Mentally Preparing Myself for my Father's Sudden Death

by Nosferatu 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nosferatu

    Well, it's now 2 months later, and I decided to give an update. My father's health is deteriorating quite quickly. He's been to the doctor, and now he has to wait a month for the catscan results. His breathing is lousy, he's become incredibly weak, and he has an incredibly difficult time getting out of bed (he woke up at 7:30pm on Saturday after going to bed Friday evening).

    As far as the issues he has with me, nothing's changed. He offered me $5000 not to get married, and he's really pushing the issue. He told me the other day to get rid of my truck (because I've had to do some repairs on it). Honestly, me and my mother don't see him lasting much longer. The Doctor didn't give him anything, no pills, no inhaler, no time off work, nothing. The doctor told him to eat half as much as he is now (he's overweight) and to quit smoking.

    My father seems to have given up on himself, and if that's the case, he deserves what he brings upon himself.

  • cat1759

    Dear Nosferatu,

    Just read through your posts and others here. It seems you have some guilt feelings about it all.

    Don't feel guilty about anything. My dad died Nov 5,1998 and for along time I felt because I had done some bad things that I did this to my dad. I have since worked through the guilt and am recovering. My dad was not manipulative, mom was and would blame me for everything.

    Remember these are your dad's choices and his life and experiences. He chooses to be like this. You can wear the guilt or leave it where it belongs, in his heart.

    You have a wonderful new life coming up. You have the choice to start fresh and leave it all behind.

    Don't worry about him. Just love him in spite of what he is doing to himself.

    Your mom is a jewel. Many blessings to you on your wedding day!


  • cruzanheart

    Thanks for the update, Nosferatu. I'm sorry he's not doing too well, but at least I hear in your post that you are recognizing that the situation and his possible death will NOT be your fault in the least. I'm glad to hear that. There's enough emotional trauma to deal with when a parent dies without having a guilt trip on top of it.

    He has absolutely no business interfering in your personal life, and trying to bribe you with money shows a disgusting lack of respect for you as a person. I can be that vehement about it because my parents too were convinced that money would make anyone change their minds about anything. It was a bribe, a reward for good behavior and how they said "I love you." It's about him, it's not about you.

    I hope your wedding plans are going well, and I wish you every happiness in the world! After 20 years with Big Tex, I highly recommend the institution of marriage, provided it's with the right person. Best of luck to you both!



  • ashitaka

    Phew! That's one manipulative dad.

    I'd say, just keep your distance. Let your mom be the middleman, and if he gives you garbage, make known very clearly that you aren't going to stand for it. If he doesn't like it, then he can go direct his malice to the brick wall yonder. You don't have to put up with any garbage from him, and you most certainly aren't to blame for his own consequences to his actions.


  • Nosferatu

    Thank you all for your concern. Cruzanheart, you are correct about how I feel about the whole situation. Ever since his best friend died, he hasn't been taking good care of himself. He's grown accustomed to laying on the couch watching TV for the past 8 months. He also smokes (I recently quit). He's not only destroying himself physically, but emotionally as well. He's the one stressing out over me leaving home (again) and getting married. I'm looking foreward to the whole thing. I'm expecting a phone call sometime soon informing me that he's in the hospital.

    Me and my mother's are already trying to figure out what to do if he happens to die. Mom's a JW, so of course she's thinking about a JW funeral for him. However, my mother can't figure out if he has the hope of a ressurection because he studied for a few years, then he "turned away from Jehovah". My mother also has other issues such as my father's debt from gambling. $20,000 in the hole and nothing to show for it. Pretty sad.

    Also, I believe it was Francois that recommended that I read "Toxic Parents", and I must thank him. It's helped me incredibly!

  • jgnat

    My manipulative mother could not admit that I would do nice things for her - just because! She earnestly believed people only did nice things to her because she made them. When I figured this out, I made it a game to find ways to do things for her she neither expected or asked for, while at the same time refusing to jump at her command.

    My mother is one of the few people I know who has managed to transcend her weaknesses. She is a much sweeter and milder person today.

  • Nosferatu

    Hey all. Yes, I have another update. My father was taken to the hospital this afternoon (Saturday July 28). My mother wasn't able to wake him up, however he was still breathing. It doesn't look good for him. It seems as if he had a stroke in his sleep, and he may have a tumor on his lungs. The respirator is basically keeping him alive. Right now, we don't know exactly where things are going to go from here. I'll try to keep in touch with you all, but my goddam ISP hasn't been working for 4 days (I will be going and yelling at them on Monday).

  • cruzanheart



  • Nosferatu

    Thank you Nina. If any of you wish to email me, you can reach me at [email protected] for the time being.

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