Involved(ish) with a JW Man.

by BNG-713 25 Replies latest social relationships

  • BNG-713

    So, here goes nothing. I know there are several posts about witnesses and non-witnesses in regards to relationships. I couldn’t find anything specifically that spoke to me, so I would love some third-party advice and thoughts.

    I have never been someone to pursue a stranger from the Internet. Earlier this year, I became friends with someone on a video game. Always a good time, and we just chatted as Friends would. Fast forward six months, we exchanged phone numbers and started talking outside of the video game. We have talked everyday for the past 7 weeks. Things progressed rather quickly, and we are not in a relationship, but there has been a ton of flirting and talking about the future. I found out a week in that he was a baptized witness. I am in Florida, and he is in California. I am actually going to meet him on September 6. We both agreed that we should not make a decision on what this could or could not be without meeting, and his parents do know he’s talking to me. I am not a secret by any means. His parents are leaving this up to him. As we get closer to my visit, the nervousness and second thoughts are creeping in for both of us. A couple weeks ago he did have a bit Of an internal conflict. He felt as though pursuing this may hurt his God, or compromise his relationship down the line with his religion. He studied, sought counsel, and prayed about it… And said that it does come with a risk, but something is telling him not to just let this go. So he wants to meet before we make a final decision. I will be staying at a hotel for a few days, where we will spend the days together, but of course not the nights. We have both confirmed feelings for each other, and we both know what we like about the other person. That was something that was important to me, because if you don’t have legitimate reasons for liking someone… It’s just a crush and not something that needs to be pursued and invested in, IMO. We have talked about how his faith would affect our relationship Should one come about, and have similar views on expectations of how it would work while we are apart and what kind of end goal we would want should we be successful. We want similar things out of life. It feels crazy to me that in less than two weeks I will finally be meeting him, and I’m terrified. Long distance paired with differences in faith is going to be hard. I sometimes feel like if I go there and it doesn’t work out, I would be getting off easy in a way. The closer we get to the date, the further apart I feel like we are growing. We talked today And sort of came clean to each other about how nervous we both are. We both still like each other and still want to meet, but have chosen to draw back on the flirting to prepare for what texting in a relationship may be like because I told him talking 24/7 and flirting a majority of the time is not sustainable and is a recipe for failure. I know this is a little jumbled and a lot of information, but I want to know what others experienced in jw/ non jw relationships may have to say. Like I said, we aren’t deciding on anything until we meet and confirm that the feelings are still there in person, but I still want advice and information on this matter in case it does work. Oh, And we have shared a tons of pictures as well as had many video chats confirming no one is getting catfished lol. I am also moving to Colorado in February so we won’t be a whole country apart.

    If we have the same chemistry in person, I honestly feel like he is someone I could fall in love with, and he has agreed with me on that. I do want to be reasonable though and consider things I may not be able to think of on my own.

    Thank you all for reading.

    Side note, I am freshly 27 and he is 22. Also, financially speaking we could see each other every month.

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    Any relationship with a JW leads to grave disappointment, later if not sooner.

  • Anders Andersen
    Anders Andersen
    He felt as though pursuing this may hurt his God, or compromise his relationship down the line with his religion. He studied, sought counsel, and prayed about it… And said that it does come with a risk, but something is telling him not to just let this go.

    Right this part here is going to make you hurt hard in the future. Until the day he is fully convinced JW are not the true religion and dating outside JW is disappointing his God, there is a very, very real risk of him chosing the JW religion over you. Maybe not today. Maybe not next year. Perhaps it will be 15 years into a possible relationship. Maybe it will be when you have kids and he wants them to be raised as JW and you don't want that. Or whatever situation you can think of in which suddenly he feels guilty towards his religion/god, and decides he has to choose that over you.

    Also, JW men tend to be emotionally immature, more so than the average decent guy. So watch out you're not getting a man-child.

    And, JW men are raised in a culture where men are the head of their wives, who ultimately have to obey their husband. So be aware for any red flags wrt to that too.

    Otherwise, good luck!

  • BNG-713

    Neither of us want kids. We both unfortunately cane from backgrounds where we had to help our family with raising them so it was nice that he was as burnt out on children as I was. He is also aware I’m getting my tubes tied.

    Emotional maturity has definitely been a concern. While he seems mature and communicates very effectively; I feel like I wont really know til I’m around him.

    I have addressed the head of household thing and explained I’m interested in a partner, not a leader. He was receptive to that and claims he has no intention on being my boss.

    I was very surprised his parents didn’t tell him to stop entertaining the idea of this, and haven’t tried to forbid him from our meet up. Are open minded parents common? They are both witnesses as well, as are 3 of their kids. Their oldest son left and claims he’s an atheist but they still communicate with him and involve him in family activities.

  • The Fall Guy
    The Fall Guy

    Welcome to the forum BNG-713.

