I have enjoyed the shunning in the past. But why not now?

by sinboi 16 Replies latest jw experiences

  • sinboi

    I am prepared for shunning when I send in my DA letter. My dad was furious when he comes back from overseas and find out that I have DA myself. Yes, I do regret not talking to him first before I DA...I also know that my mom is crying in her room.

    But they didn't chase me out of the house. My mom still cook my share. But we no longer eat together. I still got my allowance. They did not talk to me. In fact, they avoided meeting me. I too, avoided them. Soon, I enjoyed it. Nobody is controlling me anymore. I have gained my freedom!

    Last saturday morning, I found a note on the table from my mom : "You are getting from bad to worse! No allowance for the weekend." I don't feel anything..no allowance for the weekend?..no problem...I can borrow from friends...

    Everything changed when I received a text msg from my dad in the late evening..."I am going overseas for 3 weeks. Take care of your mom."

    I was so happy when I read that...they still consider me a part of the family?

    I remember my mom will have a meeting on sat's evening. I rush home, shower and waited for her to leave for the meeting. When she finally come out from her room, I said to her : "Mom, dad is overseas. Do you want me to walk you to the bus-stop?" It jolted me out of my dream to be part of the family when she shouted: "You are no longer a jw. Get lost!"

    I went drinking beer, got drunk and don't know how I got back home and at what time...I checked with my friends later...they say it left at about 9:15pm. So I presumed I was back home b4 my mom...she didn't know I have been out drinking...

    Monday morning...I need to go school. My allowances were on the table with a note :"Don't let me catch you smoking again!"

    On the way to school, I was thinking..."She must be angry because she saw me smoke.If I am a good boy to her...."

    I immediately went back home after school..She was not at home..I remember the wash basin is a little bit choked. It took me quite a while to get some hairs out that is causing the choke. By the time I got it cleared, my pants was wet and dirty and the floor too. I was cleaning up the floor when she returns...

    She came into the kitchen and wanted to see what I was doing as the kitchen was wet and dirty..I said : "Mom, I have just cleared the choke!" She tested it and said to me :"I thought I have to wait for your dad to come back. Go and shower! Also put your dirty pants in the washing machine." She then clean up the floor herself.

    I have been washing my own clothes after I DA. This is the first time she talk to me! No doubt the tone of voice is unfriendly but it's ok to me. I've got my reward! Later, I notice a newly ironed school pants on the table....

    That started my dream of becoming a part of the family again...

    Tuesday come and go...she didn't talk to me...in fact since monday's incident, I did not see her face.

    Today Wednesday...I have an exam paper...it was over in 90 mins. We can go home after the exam...I'm afraid to come home...but no one is free to accompany me today...I walked aimless on the streets for quite a while...now back at home...my mom is at home in her room..I in my room...crying...does anyone care whether I am alive or dead????

  • pale.emperor

    Hi Sinboi

    Im having trouble deducing your approximate age from your writing but you mention you're still in school and drink/smoke so im guessing you're in your teens. The way your mom is treating you actually is not as bad as most JW parents. You're still living there so they wont be commanded to shun you entirely unless you leave the family home.

    My advice would be to be the kindest, nicest, most helpful person you can be. This will really surprise them. They may not treat you any better at first but eventually your actions will really surprise them because they're expecting ex-JWs to be bad, drunkards, sex-mad, chain smoking, bad associations.

    Be a great son to them both. Even if they treat you bad, you can at least say you're not the one in the wrong.

    Yes, we care if you're alive or dead. Keep posting here. You're bound to have a load of emotions going through this, almost all of us did. It gets better i promise.

  • Sail Away
    Sail Away

    Welcome Sinboi! I'm so sorry your family is treating you this way. I agree with everything pale.emperor said. You do sound young, but you express yourself well even though English may be your second language.

    Be the best son you can be. Stay in school. Go to college. One of my biggest regrets in life was not going to college. It truly limits your options in life. So many interesting job and business opportunities require higher education.

    Also, do stop smoking. Both of my children stopped smoking within the last year, and I'm so happy for their freedom from the habit. They were both highly motivated to quit, and it was still so hard. Don't go down that road. Save the money you would have spent on cigarettes for your future.

    I care about you!


