Divorce/Terms of Agreement

by SFSDGUY 25 Replies latest jw experiences

  • SFSDGUY
    SFSDGUY

    I'm a first time poster and I apologize if this topic has been discussed before. When I met my wife she was disfellowshiped and were happy, got married, and had a kid. After we had our daughter she got reinstated so her family and her JW "friends" could spend time with our daughter. Long story short the JWs have created a void in our relationship and I have filed for divorce for a couple reasons, but I'm worried about the JW upbringing being inflected on my daughter. We are currently in the process of divorce, and trying not to get a judge involved.

    Does anyone have experience (or suggestions) in creating terms for a divorce agreement that limits exposure to JWs. According to parenting guidelines, she has every right to raise our daughter in any religion. I was planning on creating term where my daughter can only attend JW meetings or functions only with her mother. Any other suggestions?

    Sorry that is a long post, but is there any scholarly studies out there that can determine the JW don't have the best interest of the child?

    Thank you!

  • Vanderhoven7
    Vanderhoven7

    Sorry to rain on your planned out-of-court negotiations.

    My take is that your divorce will end any real control you have over your wife. When she has custody of your daughter, you will not be able to control Watchtower influence, just as your wife will not be able to control how you educate your daughter when you have custody. Verbal and written agreements to the contrary will end up being futile. Your daughter will quickly find out that you are evil association and are bound for destruction at Armageddon whether you like it or not.

    Divorce plays into her hand; since if the unbeliever departs, she is not bound to remain single. I can envision your wife getting remarried to a faithful Jehovah's Witness who will also support your wife and make sure your daughter is educated in all things JW.

    Is there any chance of you sticking it out, for your daughter's sake?

  • SFSDGUY
    SFSDGUY

    Luckily her mental health and substance abuse are the main contributing factors of the divorce and just not solely JW things. When we were in the relationship I had no control or say on what she did. You're correct, I can't prevent her from influencing my daughter, but when she's not around I'm happily exposing my daughter to an alternate lifestyle of birthday parties, holidays, Santa, choices, and free will. I'm exposing her to new things that probably wouldn't be part of her life if we were still married.

    I disagree that written agreements will end up begin futile. We have lawyers, so it's going to be a legal binding document and if she doesn't follow it, there will be legal consequences.

    I've read how the Watchtower can be controlling and separate kids from their non JW parent, that's why I'll be implementing this clause into our agreement.

    "Accordingly, the Mother and Father shall not directly or indirectly influence (child) so as to estrange them from the other parent. Each parent shall also not do anything that might prejudice (child) against the other parent or impair their regard for the other parent. To further support this commitment, each parent shall do everything in her or his power to prevent any of their respective family members from doing or saying anything might prejudice (child) against the other parent or impair their regard for the other parent."

  • Vanderhoven7
    Vanderhoven7

    Will your wife sign such a clause?

    Even if she did, the teachings of the religion, if effective, will unquestionably influence your daughter's thinking about all non-JWs... and that unfortunately includes you.

  • respectful_observer
  • jws
    jws

    I wish you luck. I married a "worldly" woman so that was not an issue. Though religion was. It never came up during the divorce, but after that, I became agnostic. I didn't want my kids raised with religion.

    She was about as religious as most. She "believes" but not enough to do much about it like go to church or read the bible. But ask her and she'll claim she's a believer. It came down to if she wants to take them on her weeks, go ahead.

    Luckily, she's as lazy as she was during our marriage. She's not going to consistently get out of bed on a Sunday to take them to church. Hell. leaving her house is a burden. Even shopping she does online and picks up the order. So there was no chance she was going to take initiative and indoctrinate our kids.

    Outside of that, my daughter had religious friends that sometimes invited her to church functions. Even on my weeks and I allowed it. If that's what they want to do, go do it. I hoped they didn't get indoctrinated, but I had to let them be with their friends and hope. I know from first hand experience of my own and seeing other JWs. Banning something usually backfires. The strictest parents often had the most rebellious children. Tell your kids NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and that's all they want to do.

    Occasionally I'd be watching atheist cartoon videos by the likes of NonStampCollector on YouTube and the kids would hear it and come watch the cartoon. So I think I was being passive about religion. I wasn't purposely drilling no-religion into them, but there were times they'd ask about it or come see what I was watching and stay.

    As a result, my daughter is mad at me for not giving her the hope of a heaven (not that she's religious either, but somebody put that thought in her head). She still doesn't believe, but she's mad at me for not giving her that false hope. Knowing she's going to die someday and that's all there is has caused her fear. My son is pretty like-minded to me. He even argued with Mormons on the existence of god in a parking lot when he was in grade school.

    I may not have any advice on your situation unless my experience helps. And my belief that being too negative against JWs might drive them to being JWs.

    My advice for others is never get involved with a JW or disfellowshipped JW. I know many disfellowshipped people who still believe the JWs. They just gave into the moment (usually sex) and got disfellowshipped. But now that the moment is gone. They're older and wiser, but they still believe the JWs are the one true religion and they need to repent and return someday.

    So don't go with a JW or disfellowshipped one - UNLESS they firmly believe the JW religion is WRONG. Even my ex-wife worried I might return to the JWs. It's good she divorced because if she thinks that, she never knew me and has NO IDEA what I think of the JWs. Apostate JWs are better, IMO. Though not all apostates stay apostates.

  • smiddy3
    smiddy3

    In my experience I have found that many JW`s who become passive ,faders ,and dont participate in the religion anymore ,and even those that have been reproved or DF and don`t attend anymore they still have this hangup .

    And I put it this way

    They have left the "truth" /religion ,but the religion /"truth" has never left them .

    With these people their is always a chance they will rejoin the religion at some future time.

    With these people you have to be sure they have done the homework and proved for themselves that the religous doctrines and beliefs they have held and those that they still hold are just man made doctrines with no God involved.

  • joe134cd
    joe134cd

    From the numerous people who have turned up here seeking advise on a similar situation, it almost never ends well.

    However, you can take comfort that only 1/3 children born into the religion will remain in it as adults. So those are odds in your favour.

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    One way or another you will be branded as an undesirable Dad who is on Satan's side. I have been there myself. This is JW rhetoric to influence the child's thinking. It is crude and simplistic but this is how JWs are in their beliefs.

    In the UK the courts will listen to your case with some sympathy and act according to the best interests of the child. Which country are you in?

  • pale.emperor
    pale.emperor

    Been in your (similar) shoes mate. My ex was still JW when I woke up and left. I found the best solution was not to mention or talk about religion or god at all and just be the cool dad. Birthdays, Christmas, whatever. No kid is gonna actively choose the boring JW way of life when given the option of the real world.

    As for meeting attendance, there's little you can do when she's with her mum. But encourage the kid to keep asking questions.

    BTW, here's a link to the JW Lawyers manual that they use to make the non-JW parent appear to be intolerant and incompentant. https://faithleaks.org/wiki/documents/9/95/Cc-E-1988.pdf

    The book makes my blood boil.

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