Involved(ish) with a JW Man.

by BNG-713 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • tiki

    Lot of good thoughts posted. My first thought is that he is only 22 and if raised in the religion has little social experience...communicating via internet is far simpler than face to face for him.....his emotional maturity is likely more like a 14 year old. You express second thoughts...gut feelings...don't ignore them. If you do meet up plan occupied doing positive things and be objective. This guy has a long way to go I terms of a positive relationship....

  • days of future passed
    days of future passed

    From my own experience of being the Jw and liking a guy who wasn't a Jw. He was a great guy in every way. I was raised a Jw by a mom who wasn't good at it but still dutifully took all the kids to meetings. I wasn't a complete JW because I had problems with the religion and I was "out" of the religion for several years.

    But at a certain part when I became really attached to him, I also started backing off because he didn't believe in the bible. I let him go and he became the biggest regret of my life.

    The thing with born in Jw's, is even if they are lax in the religion - it doesn't go out of them until they really see that it isn't the truth. Until then, they will try to get you to join because it means your eternal life. In subtle and big ways they will encourage you.

    On the other hand

    If the family is half baked in the truth and just slides along in meetings and such, they will bend the rules for themselves. But they will still have rules. And that might cause a low grade irritation and friction between you and the family including prospective husband.

    Everyone is different and he might be a 22 mature person but .... he's playing games on the internet. Is this a first shooter game? A violent game? That's a big no no in JW land. So he is really not living a JW clean life.

    Life is complicated and this will certainly be.

  • Cadellin

    I feel for you. You sound like a fairly level-headed and together person. Is this young man still living at home? At 22, if he is a good JW, that is to be expected. But it will mean that while he will be a very nice person, he will also be acres behind you in terms of life experience and maturity. That might not come across at first but it will be there. Aside from that, the religion has the potential to be a huge deal. I wouldn't go so far as to say "RUN," but oh boy, be super super careful and don't make any quick decisions.

    One other thing--generally, the number of single young women outnumber young men by about 10 to 1. In most congregations, young single men, especially if they are half-way good-looking or intelligent, attractive, etc., have their choice of girls. Which raises the question as to why he is seeking female companionship online. This in no way is meant to suggest you are not attractive or anything like that--of course! But it is just another flag. I'm just saying this in general, not trying to imply anything about you personally.

  • peacefulpete

    The roller coaster of emotions will be brutal. Likely, he will swing from ecstatic of the rush of intimacy, feeling a little rebellious to sullen and resentful of you. If you two decide to become physically involved the axe will come down on him and the impact of being before an inquisition is emasculating and designed to crush the spirit. He will either run to you out of despair or regret his involvement with you. Its not fair to you either way. At some point you may find yourself attending their meetings and being curious. The brain has a difficult time being objective in such a case and plenty of times the nonJW becomes one. If he had separated himself from the church years ago, he may be able to be honest with you and himself, right now he's not his own man.

  • Incognito

    Welcome to the forum BNG,

    You think your situation is unique but in actuality, it's all been done before. Regardless of the details on how you met, in the end, you are a regular person interested in in a relationship with a cult member. If you are truly at ease with the situation, you would not be asking advice and feedback from strangers on the internet.

    To a JW, Jehovah (actually, the organization and its Governing Body) take precedence over anything or anyone. Even if you become a JW, you will always take a lower position regardless of his claims.

    While he may tell you he would never attempt to convert you, if he remains a JW, he is expected and required to do so. JW men are considered 'Head' of the family and he will be expected to have his family in subjection to his authority.

    Even if you do not join the religion, do not expect celebrations most people look forward to (Christmas, Birthdays, Valentines, Mother's Day ...) will be happy occasions. While you may wish to celebrate, decorate, entertain, visit family and give gifts and cards, he will likely have no part of it and may even disallow seasonal decorations in or around HIS home.

    Upon marriage, he will most likely act as your power of attorney if you should be injured and not able to speak for yourself. As JWs believe blood transfusions are wrong, he will most likely oppose you receiving a blood transfusion even if your Drs state you will die as a result.

