Haunted

Ghost of Esmeralda

Haunted still, after all this time. Most of the time, I am able to separate who I am today from who I was five years ago. Soon, it'll be the five year anniversary of my disfellowshipping. About six years since I stopped caring what the rank and file in the congregation thought of me, and ten since I believed a word they said from the podium. There have been two weddings, and a funeral in my family since that time. I have attended only the funeral, the results of which were very unsettling (as any who may remember the lengthy post I wrote about it know). Now, wedding number three is approaching rapidly, with the plethora of family discomforts that accompany it. There is sadness, yes, it's like a knife to the heart that I will not get to see my cousin get married. I loved this one extra since the day she was born. She was "my" baby, never left my hip or my sight from birth to age six when her parents moved away. She was in my first wedding, I was there for every dance recital, every appearance in school plays. Yes, she was my favorite. Not that I didn't love the others, and dearly, too, but she and I were kindred spirits due to our position, and birth order, in our families. We both got what was left of our parents, if anything, after our siblings got the best of them. She's getting married next week. Just a few miles from my house. It's creepy enough that she's marrying in the same hall, having the reception in the same place as I did when I got married the first time. Even stranger, my daughter is going, with my ex husband and his wife. They will sit at the family table, hell, I even bought her a dress to wear and will put it on her, do her hair, kiss her and send her out the door to attend the blessed event. They will pose in family pictures, with the woman who married my ex standing in my place. My daughter is seven now, old enough to have her own opinions on the whole JW thing, and she thinks it's horrible that the family continues to exclude me. Her life is very close to what I always dreamed it could be...she has holidays, birthdays, tolerance for the beliefs of others. Her world is so much larger, and broader, than mine ever was. While she hates seeing what the family is doing to me, she's torn because she too loves these people, and I can't deny her the chance to be at this event when it means so much to her. (my ex has made sure she spent lots of time with, and is close to, the family that shuns me) For her, I am allowing it. Also because it will reinforce to her that their love is conditional; something she has already learned about her father. It seems after five years, with no plans of getting reinstated, that my family is getting very, very frustrated with and angrier than ever at me. They never imagined I'd stay out this long. My oldest (very active) JW sister commenced complete shunning of me last year, after 4 years of being willing to take the heat for seeing me on a regular basis. My grandmother, whom I love dearly and who is in very ill health, returned from a winter down south to say to me yesterday "I wish you'd get yourself right with the group and be part of the family again. It's breaking my heart." Not what you want to hear from a woman who practically raised you, and who is in very, very frail health. I'm not part of the family? Did I leave them? No. I left their cult, but not them. They left me. By choice. My door has always been open to them, but they won't cross the gap to come through it. They say that I'm the one at fault, that I caused this mess and that I am to blame for the rift in the family. My ex husband knows damn well that things never should have happened as they did and I believe his conscience is still guilty. My mother said he's always very pensive at these family functions, and has even said to her in the past "She (meaning me) should be here." I am forever damned because I left a man who abused me, and married one who treats me like gold. The next week is going to be hell on earth as the family continues to squirm, turn the screws, and bring back ghosts of a past that I thought maybe, just maybe was really behind me. But it's not. I'm still haunted. How can I not be, when every member of my family except me is still in the collective? Knowing that they twist, and turn when they hear things coming from the platform that aren't true...knowing that my second sister, who returned to meetings to help her "stay sober", tells me herself that after reading a lot of things on Freeminds that she'll never be able to truly buy the WT dogma again. But still, she sits in the hall, as sick as it makes her physically, because she doesn't know what else to do. She's seeking a peace which she'll never find there. Maybe I'm seeking peace too, or comfort from those who know of what I speak, I don't know. I don't know why I'm coming back here to post now if not for that reason. I have worked so hard in the past year to distance myself so much from all of this crap. I've immersed myself in doing charity work for the benefit of others as much as my health will allow, and I find it more fulfilling than anything I ever did to 'save the world" as a JW. But I wonder sometimes if I drive myself so hard to do so much for everyone else to prevent me from being alone with myself, or to try to convince myself that I'm not the horrible, immoral person they think I am? That I am not unredeemably evil? These family events, especially this one, churn it all up again. It's like suddenly I'm thrust face to face up against my older self, the dark reflection in my mirror that I no longer see every time I look at myself, but that sneaks up on me when I least expect it. It's like I feel a cold hand on my shoulder, and I turn around, and I look into the eyes of the woman I was and realize that despite all my efforts, progress, and the passage of time, that she's still with me. Still haunting me. I hope everyone here has been well in my absence. I think of many of you more often than you know. Don't know how long I'll stay this time, but if I don't work some of this out into words on paper, or the screen, I may very well spontaneously combust. Still lurking about... I'm just the ghost of Esmeralda. "God help the outcasts."

