Post Script: I know I’m being really self-indulgent, but I’m worth it; darn it, I’m worth it. This post is much longer than I originally intended. I just have the need to write it all down. It may help me; it may help someone else. For those who suffered through to the end it, thank you. Thank you all for responding, and for your support. It really does help a lot. I hope it's legible.
Bluesapphire: I didn’t know about Rutherfords Love letter to Hitler. Does anyone have proof of this? I have seen the document supporting Hitler on the Internet. I don’t understand why this info would be in the 1934 Year Book when the war didn’t start till 1939. Wouldn’t it logically be put in a later book? My mother does know how push buttons. I’m just starting to really understand why she upsets me so.
Thanks for the info. I’ll look at some of the sites.
I went to my counsellor yesterday. I jokingly told her that the day before I tried to create some drama so I would have something to talk to her about. It is very sad, but to relieve some stress you sometimes have to kid around. Sometimes I say that my parents are comic relief, they are truly so strange, that I sometimes do a double take, what are they doing? Why aren’t the rest of us like that?, or are we, and we just don’t recognize it. My counsellor suggested that I pray beforehand for strength. I have done that, but it was such a spontaneous thing; I didn’t think about it. One thing I will not tolerate is them berating my brothers. She has done the same with my aunt (her sister), who has bent over backwards for her, and I will continue to defend my aunt. How dare she. Part of the reason I stay in contact with her is to try and show her that I am a decent person and hopefully that she sees there is a real
truth elsewhere. I have been able to stay calm, but when she attacked my brother again I couldn’t handle her anymore. My father has done so much worse than my brother. My brother has a heart, I’m really not sure if my father does. I do wonder. I do feel I must honour my parents, but I have no respect for them. They’re hypocrites.
Utopian Raindrops: I realize that the situation isn’t really about the JW org. We were having problems as a family before they became witnesses. My mother has never been maternal, my father never paternal. He has never told me that he loved me in his life. When my mother said she loved me the few times that she did it was with desperation, her arms around my neck dragging me down. To this day I can’t hug her, and I’m very affectionate. I freely give hugs to most, but I’m not cheap. My children have no desire to see them and my parents have never made an effort to have a relationship with them. The few times that she has called and my daughter picks up, my mother doesn’t even converse with her, just, where’s your mother? When I used to read sad stories from elderly parents, "my children don’t visit me", I automatically thought that if they were anything like my parents it’s no wonder. But I have tried to remain in contact in spite of their difficult nature. My mother was a surprise. My grandmother was 43. Her oldest sister was already married. My aunt (that I mentioned above) was 16 and was in a sense her mother; she took care of her. The third sister also spoiled her, and she had one brother 9 yrs older. She was sickly and was spoiled. When my youngest brothers were in their mid teens she left them for 2 yrs and ran home to her sisters (mothers) in the Netherlands. I don’t think I have ever forgiven her for that. I was up here in Canada and my brothers were in Texas alone together. She abandoned them. I think we all have the capability to change if we really want to; but then we have to grow up, she has never done that. I told her in a nice way about 20 yrs ago that she needed to grow up. She was going through one of her hysterical moments again, and at my house. She was staying with me for a short time. Left my dad again. I know that one of the biggest lessons is to realize that my mother didn’t give me what I wanted or needed. I’m just glad that I didn’t follow in her footsteps. I really do feel sorry for her. I have told my children that first and foremost I am a human being and want to be treated as such, I am then a mother to them.
I do ask what I’m getting out of the relationship. I guess I’ve always hoped that she would see me, that I was a worthwhile person, that I was caring. She is the toxic person in my life, and I have to ask myself what lesson do I need to learn. Maybe it’s compassion, patience. But I thought I was learning that from my kids, not my mother. I’m not sure if my mother will even talk to me again (but then all she really has left is my father, and he’s always doing his own thing) But I do know I have to put some distance between her and myself. As for controlling, you hit it right on the nail. What I’m just starting to learn is that she is emotionally very controlling. As for what does she give to me in a positive way, she really doesn’t. A few years ago I had to really try hard to find what positive thing she has given me and the only thing I could come up with is that she gave me 3 loving brothers, and a love for classical music. Now that I think of it, that’s something to be really thankful for.
I know mothers and daughters sometimes butt heads. I have a 16 yr old daughter, but it’s so different. My daughter is the daughter and I’m the mother. With my mother the roles were reversed; I was the mother; I held her when she fell apart. She wasn’t there when I was falling apart, she didn’t even know what I was going through. That’s not the child’s role, to continually support the parent. I understand about the control. My father has always been very controlling, but his own life was so out of control. I remember a song when I was a teenager, about You can’t even control your own life, then why are you trying to control mine. Strange, my mother is always raving about my youngest brother. He is a great guy, all three brothers are. But for some reason she accepts the things he does. Does he suck up to her and we don’t? You mentioned you wrote a letter to your father. Wednesday night I lay in bed writing it in my mind and I got really angry, things were coming back to me. Sometimes we don’t realize the anger we carry. As I wrote to someone else I’m planning to write two letters, one I’ll send, the other just to vent.
Thanks for the hug. LadyLee I see has already answered your question.
