Mentally Preparing Myself for my Father's Sudden Death

by Nosferatu 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nosferatu

    I figured I'd share this story with you people, and it's ongoing. When I was 19 years old, I had a girlfriend. She was extremely helpful, encouraging me to stand up to the elders who were coming to talk to me about my meeting attendance, and my lack of field service reports. Needless to say, I told them I was no longer interested. I remember being told that I was going to be toast at armageddon, and the other elder looked as if he was going to cry. My girlfriend was very supportive. But that's not the point.

    When I started visiting her often, and sleeping over at her place, my father (non-JW) started getting angry with me, and tried to stop me from visiting her. He came up with a curfew for me - be in at 8:30 weekdays, and midnight on weekends - and here I am on the verge of turning 20 and paying rent at home. This of course drove me further away, and had really started to get the best of me. My girlfriend's father asked if I would like to move in, and I accepted. Why pay rent with no freedom, when I could live somewhere else and pay rent with freedom!

    My father was incredibly offended that I would rather live with a "welfare bum" than live at home. I tried picking up my guitar amp from my house one day, and my father wouldn't let me take it. He told me "Who paid for that amp?" I know damn well I did, and I told him. He refused to accept my answer, and continued to tell me how he paid for it. Eventually, I was able to take it. Another problem was with the drum set I owned. I didn't have room for it when I moved out, so I left it behind. My dad called me up telling me to get it out of the house. I called a friend and asked if he could hold onto it for me. He picked it up, and I never saw the drum set again.

    Me and my dad ended up not talking for about a year and a half. I was fed up with all the crap. He had told me that someone at work knew my girlfriend, and told him how much of a bitch she was. He told me that I was no longer inheriting the house when he passed on. I also discovered he was getting printouts of my bank account, and using them to rub in the fact that since I left home I had no money. He had also told that I would no longer be able to buy myself a vehicle - but I did.

    Fast foreward 4 years. We began communicating again, my girlfriend left me, I had moved 2 times. I was living with a friend when he screwed me around. My parents lived just across the street, so as a last resort to get out of the bad situation I was in, I asked if I could temporarily move in. They allowed me.

    I have been there for a little over a year, working on saving money to buy a house, as well as pay off some of my debts. In this time, I met my a girl, and we are now engaged with wedding plans in the making. We plan on moving in together soon. My dad is turning back into a nervous wreck. He has now told me that I won't be able to buy a house. He's trying to tell me where to live (again), and is telling me how I should have my wedding. Ever since the engagement, he's been complaining about his stomach hurting, and has had problems wetting the bed.

    My mother (JW) is extremely exited about the wedding, and is doing the food for it. However, she's a bit worried about the situation with my dad. She is worried that my dad will not drive her with the food to the reception. She's also wondering if my dad is going to the wedding, and she's worried that he'll try stopping her from going. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if my dad dies of a heart attack before the wedding (he smokes and is in his late 50s)

    I have to say that I really don't need this shit happening. I have no choice but to deal with it. I know I need support with this whole situation. There's a lot more to the situation, but it would take a long time to type it all out. Any suggestions or ideas would be appreciated.

  • cruzanheart

    First of all, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!!! I hope you have a happy, wonderful life together.

    As for your concerns about your dad, he is being VERY manipulative. My mom used to hold over my head all of my life that if I acted up my dad might have a nervous breakdown and die, like his dad did. So if I behaved like a normal child I would kill my father. That one took a LONG time to get over! (And I wish I had a nickel for every time she said it -- I'd be rich.) Fortunately, I grew up, got married, had two children, and got over it before he finally committed suicide, and I have had very little feelings of guilt over it, especially since the elders were so obviously responsible for most of his problems.

    Give yourself a daily common sense pep talk: people do not die because other people are living their lives. My goodness, it's not like you're a raging drug addict/alcoholic/sex slave! You're just a normal guy trying to live YOUR life, not your dad's. And I think you're doing a great job of breaking away from the JWs and your family's guilt trips.

