I felt that perhaps I would be able to get a wider view.
If I had to sum up my input this would be it, a wider view..
I would say the desire for intimacy and for feeling complete is in all of us, but basically it depends on how far you take it. From the perspective of a lonely single person, of course it is incomplete to be alone, from that perspective. This can happen with all kinds of relationships, it can be your relationship to your parents or whatever, you are whole as an individual but not as a part of a greater whole - but basically we tend to take a view of an individual isolated from a greater whole. That's what being lonely is all about, because in a sense you are alone when you are at one with another, but of course not lonely. There's so much intimacy that you don't feel separate, and at the same time if it is a healthy relationship you don't lose your sense of individuality, it is there simultaneously.
I think the key is there's a big difference between feeling you are one with someone and actually being and functioning as one from a deep intimacy. Those who have studied psychology to some degree probably knows that the initial feel-good phase of a relationship creates enmeshment where you kind of lose yourself and only identify with the relationship itself, so while that is a natural part of the process it does go deeper than that.
This is perhaps where I depart from the common view - my thing is not to emphasize the individual or the intimacy in the relationship or any thing really, but just not to stay focused on any of it. This doesn't mean I don't want a relationship or anything like that, but it has the sense that what we like or don't like is all the same in that it's all a part of life. I think often what happens is not so much the unpleasant feelings that arise, but not knowing why they arise because we are so focused on a part rather than the whole, and we don't have that wider view to put things in perspective. In fact, often times what happens is we just project our own fantasies - either into the other person or into the future, or both. Now I have nothing against hoping for a better future, but I say just know what it is - and if it's going to involve someone else in a relationship why not share that so you can atleast be in on it together? While I think it's a good idea to get to know each other as individuals, I think people get too caught up in that sometimes, too. I mean do you even know yourself that well? Now it kind of depends how far you want to take that question too, but I hate to see people distance themselves from each other because they only think they're a certain way when that's really just trivial stuff.
So having said all of that, I think it can be very simple. I think the main criteria is just to know yourself, and then you just need to be honest in dealing with others, to have a measure of integrity. One thing that kind of relates is that I don't really think in terms of better or worse anymore, just what is fitting or what works together. This is why I think love is really the same as being free, because - well, to take that scripture "the truth will set you free" and applying it to yourself, it is the truth about yourself, but of course the truth about other people you might be in relationship with and just things in general. This is really a very different idea from the better or worse kind of judgement, because you don't have this concept of what a 'good' relationship is supposed to look like. All relationships are going to be different - it's just whatever works. What is based on falsehood will not work in the long run, even if you think you've got a really good idea - that's just our minds going off in to la la land again. You can just imagine how free love feels when it's based on truth right, if it is based on some falsehood there will always be a sense of unease, because that's just not who you are.