    Many people raised as JWs will stop attending and may lead a life which is contrary to JW requirements. While they may assure their partner they will never return to it, unless the person recognizes the religion is not the 'Truth', too often, they will return even if away for decades, particularly when there has been a life-changing event such as the birth of a child, death of a family member or life-threatening illness. Although they may appear to have left the cult, does not mean they no longer believe the cult's indoctrination. While you may think you can prove to him the teachings are not 'the truth', he may resent you for even making an attempt, stating you are being influenced by Satan or worse, apostates. Each JW must come to the realization that JWs do not have 'the truth' for themselves, but many never do as they are usually unwilling to even consider it.

    Although you think his family are not as strict because they continue to associate with his brother, it could be his brother was never actually baptised into the religion and was therefore never technically a JW.

    Just because his parents are aware of your existence, you really do not know what they have been told about you. Perhaps they were lead to believe you are interested in becoming a JW (the outcome will outweigh the method).

    While JWs claim they are the only true Christian religion, their beliefs and practices prove otherwise. This and many other forums discuss the real truth and background about the JW religion, warts and all.

    While probably not what you wish to hear, for your own benefit, please accept we understand how JWs think and we also recognize what is too likely to happen if you continue pursuing this relationship.

  • bsmart

    I have a friend who's brother never was baptized and lived his life pretty much "worldly" till his 70's and a random Dub witnessed to him, Much of that family were still pretty hardcore. His folks were gone and he was divorced. Well he is back waiting, for the paradise earth and his mom and dad to meet him there.

    Make sure that your internet friend knows the truth about the truth before you make any permanent decisions. Best of luck to you.

  • Sail Away
    Sail Away

    Based on this alone, run and don't look back! Don't let any organization or man define you or control your life. Trust me, been there!

    To a JW, Jehovah (actually, the organization and its Governing Body) take precedence over anything or anyone. Even if you become a JW, you will always take a lower position regardless of his claims.

    While he may tell you he would never attempt to convert you, if he remains a JW, he is expected and required to do so. JW men are considered 'Head' of the family and he will be expected to have his family in subjection to his authority.-- Incognito

  • Iown Mylife
    Iown Mylife

    Today on Twitter I received a note from a non-JW who is married to a born in, and they are in a battle for custody. He has read my views as an X-JW, and contacted me as well as several others, for any advice or recommendations of helpful people or literature that could help his lawyer help him. He wants full custody of his little daughter and knows that it's going to be difficult, but he is desperate for his ex-wife not to alienate him from his daughter.

    Why did a born-in woman marry a non-JW, and then go back to her religion when her daughter came along? And then seek divorce and custody because he refuses to join her religion? Because that's what they do, more times than not.

  • BNG-713

    Sorry, I have been MIA. Lot’s of valuable stuff here. I nipped everything in the bud last night and cancelled my trip itinerary today. I couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter how happy we make each other now that so much could go wrong should we enter a relationship. I know we care for each other deeply at this point in time, but the chances of making each other happy after all the new wears off was slim to none. I am hurting like a MF’er, drowning in what if’s, and really hope I made the right decision. We have chosen to remain friends. Does that seem risky?

  • millie210

    Hi BNG and a big hug to you on this tough day you're having.

    I don't think being friends is in and of itself the risk. I think that shifting this intense relationship you've been having over into another category (the friend category) could mean it just slides back into its previous category.

    One thing is for sure, time is your friend here.

    Time apart, time to think, time to let the fires die down and so on.

    As a complete side note, one thing about all of this I found strange was his parents acceptive response. I raised all my sons as JWs and now we have all left the religion except one son.

    No JW parent who fancies themselves a good JW (and a good parent) would be cool with you and he having a relationship.

    A "good" JW parenting response would be to warn him off the relationship using scriptures like "dont become unevenly yoked with unbelievers" and so on. If that failed and he kept the relationship going with a "worldly" (that would be you) person in spite of their pleading and guilt tripping and calling on elders in the congregation to do the same, then they would grudgingly accept it. All of that would take time.

    In my experience, the less hard core JW parents come around because they love their kids, the extreme ones will shun them (there's a spectrum) but NONE of the JW parents I know would just rollover initially with a casual accepting attitude - especially with a 22 year old.

    So that is puzzling to me.

    Regardless, I feel for you and the pain you are in right now. Take good care of yourself emotionally and congratulations on being wise for your age.

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