  • Diogenesister

    Oh I just want to hug you, it must hurt like hell At first freedom...But then you start to feel so lonely, I get it.

    I think pale.empowers advice is absolutely spot on. You could also post on exjwreddit too, as there are lots of kids your age in exactly your situation. I believe it will get better but you must take care of yourself, as your parents are not watching over you so much. And please, no smoking!!I speak as one who is suffering now for doing so. Your mum could probably smell it on you or your clothes. It's very obvious to non smokers even when you do so away from them.

    Don't use on your pain, it's a dangerous place to be. That's how addictions happen. I seriously would consider getting some help from the school councillor as this is a hell of a chunk you've bitten off.

    I hope your parents soften their stance when they start getting over their anger. In the meantime please seek out some help as you are clearly suffering and know you are a very worthwhile and valuable human being who deserves the love of his parents no matter what their warped religion tells them.

  • Issa

    How long have you been disassociated?

    From experiences that I have read and heard from, usually JW parents have either 1) completely shunned their own flesh and blood, 2) have their disfellowshipped or DA sons or daughters leave the house, and that was seen in one of the videos of a previous convention, 3) or very few parents that interacted with their parents.

    It's a complicated situation between exJWs and their parents. It's surprising to hear that, in the case of children, shunning applies to them as well. I may not completely understand what you or others in a similar situation are experiencing. People in this forum are up to date with others in the forum. You posting this shows us aspects and experiences of former life in the JW org. People like you who decided to DA are an insight to what it feels to be treated afterwards, the life out of the org, and the challenges you'll be facing.

    It feels like freedom, now doesn't it? And it's a relief to know that there's more to this world than how the org portrays it. There is hope that the JW org will be exposed for what it is. The hidden information about the information will continue to rise to the surface. It can happen through the media, social media, or people like us sharing our experiences in this forum.

    Now, does anyone care whether you're alive or dead? Yes, there are people who care that you're alive. For one your parents. Under all that shunning, they care about you. You're still part of them even if they can't fully associate with you. Note, that's fault in the policies set forth by the org. Hope for the better I can say, but they still have love towards you.

  • slimboyfat

    It sounds like your parents are more reasonable than some JWs.

    But I've also found some JWs operate a very strict "my advantage" approach to shunning. Which means that the JW will allow any amount of association with DFed or "marked" individuals so long as that association is to their advantage: take lifts from you, let you do chores for them, look after them, buy them dinner, whatever. But if you need something from them they suddenly remember you are bad association and refuse as a matter of "principle". Or maybe I just had a bad experience!

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Welcome Sinboi!

    You sound like you are in your teens. I have to say that it was a brave move to disassociate when you are still under the care of your parents. Good for you! The only problem with gutsy decisions is that they are so because there's great pain in the process. Do as Pale Emperor advices. Be the grown-up. Your parents in many ways are child-like and need patience and toleration. Take care of them.

    By the way, it sounds like your dad may not be a hardcore JW..."Take care of your mom". He may even be in the closet. Who knows. I see hope in your family. Take it slow.

  • tornapart

    Doing something kind for your mum obviously moved her. Behaving in the best way possible, doing things to please your parents (rather than going out drinking and smoking), is the best way to go. Don't give them any reason to want to carry on shunning. They are hurt and upset that you have Da'ed yourself. They feel they must follow the cult rules to be pleasing to God, that hurts them too. That's why your mum cries. She cries because she loves you and feels as though she's lost you. Their minds are controlled by the indoctrination and they don't or can't see that what they are doing is cruel and unloving. They think that treating you this way will make you come 'back to Jehovah'. Try and rise above that if you can, see it for what it is. It doesn't stop you being a loving son and by treating them kindly they may just come round to talking to you again. Don't give up!

  • DesirousOfChange

    What are you gaining by sending in a letter to DA?

    I see it as "playing by their rules". I was an Elder for 20 years. When we received a DA letter, we were "joyful" as it made our job easier. None of our time wasted meeting with contemptible sinners and trying to "snatch them out of the fire". None of our time wasted trying to collect "evidence" from two witnesses. You get the picture.

    If you haven't already done it.......DON'T.

  • deegee


    Do you have other family members who are not JWs?

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