    I wish nothing but the best for you, and I'm sure your dad will continue to live and will continue to aggravate you.

    Lots of love, hugs and congratulations,


  • Francois

    Sounds to me like your father is one scared to death attention hound. A man of his age wetting the bed isn't just neurotic, it's damn near pathologic. It's a break with reality. Is he also sucking his thumb? How 'bout other infantile behaviors? Is he engaging in any?

    I frankly would be very concerned about having this self-centered twit at my wedding. He wants all the attention, and what better place than a wedding would he have the best chance of getting the attention of all?

    Since the JWs refuse to allow independant thinking, it seems to me that your father has never grown up and continues to use the tactics of a very young child. I would rather not have that kind of problem to put up with at my wedding. I think I'd give him a phony address in a town about fifty miles away so that even if he DID find the real wedding site, it would be all over before he got there. After all, this is your life. Who is going to live it; you or him?


  • worldlygirl

    My Dad also had "control issues". He had a plethora of tactics and would quickly move down the list when his manipulation didn't get him the results he wanted (i.e. my doing exactly what he wanted me to do). He would even do the old "I'm old and sick" routine. Here's how it turned out (this should give you hope): I finally told him in no uncertain terms that I did not NEED an inheritance from him, I did not CARE if he wanted to be a part of my life, and I WOULD NOT be manipulated by him ever, ever again. I made a vow to myself that I would not be sad if he never spoke to me again - the loss would be his own. We also went for quite awhile without speaking, but I held my ground. He eventually made contact with me again and things have been great ever since. People will control you for as long as you will let them.

  • asleif_dufansdottir


    Your dad sounds like my father-in-law...except in this case there was a big farm to inherit. Finally, my husband got fed up and did as you did. When his dad told him he wouldn't inherit, he responded, "You know you're not going to have anything left for me to inherit anyway, the way you're losing money. I don't want it. Give it all to (hubby's brother and sister)" We've been gone 10 years and he still tries to manipulate. Fortunately, hubby is doing well in life and the manipulation and string pulling don't work (dear ol dad no longer has anything he wants, to use against him)

  • Nosferatu

    Cruzanheart- I can see what you're saying. I know there's nothing unusual about a child growing up, moving out, and getting married. I know that I'm not causing his death, he's doing it all on his own. He's the one who want to control every move I make, and it's not working. It's causing him to stress out. After I moved out the first time, people including me noticed how much he had aged. The stress combined with his health is going to take a toll on him. The difference is this time there is a definate committment between me and my fiance, therefore his hope of me returning home has lowered. I really do wish he was happy for me like my mother is.

    Francois- I do question the result of him being at my wedding, and you may have led me to a decision. However, if I don't invite him to come, he'll be hanging that over my head for the rest of his life. This will just create more problems from him to deal with. However, if I give him an invitation and leave it at just that - an invitation, chances are his shitty attitude will cause him not to show up. In other words, don't encourage him to come, but don't discourage him from coming.

    Also, I've invited my dad's daughter from his previous marriage (my half sister). My dad hasn't seen her since 1987. My half-sister has told me that my dad sent her a letter many years ago, stating he's disowned her. There's more to this one - My dad's ex-wife married his brother, and raised my dad's daughter since she was 4 years old. I have absolutely no clue what effect me getting married, and my half sister attending is going to have on him.

    Worldlygirl- I agree with you. My father has lost control of me ever since I was 19. The thing is, he still tries to do it no matter how many times he fails. Our relationship hasn't been the same since before I moved out the first time (I'm 25 now). For the longest time, I failed to see how he was controlling me. I truly don't care if I don't inherit the house, or if I never speak to him again. It's amazing, when you move out, you see who your parents really are. I've noticed that they're not very nice people, and if they weren't my parents, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. When I was living on my own, I couldn't stand visiting them.

    The next year or so is going to be challenging, yet interesting. However, my dad's attitude does have an effect on me, not matter how strong I am. You cannot get hit without getting bruised.

