What is wrong with my family?

by Nickey 38 Replies latest social family

• 

  Francois

  Your parents are using the whole Jehovah's Witness schtick as an excuse to keep from letting you go, from letting you become an adult in your own right. The law says you entered your majority with all its rights and responsibilities when you were 21. However, you have had a lifetime of training in having your brainwashed and your own thought processes invalidated.

  Your parents fear you leaving and beginning a life of your own, and apparently are pulling every trick out of the bag they can think of. One of my non-JW friends told me that her mother kept her at home for several years by telling her that if she left and got an apartment of her own that she (the mother) "would never speak to her again, she wouldn't be welcome in the house she grew up in any longer." Fear, see? And you don't have to be a JW to stoop to that low moral estate.

  Go. As fast as you can, while you still can, before your parents trap you under a mountain of guilt and you find your self forty years old and still at home. You want that?

  I didn't think so.

  francois
• 

  calamityjane

  Oh I have to add this.

  When I was attending the meetings, there was an older sister and her daughter who attended. The father was an unbeliever. This daughter was so hen pecked by her mother. She was one of those older sisters who wouldn't mind their own business, there were numerous times she would phone my mom and harass her because my mom was neglecting my grandmother, blah, blah, blah. I use to get so annoyed when she would call. Anyway, to make a long story short, I recently saw this older sister and her daughter out shopping, this daughter must be at least 50 now, she hangs her head like a little puppy, she looks like shit, has never had a man EVER in her life, and she's still with her mommy. She's a poor pathetic soul that has never known joy in her life (like being with a man).

  Get my point.

  I hope this helps you to get a backbone.

  Love,

  from a mom who cares about you.

  cj
• 

  Ghost of Esmeralda

  Of course NY is a filthy, disgusting place. That's why the WT chose it as it's world HQ. In ancient times I'm sure they would have located in the thriving metroplex of Sodom/Gomorrah.

  ROFLMAO!!! That has to be the quote of the year. I was just about to comment that if it was such a horrible place why is Bethel there, but DFWnonJW said it better than I would have!

  Now, Nickey, honey, first of all you are not crazy. As somebody already said, your family are JW's, that is what the matter is with them.

  When I decided I had to divorce my ex husband, my family went on an all out preaching campaign, told me I was making a horrible mistake, etc. etc. I stayed the course knowing that I was doing what I had to do, and today, they are all in a terrible state of crisis with my 'standing' because they know I did the right thing.

  They have finally seen a glimpse of the way my ex really is, (though they don't know the HALF of it) and I know that several of them thought that he should be the one df'd not me, and that the situation was handled all wrong by the Elders (which, it was).

  Point is, they're trying to control you and are going to pull every trick in the book, push all your buttons, guilt you, make you cry. Believe me, I've been there. They still try, (those that still speak to me, that is) it very rarely gets to me anymore.

  I'm a mom, and I don't know if I'd want my daughter going to NY alone. But that's the mother in me. If you were going with someone else, I'd feel better about it. If you do decide to go, be careful and listen to your instincts. Common sense will get you far in life.

  The bottom line is, no matter how much they tell you you're a child, it's not true. You've passed the age of legal adulthood, they really can't prevent you from doing what you want.

  But they can make you go out on your own, and if you're not in a finantial position to do that, you may want to get into one before really asserting your independence so that you can be ready when they say it's 'my way or the highway'.

  My advise...get some schooling if you can, or at least get a job and start saving. Make sure you can take care of yourself, and you'll be on your way, and in a position to claiming your own, adult life.

  (((((((((((((((Nickey)))))))))))))))))))) I feel for you so much. I was once where you are...I hope you find lots of support here, please know that I care!

  ~Essie

  www.ghostwriter.homestead.com
• 

  outoftheorg

  Hey Nickey.

  You may recall the witness description of theocratic warfare. It involves withholding information or even lying to frustrate those who disagree with their conduct or beliefs.

