I just stand by myself by the wall
I understand given the way you feel, why you would do that but do you think it may be sending people signals that you don't want them to talk to you?
I don't even ride horses anymore because the trainer at the barn I went to was really mean and bitchy towards me.
Not to sound insensitive but much of what you say in this post and past posts makes it sound as if most everyone you encounter, is against you. This very well could be the case but most of the time we are in control of how we react when life doesn't go our way or when people treat us badly. Why stop riding horses just because someone is a jerk? Why not ignore her and get on a horse and gallop off across the field and have a wonderful time?
If I altered my life around everyone who was rude to me over the years, I'd be no where. When you are depressed, you are seeing the world around you through depressed eyes. We often give our negative thoughts more credibility than they deserve instead of choosing to filter them out or ignore them altogether.
I'm feeling like more of an outcast than I already was.
Have you been cast out or are you excluding yourself?
How many times a week has anyone actually said or done something mean to you. I'm talking about, stole your lunch money, told you to get lost, called you a horrible name, kicked your dog or cussed you out ? I'm guessing not once.
How many times a week have you had your feelings hurt just by a mere look on someones face or by their tone of voice or because they didn't pay attention to you? I'm guessing quite often.
Which is more likely to happen....you look across the aisle at the Kingdom Hall and you notice someone looking at you and you think to yourself....
A) Oh....there's that sister Jones....what's she lookin' at ?? I can tell by the look on her face she thinks the answer I gave on the last paragraph was stupid! I can tell she doesn't like me.
B). Oh...there's sister Jones....she show's up at the meeting 3 or 4 times a year, never answers and still expects to get everlasting life !
C) Oh there's sister Jones...she's probably thinking how nice I look
tonight and is really glad I'm here. I'll bet she's hoping I'll come up after the meeting and talk to her.
Probably A or B right?
A depressed or negative person may feel others are being harsh toward them when actually because they are feeling badly, they are projecting their own negativity onto others or reading other peoples minds incorrectly.
Sister Jones could just as easily have been sitting there thinking " I need to remember to pick up some milk on the way home....Oh...there's BlackWolf....I wonder why she's looking at me like that...anyway, I should also pick up some eggs while I'm at it and it might not be a bad Idea to get a loaf of bread."
"YOU CAN FIND ANTS AT ANY PICNIC, IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH "
It might be helpful to do an experiment where you spend 24 hours where you pay attention to your thoughts and see how often you try to read someone else's mind, interpret someone else's motives, or are look for reasons to be offended.
See how many times a day you expect others actions to make you feel good compared with how many times a day you do something to make someone else's day better.
There's a story about an old man who was sitting on his front porch and a stranger called out to him saying
Stranger: "I'm thinking about moving to this town....what's it like here? Are the people nice ?
Old Man: " Well tell me....how did you like your old town and the people in it?"
Stranger: " Oh...my old town was boring, there was nothing to do and everyone who lived there was an idiot! "
Old Man: " In that case, you're likely to find this town is the very same way"
Much of our happiness is determined by our own outlook and how we react to our experiences rather than controlled by the actions of others. Why not find reasons to like people and ways to make it easy for them to approach you? Just assume that most people are basically nice are not thinking that much about you or going out of their way to make you unhappy.
I think you're in a rut where you are thinking negatively about the world around you and looking for ways to prove this is so. This can happen to anybody especially if they are isolated from others too much and become focused on their own thoughts and wishes. It's time to break the cycle. You have the power to make your life more pleasant for yourself. Unless something bad is actually physically happening to you, force yourself to ignore the negative thoughts...shoo them away like flies at a picnic. Assume the best about the people around you and look for reasons to be appreciative and grateful that things are as good as they are. If you are warm, fed, have a roof over your head and have people who care for you, your already most of the way there !
Things are lookin' up for you...you'll see !