    Asleif- My dad's got no money either. He's a compulsive gambler.

  • SheilaM

    First Congratulations on the upcoming wedding

    I just told Thunder 'And I thought your Dad was a control freak". I have not seen this level of immaturity and control EVER. My Dad when I asked him to come to my wedding (no he didn't pay a dime) told me that my new step-mother would be coming. I told him that it WAS MY DAY and that he had hurt my Mother enough and if he couldn't come to my wedding without her than fine. He did but refused to pay for his tux LOL I wouldn't fall for that ploy either I had him wear a dark blue suit LOL He was sure I would pay for it.

    I am sorry that he can't realize that yes it hurts that your children grow up so fast but the whole idea of having kids is to watch them grow and LEAVE. You should want your children to be succesful not hinder them emotionally.

    I do feel that people like that DON'T DIE, I know Thunders monster of a Dad keeps going and going. He weighs so MUCH and is so mean but tick tock he goes on. My Dad whole friggin family died early but I tell you mean people live the longest he is 70 something and still going.

    It may sound bad but I loved (or thought) I loved my Dad so much and now I think I wish he had passed in the early 90's before he ruined our relationship

  • asleif_dufansdottir

    My father-in-law once hid the new tires my husband had bought to put on our car (the farm shop had a complete tire shop in it, hubby was going to put the tires on himself) when he didn't want us to go somewhere once. He used to call my parents and my grandparents and bitch about how I didn't work hard enough. My family was just mortified. Grandma and grandpa both gave him an earful...he quit calling after I blew my top about ever upsetting my grandparents again.

    We worked for him (he still owes us thousands he never paid...and of course there's no real record since it was a family farm ), and he was constantly saying, "Well, I gave you the money to (buy groceries, put gas in the car, pay the heating bill)" We never earned anything, according to him.

    They had keys to our house and our car. Our house wasn't even in our name for years. He'd just walk in whenever he felt like it and start crabbing at hubby to "get out and get to work" - even when we were in bed!

    And to think I put up with this sh*t for 10 years. The only good thing about our time as JWs was that it got us off the farm. Hubby's family hated us being JWS (which, in my opinion, was always why the passive-agressive little sh*t did it ). "Daddy" made some huge threat that we weren't 'allowed' to go to some assembly...and hubby decided he'd had enough and never went back. He'd always kept us just poor enough that we couldn't afford to leave (the lights and gas would be paid just in time to keep them shut off, money for groceries came only when we were was always, "how much do you need" rather than "how much do I owe you?", we never had savings or insurance).

    God, talk about bad memories!!!

  • Nosferatu

    "They had keys to our house and our car. Our house wasn't even in our name for years. He'd just walk in whenever he felt like it and start crabbing at hubby to "get out and get to work" - even when we were in bed!"

    Yeah, I had that with my first car. My dad told me that it would be a good idea to put it in his name, because the insurance would be cheaper. Then he'd go out - in MY car, and leave me his piece of crap to drive. Whenever I didn't do as I was told, he threatened to take the car away (not like I had much freedom to use it anyway). After I crashed the car, He told me "See, I told you not to go driving all over the place!" Apparently, all over the place was anywhere further than the driveway; I crashed it a block from the house.

    I still say to this day, I'm much happier to have my ex still cosigned on my current vehicle rather than my dad. I can trust her more.

    Another thing that worries me - I will not be able to take everything when I move out. A few things will have to be either left behind, or put into storage. I'd prefer the ladder.

  • azaria

    Hi Nosferatu: I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I do hope it all works out for you. Your dad sounds very infantile (have you ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding?) Some times you need to laugh at the ridiculous. Your father, like my mother, sound like emotional hijackers? The problem is with them. I see more and more that the people that are controlling are so because they have lost control of their own lives. My dad is like that. Has always complained about everybody else; guess it makes him feel better. Underneath it all it's a lack of self-esteem. Like a mirror, you see others, how you see yourself. Hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

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