  Use the theocratic warfare tactic here. Tell them you plan on going to bethel and explore the chances of being of service to the wbts.

  They will literaly shove you in that direction. Maybe even give you the money needed to do that.

  Outoftheorg of the just kidding class. And then again???
• 

  Sentinel

  Growing up is a painful process, and moreso when it is interrupted and altered by the JW philosophy. Normally, we are allowed our mistakes of youth and we are not so full of guilt and fear. We learn through trial and error and we grow in our experiences. JW's take away the normal way to do that, and insert propaganda for labeling, shunning, df'ing, as discipline for just being human. Everything you do hinges on what the "society thinks about it". Although you are taught that god (Jehovah) is the one you serve, it is really just an organization, as are most religions. JW's are just one of the stricter, cultish types. The fairytale dream really is "too good to be true". That's a very sad day of reckoning.

  I never knew a truly functional JW family, even though some professed they had the "perfect little family". People hide behind what they know. To undue that knowledge and build a new foundation is frightening. The younger you are when you do that, the more unstable and unsure you feel. Just like a baby trying to take those first steps. Within a family, with everyone struggling to fit into whatever pattern they are trying to forge for themselvs, there can be confusion and chaos.

  But, you will be fine. We are here for you. The struggle is worth it!
• 

  JamesThomas

  Nickey, You are receiving some excellent guidance and understanding. How wonderful this place is here. Your family are like vampires sucking the life from your soul. They will not be satisfied until your every move, your every thought is a reflection of them. They have been absorbed into a religion that fears freedom of expression and loves only what is blind and imprisoned like itself. Get away from them. Trust is yourself and your own wisdom which you are showing you obviously have. Do not try to figure them out, just leave and find a place to breath. A place to get to know yourself. Keep in contact here, as you see people really care. Find a good counselor or therapist if you can. Stop thinking of them. Put your thoughts and energy into yourself and your new life of freedom. This may sound selfish, but it's not. You will never be able to truly love or help anyone while chained to a wall with a bag over your head. Only from a place of inner freedom are we free to express real love. Helping yourself now, will help others you touch in the future. The prison door is not locked. Walk through it. JamesT
• 

  sandy

  hmmmm... what they said.

  Seriously though I really feel for you. I know how hard it can be standing up to your parents/family. It is something you must do though for your own peace of mind. Let them know that you are capable of making decisions for yourself. You are bound to make mistakes. Everyone does, young and old. Assure them that you know the trip can be dangerous but you plan on being cautious just as you are everywhere else you go. As others have said you can be victimized anywhere you go. Bad things just don't happen in NY.

  I attended a Rape Awareness Meeting last week and one thing that stuck out in my mind was this:

  90% of prevention of a violent crime such as rape is awareness. Keep this in mind all the time not just on your trip.

  Be aware of your surroundings. Always look alert. Don't be afraid to make eye contact with a stranger in passing. This can deter an attacker for fear you can identify them after the fact. Avoid using your cell phone when you are walking about. There are many more prevention tips you may already be aware of. I have a list I will post them on hear later. I think they are important for everyone to know.

  Anyways back to your question. I don't think your parents are crazy. Keep in mind they love you and worry about you. I am sure that will never change. Their tactics to keep you from becoming an adult are useless. When you finally stand up to them time and time again they should get this through their heads. Assure them that you love them and really appreciate their concern but you are an adult and you need to make your own choices in life.

  From your Grandfather's eyes I can see why he said you are just a child. He has so much more life experience than you so try to give him honor despite his negative tactics to keep you from growing.

  This doesn't mean you have to do what they say. From what you say it sounds like your family is over protective. You are 22 years old, granted that is still very young but it is old enough to make life-altering decisions.

  I take it if you were pioneering or going to see Bethel your Grandfather and parents would describe you as a mature young woman with a good head on her shoulders. Take care and be safe. Have a great time in New York. "Give my regards to Broadway" LOL
• 

  dedalus

  From your Grandfather's eyes I can see why he said you are just a child. He has so much more life experience than you so try to give him honor despite his negative tactics to keep you from growing.

