How to Irritate JWs: The Catholic Way

by Hernandez 18 Replies latest social humour

  • Hernandez

    What's the greatest advantage in becoming a Roman Catholic after leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses some 17 years ago? Why, it's the way it totally irritates people and really pushes their buttons...that is, if you are one of the unfortunate Jehovah's Witnesses who happens across my door during field service.

    I have developed several techniques to make it very frustrating to the unwary Witness who hopes to make headway at my house. It may not be any fun for the publisher, but it sure gives me a buzz. (And that's all that really matters now, right?) Feel free to "borrow my moves." You don't even have to be Catholic to try them. Guaranteed to be effective "conversation stoppers" that will leave your witnessing Witnesses speechless.

    "The Saint"

    Since most Catholics have a crucifix hanging over or beside their front door, I find it handy for this "saintly" presentation. After the Witnesses introduce themselves and begin their presentation, while feigning interest I reach for my crucifix, slowly bring it forward, and while they are talking I bring it up to my chest, cradling it with a bit of rocking motion. I make sure I know, the kind of smile I mean. The kind of smile that says: "I haven't gone mad. I'm just in my happy place." Or the one that says: "I just passed wind." After a few seconds of that, I take the crucifix and use it to make the sign of the cross over each of my visitors. This often gets followed by blessing their books, book bags, iPads, etc., before returning to my "saintly" pose I started off with. Sometimes I look up to heaven and nod and whisper back like I'm getting some instructions from someone they can't hear. I answer any and all questions from the Witnesses with: "Sorry, was just talking to Jesus." Or: "Kiss my cross," followed by an angrier "Kiss my CROSS!" if they don't do it. Often I just say: "And who's the tall hooded chap you've brought with you today?" while pointing at no one behind them. Which me brings me to...

    The "Exorcism"

    Yep, get your handy squeeze bottle of holy water handy for this one (available from any Catholic shop or online). Holy water is available at the entrance of every Catholic Church from a dispenser from which Catholics take home in these little bottles to bless their own things with. These come in handy as a greeting utensil to baptize your witnessing Witness friends. Again, after feigning interest in their presentation for a second or two, I grab my holy water bottle (slowly as not to "spook" the JWs), flip the top, and sprinkle a few drops in the direction of each publisher. When they get all fussy as to why I just sprinkled them with holy water (each bottle comes clearly marked with the words "Holy Water" and a cross, so it will be obvious), I just say: "There was a demon crawling over you." I immediately follow this up with: "There he is again! Aaargh!" spraying a good stream over them before slamming my door in their faces, locking my door with as much noise as possible. Hours of fun for the family with this one.

    The Icon-o-blast

    This one is my favorite. You know how us Catholics like our images and "worship aids" as Witnesses call them (which sounds like a communicable disease to me )? Well, get out your old Watchtower publications or print some straight off of the website and introduce yourself to a new hobby you are bound to love: iconography! That's right, just find pictures of Jesus, Mary, and sometimes even the Pope himself from the pages of your favorite Watchtower book or magazine, cut it out, add a halo to it, frame it, and there you can have "worship aids"! Show them off to your JW friends when they come a callin', too. I usually ask them if they have a magazine or tract or something first, take it, then I show them what I do with them. I am really proud of where I've changed all those illustrations of Jesus nailed on an upright pole to the "more correct" version of him on a cross. And after I show off my handiwork to the JWs (who strangely seem somewhat appalled when I do this), I next hand each Witness a prayer card, handmade by yours truly, from a picture from one of the publications: usually with Jesus or Mary on the front, and instructions on how to pray the Rosary on the back. Let them know how much their publications have helped you stay a strong Catholic over the years, and be sure to thank them for giving you "worship aids."

  • John_Mann

    The goal of Catholicism is not to irritate people.

    The goal of Catholicism is the salvation of the soul. And you cannot achieve this by irritating but understanding.

  • Hernandez


    You're kidding me, right? Because I wrote this and posted it in the "Humor section" of this forum.

    If you think I really believe that one should do these things, or that I do them myself, then we are all doomed.

    I'm a professional humor writer, and I've been a teacher in Catholic RCIA programs in the USA. Some of these jokes here came from fellow Catholics (and even some ex-JWs) who, unlike Witnesses, don't take themselves so seriously. The "holy water" bit came partially from a priest who is a friend of mine.

    I am not here to proselytize (which Pope Francis said is not the Catholic way). I am here to support my fellow exJW. A lot of them don't care for religion at all after the horrible treatment they got from the Watchtower. So I am not here to preach or persuade or make Catholics out of any of them. This was just a laugh to share among people who, after the time spent in the dreary JW world, might need it.

    But if I were out to help people with my Catholic beliefs, I am sure I would go quite a way further with humor and an attitude which didn't take myself all that serious than not being sharp enough to note when a joke is being posted in the humor section of a forum.

  • Drwho

    An enjoyable read : ) This would make a great TV sketch , or even a Youtube vid ?

    Its all so sad and hard work trying to get through to Jws, it makes a pleasant change to read this : )))

  • neat blue dog
    neat blue dog

    I wouldn't say "And who's the tall hooded chap you've brought with you today?", because then they're liable to think that an angel is watching over them, reinforcing their beliefs 😜

  • Island Man
    Island Man

    You can also try this: Ask them what religion they belonged to before becoming a JW. There's a good chance that one of them was a Catholic. When they say they were Catholic you just say: "So that means you're an apostate and I have no dealings with apostates!" then you close the door and leave.

    Alternatively, you can take the same platitudes and rationalizations that JWs use to excuse Watchtower's errors and injustices (imperfect men taking the lead, the light gets brighter, that was in the past, wait on Jehovah (or "the LORD"), etc) and apply them to your own church to justify remaining in your own church despite its errors. Just change the wording slightly to avoid suspicion that you're mocking them. Give them a taste of their own medicine.

    Another thing you can do is ask them for advise on how you can help your friend escape the clutches of some obscure cult. Just make up a name for the cult - preferably a name that is not the name of an existing cult, so that the JW will find nothing online if they researched it. (It's a very obscure cult) Then you describe the cult to them making sure to mention characteristics that are very similar to JWs. For example you can say that the cult:

    ~ Teaches that they are the restored true church and only they are true chritians and it labels all other professed chrisitians as being part of "churchianity".

    ~ Teaches that the cult's leadership council was divinely appointed by Jesus in the year 1939 to teach true christianity. They are the only channel of instruction that God is using today. Members must trust the leaders and accept their teachings to have God's approval. Persons must serve God in association with their group to have any valid hope of surviving the end of the world.

    ~ Forbids invasive gynecological exams citing the command to "abstain from fornication" mentioned at Acts 15:28,29. As a result female members refuse to get pap smears and male members refuse digital (with the finger) prostate exams. The result is that the death rate from cervical cancer and prostate cancer is higher than average, among members.

    ~ Teaches members to not have friendship or close association with non-members because they will corrupt them spiritually.

    ~ Shuns those who resign from the cult - including their own family. Shunning causes some to commit suicide because they find themselves all alone since they never cultivated friendships with people outside the group.

    ~ Teaches that the end of the world is coming soon and only members of the cult will survive. Because of this the cult discourages university education and many members forego getting a good education and end up struggling financially later in life.

  • John_Mann

    Anyway it's not wise to use Catholicism for humor.

    Bad taste humor.

  • LostGeneration

    Are you Catholic John Mann?

  • John_Mann

    Yes I am.

  • millie210

    Hernandez I took your post in the spirit in which you meant it and loved it!

    I think the concept of not taking ourselves too seriously is a great one.

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