    As a fading long-term JW, there is no way I could sugar-coat this for you. Enjoy your trip & chats, but when you get back home, tell him that having done serious research and gained insights into his religion's teachings & practices, you are convinced that a relationship between the two of you would lead to certain heartbreak for both of you, because you could never accept them for yourself or your children. He'll ask for specifics.

    Provide him with some examples you find or are given. P.M. me if you'd like some examples.

    Informing him of your findings & feelings will totally extinguish the flames of his ardour.

    Make a family life with a non-JW and be happy. I wish you all the best.

  • Tameria2001

    As we get closer to my visit, the nervousness and second thoughts are creeping in for both of us. A couple weeks ago he did have a bit Of an internal conflict. He felt as though pursuing this may hurt his God, or compromise his relationship down the line with his religion.

    I will finally be meeting him, and I’m terrified.

    The closer we get to the date, the further apart I feel like we are growing.

    Listen to what your mind and body is telling you; nervousness, second thoughts, terrified. There is something not right, and you can feel it. I can tell you if a JW still believes in their religion it will lead to some major problems down the road for you. I can't even tell you the number of times someone has posted on this site about getting involved with a JW, only to be faced with total misery later on. JWs don't have a problem lying to those who are non-JWs, they even have a word for it and it is called Theocratic Warfare. Here is a link to more information about that subject if your interested. JW Facts

  • iwantoutnow
  • Giordano
    A couple weeks ago he did have a bit Of an internal conflict. He felt as though pursuing this may hurt his God,

    Holy crap! How interesting........ that he thinks he could hurt his god because he wants a relationship with a kind, intelligent and honest lady. God should be grateful that you both want to have a decent life together.

    According to the Pew Religious Landscape Survey (look it up) over 60 percent of JW born-ins leave the religion. The ones that don't leave are damaged almost beyond repair.

    They are clinging to a religion that they think can hurt the feelings of their god if they disappoint. You have to have a very selfish understanding of what your role in life is if you think you are capable of hurting your god. It is all too obvious that JW's just make this stuff up....... they have little to no understanding about god. God,s natural language is silence........... everything else is a bad translation of that silence. Which explains why there are so many nasty religions in this world.

    This is a religion that is compared to other crank beliefs. The Shakers, Mormons, Adventists, Christian Scientists, Amish and of late... Scientology.

    Being a JW means that you are obedient to the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society (WTBTS) where obedience is more important then faith......that's the way it is in the JW world.

    The WTBTS is a corporate entity..... it was founded in 1879..... it's religion........ the Jehovah's Witnesses........ came about in the 1930's. So this was and continues to be a Corporate religion.

    Here's a documented source that explains their religion in their words..........Just google 'History of the Jehovah's Witnesses.'

    My wife and I got out in our early twenties....Why? The ban on blood blood transfusions allowed.

    How dangerous is it to be a JW....... children and adults who have a critical need for a life saving blood transfusion.... forget about it. If you permit or accept a transfusion you are disfellowshiped for the rest of your life.

    My sister died for want of blood when she was 44 and had a long life ahead of her,,,, so did my wife's mother. Lets be honest.......... so did thousands of others through out the history of the JW's since 1945.

    By the way Jesus never mentioned this blood ban. Nor did he mention Armageddon a belief held by JW's that they will be the only survivors of the end of this world. Because they are the only religion that has the truth.

    Being with a JW means your with a highly controlled person who is loyal to the WTBTS first and foremost. A person who will let you die by refusing to allow you a life saving transfusion.

    P.S the WTBTS and individual congregations and it's Elders are being dragged through the courts right now because they failed to protect the children in the congregation from child sexual abuse when it was reported to them. Look up the JW pedophile problem and it's 'two witness' rule.

    The other reason we left this sick excuse of a religion, beside blood and chronic child abuse............ is that they are looking forward, joyfully, to the death of Billions at Armageddon so they can build their paradise earth over the bones of the dead. It's all doesn't even rise to the level of being a joke.

    Hate to tell you the following........... it's really a death cult. And if he's not ready to leave...... you need to.

    My advice........ Plenty of great people in the world on line, in churches, at work, in school, Hobbies and those very special ones who do volunteer work (the best people you can meet hands down) who don't belong to a cult.

    Rethink your situation and find a volunteer group to join....... there are a ton of Volunteer groups who want to meet you and work side by side. Your guy will be in one of these volunteer groups.

    My best,


  • stillin

    He will want you to become a JW. He'll start out slow. If you can keep your eyes open, because love is blind, you will have the resistance needed to repel the idea. You are open territory and he will explore every angle.

    Or...I'm wrong and he is looking for a way out.

  • wannabefree

    A 22 year old JW is often (not always) emotionally stunted due to little interaction with people outside of their faith and restrictions that don't allow the progressive steps of increased responsibilities as they grow.

    If this young man is feeling conflicted, expect him to try and convert you. If his family is rooted in the faith, difficulty and conflict is on the horizon.

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