Is it just me...

by arrowstar 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • arrowstar

    or are we all scared when it comes to relationships?

    We date…we marry…we divorce…we put a personal ad out there and we start it all over again. Why? Is it because of something we’re taught in childhood that to be happy we have to have a mate? Is it a need or is it a want?

    We’ve heard tales of the great romances in history. We’ve read the great love stories in classic literature. Is this what drives us? Is there really a “soul mate” that Plato speaks of?

    Maybe it’s the rarity of that “one and only” that makes us want it and work so hard to find it? But if it’s rare (and I sincerely believe that it is) then could that be why we keep seeking it with such fervor? Like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow…?

    Could we not just be happy when we find someone who we are happy with? Must we continue to seek happiness in a multitude of possibilities only to be disappointed? What is it about us that make us not trust ourselves? We can be wonderfully happy with someone and yet we hesitate to release that last bit of whatever you want to call it on the off chance that something better is just around the corner. Are we scared we’ll be hurt? Of course we’re scared. We’ve all been hurt. It’s very scary. No one wants to be hurt. But is it them I don’t trust…or is it myself? Isn’t it all just a roll of the dice? I can trust someone with my very life so why is it so hard to trust them with my heart?

    I think…perhaps I believe…that there can be great happiness and love between two people when there is trust, honesty, compassion, respect and honor shared. So, when it’s right in front of you, do we scan the horizon? I know that some of you have wonderful marriages/relationships. I salute you and wish you all the best.

    I apologize for this rant/babble. There are so many wonderful people here with such diverse backgrounds and opinions; I felt that perhaps I would be able to get a wider view.

    Thank you,


  • Aztec

    Good questions Lisa. I think the best relationships are when you WANT to be with someone, not NEED to be with someone. I myself am not afraid of relationships per se but I am hesitant and guarded when in one. It takes a lot for me to really open up. I think humans are just social beings for the most part and we enjoy companionship. Having a partner is a normal thing to want. Life is more enjoyable when it is shared with someone special. ~Aztec

  • arrowstar

    Aztec -

    Thank you for your thoughts. I agreed that when you are with someone you want to be with that it is better. I don't believe I need to be with anyone. Right after the last breakup, a friend of mine gave me a button that says "Explain to me again why I need a man"

    Like you, I'm guarded in a relationship to a point. I think life is better shared. The sunset is more beautiful...the sky is is just sweeter.

    I guess I'm just an optimist at heart.


  • Aztec

    Lisa, I think you and I are gonna get along just fine. *Big smile* I am an optimist at heart too. I am just happy to have so many sweet and kind friends, if I had a man to share things with it would just be icing on an already too sweet cake. :) ~Aztec

  • arrowstar

    Aztec - yes ma'am, we're going to get along just fine...*smile*. I will always be grateful for my wonderful friends and their good advice.

    I'm very fortunate to have a wonderful man in my life. I tell him every day. Life is much too short not to let people know that you love them.

    Life is good...but he's made it so much sweeter.

    May you find someone as wonderful as he is for your very own...cause I ain't a'sharin'....

  • Jim_TX

    Relationships are a complicated thing. After being married for 21 years - and then getting a divorce (1.5 years ago)... well, it isn't easy. But it was necessary.

    Currently, yeah. It would be nice to have someone to share with - the sunsets with, the stars at night, heck! just the company of someone else (of the fairer sex) would be great!

    But! While I am not that picky - I am, to a certain extent choosy. I am not going to settle for anyone who, I feel, does not share a lot of the same ideas and goals that I do. Hard to explain, that. I guess that goes back to my first statement. Relationships are complicated.

    Meanwhile, I will keep busy. If there is one thing that I have learned from the past, it's that you will find 'the one' when you least expect it, and usually in a place that you would have NEVER thought you would have met someone. <shrug> <wide grin>


    Jim TX

  • arrowstar

    ((Jim)) I understand how difficult a divorce can be even when it is necessary.