Angharad

((((Essie))) Welcome back

So sorry things are hard at the moment, hang in there and stay strong. There are many here who will understand.

Seven

:that sneaks up on me when I least expect it. It's like I feel a cold hand on my shoulder, and I turn around, and I look into the eyes of the woman I was and realize that despite all my efforts, progress, and the passage of time, that she's still with me.

:Don't know how long I'll stay this time, but if I don't work some of this out into words on paper, or the screen, I may very well spontaneously combust.

Dear sweet ghost of Esmeralda,

I think from time to time that the people we were still somehow manages to stir the pot causing much turmoil in our lives and making forums like this a necessary part of our existance. Just get it all out-vent away.

There's an added private message inbox at the top left of the page since you visited last. I hope you can find some comfort and support from your old friends here and some new ones too. It's good to see you even under these circumstances.

Love,

seven

nowisee

dear ghost of esmeralda,

i think many here on this forum have scars that have not completely disappeared, anger that has not completely dissipated. perhaps we never totally exorcise the spirits of the past. it is good to know that this vehicle is here for us to be able to share, validate and support others with similar experiences when we feel the need.

i have heard many good things about you and i am glad to meet you.

very best wishes, nowisee

Ghost of Esmeralda

((((((((((Seven, Tally, nowisee)))))))))))))))

thanks for responding...i know this is just another thing i have to get through, it's just rough and it's nice to be with people who really understand.

nowisee, nice to meet you (((((((hug)))))))))))))

(((((((((Seven)))))))))))) you know i love you, girl. thanks for always being there!!!

Tally, thanks for the post, i'll e mail you soon.

big hugs to all,

essie

WildHorses

((((((((((((((((Es))))))))))))))))))) so much pain for just one person.

I've thought of you often, and wondered how you've been. If it does indeed help, keep those words flowing. I hope it will comfort you.

WH/formerly Lilacs

JamesThomas

Sometimes the price we pay for our integrity and honesty is a high one isn't it dear. You are a professional writer? If not, you certainly should be. My heart goes out to you. The destruction of relationships is indeed the sharpest sword in the arsenal the Society wields. Byron Katie's work may help you. Please give it a look see -- if you like. http://www.thework.org/home.html JamesT

free will

es, ur past makes us what we are today. your past has made you stronger, and wiser. hold your head up high, don't lower your head before all the others. one day, they may see the truth and admire your fortitude.

Ghost of Esmeralda

Thank you, free will, for the reminder not to hang my head. Usually I do pretty well with all of this, i have come such a long way since i first logged on to H2o back in January of 2000...i don't know where i'd be today without randy watters work at freeminds, what i learned at h2o and in this place, and some of the folks here who have been true friends through the ugliest of my battles with myself and where i came from.

but sometimes, it just gets harder to remember that it's not my weakness, it's theirs. All i can do is hope that maybe someday, someone else in my family will also see the light about the 'truth'. i have told them all that my door is always open to them, maybe one day, someone will step through it. not that i'm holding my breath...but i do have one relative out of state who did leave as well in the past few years, he's married now (to a non-jw), in the military, and very happy with his life. so i guess there is always hope.

James, thank you for the link, i will check it out. i'm a writer at heart, never been paid for it, but hope someday to get a book of essays or something published...thanks for the kind remark, and thanks again for the link.

i guess when it comes down to it, at least when i look in the mirror these days i know for certain who i am. i wonder sometimes, do they? will they ever?

here's hoping i'll be able to get some sleep tonight...

hugs to all

Ravyn

Esmeralda,

I think your original post--printed up on pretty paper would make a lovely wedding gift. discreetly in an envelope, addressed to the Bride only, handed to her by your daughter, or sent in the mail.

Ravyn

Haunted

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