sexual positions: toys, techniques, and tips for Elders and the favorite ones. Special classes supervised by elders with live demostrations.

  • Mr. Kim
    Mr. Kim

    Sorry guys and gals, I could not resist posting the above. The Devil made me do it!

  • nicolaou

    I know of at least five JW's (3 elders, 1 MS, 1 sis) working for the Open University (UK). Three of them are teachers. Perhaps they're trying to take over the OU by stealth.



  • A Paduan
    A Paduan

    "university" <---------- from "whole, entire"

    But their 'knowledge' is very much a separate issue.

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