What's the greatest advantage in becoming a Roman Catholic after leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses some 17 years ago? Why, it's the way it totally irritates people and really pushes their buttons...that is, if you are one of the unfortunate Jehovah's Witnesses who happens across my door during field service.
I have developed several techniques to make it very frustrating to the unwary Witness who hopes to make headway at my house. It may not be any fun for the publisher, but it sure gives me a buzz. (And that's all that really matters now, right?) Feel free to "borrow my moves." You don't even have to be Catholic to try them. Guaranteed to be effective "conversation stoppers" that will leave your witnessing Witnesses speechless.
Since most Catholics have a crucifix hanging over or beside their front door, I find it handy for this "saintly" presentation. After the Witnesses introduce themselves and begin their presentation, while feigning interest I reach for my crucifix, slowly bring it forward, and while they are talking I bring it up to my chest, cradling it with a bit of rocking motion. I make sure I smile...you know, the kind of smile I mean. The kind of smile that says: "I haven't gone mad. I'm just in my happy place." Or the one that says: "I just passed wind." After a few seconds of that, I take the crucifix and use it to make the sign of the cross over each of my visitors. This often gets followed by blessing their books, book bags, iPads, etc., before returning to my "saintly" pose I started off with. Sometimes I look up to heaven and nod and whisper back like I'm getting some instructions from someone they can't hear. I answer any and all questions from the Witnesses with: "Sorry, was just talking to Jesus." Or: "Kiss my cross," followed by an angrier "Kiss my CROSS!" if they don't do it. Often I just say: "And who's the tall hooded chap you've brought with you today?" while pointing at no one behind them. Which me brings me to...
Yep, get your handy squeeze bottle of holy water handy for this one (available from any Catholic shop or online). Holy water is available at the entrance of every Catholic Church from a dispenser from which Catholics take home in these little bottles to bless their own things with. These come in handy as a greeting utensil to baptize your witnessing Witness friends. Again, after feigning interest in their presentation for a second or two, I grab my holy water bottle (slowly as not to "spook" the JWs), flip the top, and sprinkle a few drops in the direction of each publisher. When they get all fussy as to why I just sprinkled them with holy water (each bottle comes clearly marked with the words "Holy Water" and a cross, so it will be obvious), I just say: "There was a demon crawling over you." I immediately follow this up with: "There he is again! Aaargh!" spraying a good stream over them before slamming my door in their faces, locking my door with as much noise as possible. Hours of fun for the family with this one.
This one is my favorite. You know how us Catholics like our images and "worship aids" as Witnesses call them (which sounds like a communicable disease to me )? Well, get out your old Watchtower publications or print some straight off of the JW.org website and introduce yourself to a new hobby you are bound to love: iconography! That's right, just find pictures of Jesus, Mary, and sometimes even the Pope himself from the pages of your favorite Watchtower book or magazine, cut it out, add a halo to it, frame it, and there you can have "worship aids"! Show them off to your JW friends when they come a callin', too. I usually ask them if they have a magazine or tract or something first, take it, then I show them what I do with them. I am really proud of where I've changed all those illustrations of Jesus nailed on an upright pole to the "more correct" version of him on a cross. And after I show off my handiwork to the JWs (who strangely seem somewhat appalled when I do this), I next hand each Witness a prayer card, handmade by yours truly, from a picture from one of the publications: usually with Jesus or Mary on the front, and instructions on how to pray the Rosary on the back. Let them know how much their publications have helped you stay a strong Catholic over the years, and be sure to thank them for giving you "worship aids."