I know that getting angry doesn’t help. I hurt her (even though she was the one that threw the remark at me) but I reacted. I think it does go deeper than the JW org. Today I realized that it’s the fact
has always wanted to be the centre of attention; it’s always about her. I’ve always known that about her. On the surface when I reacted I thought it was because of the JW org (it is in part) but mainly because she needs to be the centre, she’s the one victimized, persecuted, no-one understands her, without any regard to anyone else. I don’t think she realizes that others have pain. I do think that my mother has always been envious of me; that she wants to be me. Once in my twenties I thought I was my mother. It totally freaked me out.
Funny, I was going to send you a PM. I know we got off on the wrong foot. I know that anger comes from pain. I did say that it’s a mistake to prejudge, but we all do it, and I did. I’m sorry. Thanks for the positive response; it means a lot to me. To be honest each time I saw one of your comments I cringed. You seemed like an articulate, intelligent young person but some of your comments really offended me. I’m truly sorry to hear about your story. You’re mother isn’t much older than I am! I really can’t imagine being totally separated from my family. Thankfully my parents are the only ones. My brothers, relatives aren’t. My two youngest brothers grew up in it and rejected it. I honestly don’t understand how a mother could reject a child because of a belief or unbelief. My kids know that I love them unconditionally. I may not always be a great parent but they know that I love them. They’re not always great kids, but I know that they love me. That an organization can have so much control, is sometimes too hard to fathom. When I had doubts about Jesus, a very dear friend of mine never criticized, she just loved and supported me. Isn’t that what we all want from our parents; what we deserve. When someone is thrown away in a sense, you just become despondent and maybe even angry. To turn against an org isn’t the same as rejecting God. I realize that if I push the truth to my mother it will just confirm in her mind that see, the persecution is starting. mother, and she will just dig in deeper. That’s why I don’t believe in pulling the rug from under their feet. People like my mother are very fragile, it’s the only thing that they have to hang on to, and who am I to take that away from them. Thanks for the hug (I love hugs) Hugs to you also.(and I’m sure your mother doesn’t know what she’s missing by not having a relationship with you, likewise my mother doesn’t realize; they’re cheating themselves)
I chuckled reading your comment, but with great sadness. Your situation sounds very much like mine. I do plan to apologize to my mother for getting upset, but not for speaking up. She expects me to follow her rules, eg. "I can criticize the church but you can’t say anything negative about the org. even
when I throw something at you that you may react to". I don’t understand how a parent can love one child over another. I can see liking one over the other but not love more. Is it for selfish reasons, because a need is met in them. I love both my kids (they’re different) not because they will love me back but just because I love them (now I don’t always like them, but I love them) As for not always being the parent we need to be, I relate to that. I think for a while I treated my kids somewhat
like my parents treated me, but thankfully I learned that it wasn’t the right way to treat them. I hope DJ you too can get beyond the pain; to realize that the problem is with them, not us. They rob themselves of what could be a wonderful relationship. I agree, once month may be good, that is if my mother will talk to me. As you can see I ramble too much too, and no I’m
I plan to write my mother (have already started) I will write two letters, one to vent, the other I will send her. No I didn’t get abusive, just very upset. I know that it takes the better person to apologize. I’m apologizing because I got upset, not because of what I said. It’s really hard to keep things on certain topics such as family because she criticizes everything. If I try to start anything positive she turns it into something negative, so by the end of the conversation I’m totally exhausted.
I totally agree about writing (see Prisca above) I plan to make a copy of it. I wrote her a letter a number of years ago, trying to explain myself, but she totally misunderstood me. All she could ask "Why do you hate me" threw it back at me, why was I such an unfeeling person. I never implied that I hated her. I think that is the brunt of the problem; my feelings where my mother is concerned, always having to prove 1. that I exist 2. that I have feelings 3. that I am a caring, decent person. It really is her problem that she doesn’t see it, not mine. But in my old age I am learning. Thanks for the advice about me asking my mother to provide an answer, but honestly I think my mother, like many people, are afraid because they might find out something that they aren’t ready for.
Thanks for your response. The fact that 800 JW’s perished is terrible; that people perished is terrible. I guess it was because it came from my mother. She identifies so much with this org. "See I’m a victim, look at me, you persecute me, you don’t understand me". I do hope you send me any info on the subject. I’ll tell you, even though I love my parents, it’s very difficult to tell them that. I don’t like them. A flaw in me I’m sure. So wise for such a young person. Tot ziens.
Thanks. I know the truth doesn’t change, it can never fall apart. Even as a painfully shy teenager if I felt something to be true, I would say so, accepting the fact that some would reject me. But a young person, I realize now, can often see everything black and white, almost militant. As we get older we tend to mellow, much like a fine wine, right!... right!
I’ve heard about this. Isn’t it called cognitive -decon something? I realize that the only way I might get through to her is with kindness. This org is the only thing that she has to hang on to, she thinks. At the beginning of our conversation she mentioned that she has always hated being alone. When my father was in the hospital a few months ago, she was very lonely. I thought, didn’t any of her brothers or sisters from the KH visit, phone, send a card? To him, her? She also mentioned she couldn’t imagine life without the org, never mentioning God. If only people could see how caring, intelligent people here can be on this board. Yes many times angry, but on the whole very supportive of each other, something we should be getting from them but don’t.
(((everyone))) Come to think of it, tonight please give your better half (those that have one) a big hug (and if in 9 months you have a bundle of joy-not my fault)