    I not saying to "settle". There should be common interests, perhaps a similar outlook on know what I mean. Otherwise, it's doomed from the beginning.

    What I'm referring to is that when we do get close, almost on the edge of believing that it could really be all we hope for, why do we hesitate? If there is trust, compassion, respect, laughter, joy, honesty....dare I say do we keep looking for more? Why when we are given such a gift from the gods, do we not seize it?

    I know that relationships are complicated. Oh so very complicated. You're preachin' to the choir there son

    It's nice to meet you Jim. Thank you for your thoughts....


  • Billygoat

    Hi Lisa,

    I don't think it's just you. I'm an optimist at heart too! I've always been one to believe in the soulmate situation. I remember my JW stepmom telling me (when I was a teen) that the most important thing about relationship/marriage is how committed you are to the other person. I remember thinking that was silly and old-fashioned. The most important thing to me at that point was finding LOVE.

    Since then I've been through several serious dating relationships, a marriage, and divorce. Another broken relationship after that. I decided to go through a dating phase without the serious relationship aspect. Just date to have fun, you know? It went against everything we were taught as JWs. (You don't date for recreation.) But I forced myself to do it. And today I am so thankful for that period. I made sure to NOT lead any guys on. I told them upfront that I didn't want a serious relationship. I had lots of fun and learned so much about myself. I went out with a lot of guys that helped me decide what characteristics I DID want in a husband one day. I also found a lot of characteristics I didn't want. But one day I finally found myself interested in a friend I was hanging out with. We met at church (we held a lot of the same beliefs), we were playing volleyball together (we had a lot of the same interests), we hung out with a connected group of friends (we got to see each other in a natural environment), and the timing was just, well...right. He asked me out and we've been together ever since.

    I think the biggest difference in this relationship (personally) is that I didn't feel panicky about our future. I didn't ask myself those questions most dating people ask: Is he The One? Can I see him proposing to me? I just enjoyed the moment. I didn't think too far ahead too often. I decided from moment to moment whether I shared my heart. I decided from day to day if this was something I wanted to stay in. I told myself I would let him say "I love you" first. And he did. I decided I would let him bring up the M word. And he did. It was right around the time that he proposed to me that I "felt" like there might be something special with this guy. We've only been together for 2.5 years, but I still feel like I did when we first met. Only better. We're still experiencing the butterflies and yet there is a deeper feeling of comfort now that we're married. We still get excited about learning more about each other.

    I would wish this for everyone. Even with the heartache we've experienced together. (We've experienced quite abit too!) But looking back at all my terrible relationships from the past. I wouldn't change a thing. I go through every brokenhearted moment all over again...just because what I'm experiencing now is so wonderful. Life today with Neil is worth every tear I've cried.

    Just my thoughts and experiences...


  • Mulan

    I married Dave when I was 17 and he was 19. I guess we grew up together, and somehow we worked. I realize that is rare, but I am so glad we found each other. I can't imagine being married to anyone else, or being in the dating game. Maybe arranged marriages are the way to go. (just a thought)

    Accidents happen! We were good little dubs and just wanted to have sex. (honest..............Princess, hide your eyes)

    Edited to add that we've been married 40 1/2 years. Good grief.

  • SheilaM

    If you want advice from someone that has been there-------

    The one thing I find is that young girls don't realize YOU DO MARRY YOUR FRIEND !!!!!!! I married my friend my best friend and in the end when it all is said and done, no matter how much I may not agree or be mad at him he is MY FRIEND so how mad can you be with someone that is always there for you?

    Also, Passion DOES NOT HAVE TO DIE...not sure why it does with other s but with us it is always there maybe an undercurrent of it or maybe passion that is full blown. But always there.

    Yes, there are good men out there but sometimes they are right in front of you and you don't realize that they ARE THE ONE.

    Chin up you girls are beautiful and will find your soul mate just be patient

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