Not A Day Goes By Without Me Thinking About Watchtower

by pale.emperor 14 Replies latest jw experiences

  • pale.emperor

    Although I consider myself completely "cured" from Watchtower brainwashing, guilt tripping and propaganda, I realised today that there's not a day that goes by without me thinking of the cult we left. I think of my former family and what I'd like to say to them, what I'd try to explain and how I'd say it without them switching the "ignore" button and running away.

    Today on my Instagram account my little step-brother "liked" a picture I posted. I didn't even know he was still on my friends list. 5 mins later, the like was gone and he had "unfriended" me. I think what's happened is he's liked the pic, shown my mum, and then she's told him off and told him to block me. It's sad. He's only 13 but I've known him since he was 9 months old and we were very close.

    Little things like that remind me that we belonged to a destructive cult. Destructive, not in a violent sense, but destructive in that it will break up the family unit. It'll pervert all that is natural and loving in a family and put itself to the fore. The cult comes before love, before blood ties, before anyone.

    So you see I can't ever not think about Watchtower, not while it's still influencing my former family and reminding me all the time that it still has them.

    Not a day goes by...

  • sparrowdown

    I know what you mean it's like a bungi-chord attached to the heart. There's only so far you can go before the chord yanks you back to the reality of the situation and of course it would, this is family, people who are supposed to love, care and support you over some publishing/real estate business.

    Reminds me of that eighties song "There's always something there to remind me..."

  • moreconfusedthanever

    You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave.

  • OnTheWayOut
    So you see I can't ever not think about Watchtower, not while it's still influencing my former family and reminding me all the time that it still has them.
    Not a day goes by...

    Yes, so true. My wife is an active JW and Watchtower is the elephant in the room that we don't talk about. My mother is an active JW, but it's not something we talk about. My mother-in-law and many in-law family are JW. It gets awkward sometimes.

    While I am pretty free to pursue an ex-JW lifestyle with Christmas and birthday gifts and whatnot with non-JW family and friends, it's always a bit on the quiet side because of my wife.

    Still, I am so glad to be out, I am so glad to be able to think for myself all day everyday. I may have to deal with the subject for years to come, but it is not such a big part of my daily life now.

  • Sail Away
    Sail Away

    pale.emperor, I so very sorry that you are hurting. There are a lot of things, a lot of loss we have to grieve when we leave this cult-- the loss of family, lost years, lost dreams and so much more. There is so much we can never get back, but the freedom is worth it. For me it's not loss of family, because my immediate family is out, but I do think of my JW life nearly every day, over six years out. As a child I was indoctrinated to believe that, as a woman, I had no voice, no role other than a subservient one. I could do nothing of value other than serve god in the way prescribed by a corporation. It is still a struggle. I hope someday it gets easier for all of us.

    A big hug to you,


  • longgone

    How amazing, I just sat down to post something like this. To ask if others can put it out of mind for any length of time?

    It's been about one and half years out for me, and I frequently ask myself what's wrong with me that it pops up in my mind every day! Just like was said.

    More than once though for me. Unless I'm completely distracted with other things, or concentrating very hard on something it comes drifting into my consciousness.

    Since everything in my life involved family in the religion and other JW's exclusively, all my memories connect with it.

    Example, (and I'll wrap this up before I start writing all night) I was fixing dinner and something about it reminded me of a close friend and how we cooked together, and how happy we were. Then right within that moment it comes to mind that thanks to the cult she's gone. As in no longer living. It hurts of course, and I was just fine, happy even doing an ordinary thing and suddenly I've been swept back into cult memories.

    I wish we all could erase these thoughts. Perhap with time to some degree at least, I just don't know.

  • Normalfulla


    It sux ,

    I have siblings which I care about deeply and even though we are not df they know about me waking up and ceasing to be a jw , they won't talk to me and unfriended us on social media as if my wife and I are a disease, we don't post anything apart from family pics of kids and just general normal stuff , so sad I won't have a relationship with my nephews and nieces

    So I too can't help think about the cult that binds my family in that life wasting soup of lies , if they treated me better I wouldn't feel the animosity towards the religion

    ...Waiting for the wake up call

  • Chook

    I’m fortunate I have no blood relatives in , but I don’t allow jw past to consume my time outside the forum and my enthusiasm to let jw know that maybe they have been duped. But I genuinely would like to meet some fellow posters one day. Pale you might have forgot that when some commit suicide after cult jc, it is an act of violence.

  • smiddy3

    It`s about 25 years since my wife & I set foot in a KH yet since I`ve had a PC thanks to my son for the past 10-12 years I have been interested in whats going on in JW land and I check in almost daily.

    It`s become like an addiction with me .I am interested in peoples experience`s and those who exit the cult as well as any news that will bring them down such as the ARC and the many law suits against them from all over the world.

    And I try to add my 2 cents worth by commenting and/or posting hoping I can contribute to someone leaving the religion.

    Trying to make up for the many hours I spent in my 33 years as a JW trying to make converts into the JW ranks.

  • The Fall Guy
    The Fall Guy

    You're not alone P.E. As long as any of us have loved ones still chained in the WT prison, we can't blank it out of our minds totally.

    EAGLES lyric so applicable, as highlighted by Moreconfusedthanever:

    "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave." (Hotel California)

    I like this EAGLES line too: "So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." (Already Gone)

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