  I hope when I have tons of life experience I don't turn use my age to justify being an insensitive, condescending prick.

  Maybe in this case Gramp's motives are worthy, but his behavior isn't.

  Dedalus
• 

  cruzanheart

  Oh, Nickey, your story sounds EXACTLY like what I went through with my parents! I lived at home and pioneered. I'm an only child. I was "raised in the truth." When I turned 25, I looked around and realized that I did not want to still be living at home when I was 30 and began to make noises about moving out. The guilt trips began. Mom started with "Where have I failed?" Dad told me lurid stories of rape and murder of innocent single girls out on their own. They both told me that I would have to quit pioneering to support myself on my own and Jehovah wouldn't approve of that. It would be a mean, selfish act. I shouldn't leave home until I got married. I'd fall out of the truth and die at Armageddon. You name it, they said it. And they always did battle at mealtimes, which made my stomach knot up. They treated me like I was 12 years old, and I am amazed, looking back at it now, that I put up with it for so long. But I didn't know that I could object to them. I didn't know that I could have my own life, that I was ENTITLED to it.

  Dear Nickey, take that trip to New York and try to have a wonderful, guilt-free time. DON'T CALL HOME TO LET THEM KNOW YOU GOT THERE ALRIGHT. And make plans to move. NOW. A friend of mine at work told me, when I was pregnant with my first child: "Remember that the instant she comes out of you, you are training her to leave you." That's the circle of life. Your little ones grow up and go out on their own. You are being held back and I pray that you will make your own way as I wish I had. My story turned out great because I married someone who gave me the freedom to be who I am, and I hope you find someone that wonderful too. But you don't need a life partner to be a happy, well-adjusted member of the human race! You can have fun on your own! START NOW!!!

  Love & hugs,

  Nina
• 

  Nickey

  Thanks so much for the encouragement and kind words. I literally had a nightmare upon sleeping and woke up nervous and tired. But I'm glad I got to read some encouragement. My reason for going to New York is for my relationship. It's been very difficult for us to maintain it and we decided to finally make moves to patch it up and make future plans. I know they don't approve of him because he's not one of "us". But I never had the "us" vs. "them" mentality. I find myself getting more and more angry everytime they whip out an article the society has written on being obedient.

  I had to inch in getting my viewpoints in. The type of family I have is, if you say something they disagree with, they'll dismiss it as a "childish statement" and/or try to out yell you. I respect my grandfather and realize that he's older and more experienced. But it doesn't make him right in everything. Even now he's making some mistakes that could get him disfellowshipped. Him and my mother both do things on the sly that they know would get them disfellowshipped. And I see that as double standards.

  The thing that bothers me the most is using the fear tactic with me. Telling me I'll make God angry and I'll die at armageddom. That fear was put in me from early childhood and I find myself having panic attacks. I tried to talk it over with my older sister. And it just frustrated me how the only thing that could come out of her mouth was that she didn't want to displease Jehovah and that "we" should listen to them because they know more than we do. My sister is turning 25 years old this year and see's nothing wrong sitting in her room watching tv all day. My mother said to me one day that the age in which children should leave their parents house is after 30. And even still she wants to buy property and build our houses right next to each other or have me live downstairs and her upstairs. Way out in the suburbs so when the tribulation comes, we'll be away from the chaos.

  I decided to finally live my life instead of living in fear everyday over when the tribulation would come. Because each day that passes is another day gone. The JW way is just not my way. I don't feel I was put on this earth to live every day in fear and to be controlled. I know I'm still young. But I don't want to look up and see myself 30+ and in the same position. I understand the natural concern. But the way they come at me with horror stories and laying guilt and anxiety on me... that really affects me.

  Making this move is bold of me. But I knew I had to do it someday. I can only hope that my sisters can benefit from what I'm trying to do. The "middle child" has done it again....