our secret dating got caught...

by trueloveneverfails94 57 Replies latest social relationships

  • Londo111

    Read everyone’s comments here and think about it. You are seeing a huge red flag about this organization. Heed it!

    A baptized JW isn’t supposed to date (contemplate marriage) with someone unbaptized. It’s heavily discouraged in the JW culture to date someone newly baptized…”fresh out the water”. Not too long ago, Governing Body member Anthony Morris remarked that a man who is in their 20’s and not yet a ministerial servant is not marriage material. Therefore, you can imagine how this organization would view an unbaptized male dating one of theirs.

  • Daniel1555

    Welcome and all the best for your fresh love.

    You 2 have to secretly and innocently hold hands and are afraid of JW consequences!!

    Isn't the fact that you have to do this secretly already a sign, that something is not quite right in JW land?

  • Giordano

    The questions that haven't been asked is what does your girl friend have to say about the high control issues in the JW religion re dating you? Have you met her parents or been to social events with other JWs? Was she a born-in and accepts the religion totally?

    Is the person you study with aware that you have been dating or seeing your girlfriend?

    Since you guys are 21 you are considered adults so you can marry. But 3 months is not long enough in my opinion. At least a year for her sake and yours.

    You really need to understand more about the JW's especially their history. In many respects they are a death cult. They believe that god will kill 99.7% of the world's population in Armageddon so that they, the JW's, can inherit a paradise earth (something the bible doesn't mention).

    They believe in the no blood doctrine meaning no life saving transfusion. They invented this deluded belief back in 1945 because they thought a transfusion was the same as eating blood which medically speaking it isn't. So thousands of JWs have died needlessly.

    They discourage higher education and prefer that young pioneer instead of finishing their education.

    To protect yourself you should go to jwfacts.com and read what the WT Society taught in their own words. While you visit jwfacts check out the reasons a JW can be disfellowshiped for ..........which means being shunned.

    So you getting baptized may not be in your best interests.

  • trueloveneverfails94
    Yes I have met her parents 3 times, but they told her not to see me anymore which led us do secret dating and I have been to couple social events with her friends from congregation when we were officially going out before we turned it into secret dating. My study conductor has no idea that I have been dating her and didn't feel like to tell him cause he once was an elder too, so I thought he would be more strict about it.
  • Zana

    ...and can't stop questioning myself about my decision being JW for the first time thinking that I can't even love someone in a way that I want to when I love her with all my heart.. I need support ...

    What do you have in mind? I think we need a little more input here. And answered questions like:

    Are you trying to become a jw FOR this girl? Or do you truely believe the religion has 'truth'? If this girl wasnt on the scene, would you still become a jw?

    what does your girl friend have to say about the high control issues in the JW religion re dating you?

    Look, you both are apparently deeply in love. So it's probably very difficult to use your brains right now, but this is exactly what you need to do! Try to step back and look at the situation: There is huge potential for deep conflicts here, mostly for her (her parents, her congregation). And there will be pressure, again mostly for her (pressure to leave you, pressure to at least get you baptized as soon as possible, pressure to get married rather sooner than later). So, you need to be there for her. Hopefully she feels safe and confident enough to talk to you about these things. And be aware, getting baptised and married as soon as possible, might look like a not too bad solution now, but most likely you will deeply regret this in the future.

  • trueloveneverfails94

    Zana / being a JW was my decision before I met her so it wasn't just for her. I have believed in different religion with my parents, but didn't really get into and after quiet research, truth appealed to me which made me to study and attend meetings, but I have also felt many doubts about truth during our relationship. Not doubts about Jehovah God, but some of watchtower conducts and teachings in dating about why we always need to be chaperoned (prevent temptation I know, but still hard to understand sometimes cause I have been in relationship with several worldly girls before) and constant fear and pressure made me think "why we should hide our feelings when we both know its real and deep". She is not a reason for me to decide to become JW, but motivates me to work harder on myself as we will continuously face problems and oppositions until I am baptized and in a position to date her .

  • trueloveneverfails94
    Elder's wife saw us, so I believe it is a matter of time that her parents will hear about it after meeting on Sunday. Her parents told her many times do not contact me in anyway, and I don't know what they will do to her when they find out she has been secretly dating me for a quiet time. I am ready to be there for her and told her many times that I will always be there for her, but also worried how she would deal with all emotional conflicts from parents and friends from congregation.
  • Zana

    ...but I have also felt many doubts about truth during our relationship. Not doubts about Jehovah God, but some of watchtower conducts and teachings...

    Good. Don't forget that, if you follow your path towards JWdom. WT literature often tries to equate Jehovah with "his" organisation. Some people - after reading it often enough - believe that. But it's not true. You can leave the organisation without leaving Jehovah. You can follow the bible and live your life according to what Jesus told us, without the JWs and their additional restricting set of rules.

    John 14,6:

    Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

    No need to go through the Watchtower...

  • Giordano

    Her parents told her many times do not contact me in anyway, and I don't know what they will do to her when they find out she has been secretly dating me for a quiet time.

    I suppose they could tell her to move out of the house because even though she is 21 they don't approve of the two of you dating.

    Disapproval and distrust are a part of the witness construct. As you have already found out it is used to reinforce a high control belief system that does not encourage making friends with or dating 'Worldly' people which is you in this situation.

    In fact they don't even want younger JWs to date....... they must see one another in groups. If you date your expected to get married. And of course you will not be allowed any sexual leeway, like fondling, touching intimately etc. before hand. If first base is a kiss that's it there are no more bases available. In fact if either of you happen to sleep over in the other's home and parents or siblings are away and your seen exiting the other person's house they will be DF as they will not accept that one of you slept in a different room or on the living room couch.

    She is now suffering their disapproval. Should you and her elect to leave the religion in the near or far future you both could easily be shunned for the rest of your lives.

    Should you have children and later divorce and leave the religion you could be shunned by your children if they in turn get baptized.

    There is a lot to think about because it can get complicated.

    Now as a born in your girlfriend may be going through the motions to keep Mom and Dad's approval. If she's a typical born-in JW all her friends are in the 'truth', a lot of her family especially the parents and siblings are in the truth. This being a high control religion being controlled........... is all she knows......until now.

    On the other hand she may not agree with a number of beliefs and can admit she's in it for the people.

    For both your sake's think about these things and talk about it together. Your relationship has hit a crisis, not of your making, but now she has hit a wall with her parents. How you resolve it together will be important.

    Perhaps you should simply announce your engagement and plan to marry in the very near future. As a legally married couple. She is not going to get DF. If the parents slam her over this well she is 21 and has the right to marry the person she chooses. Put off having children for a couple of years to make sure you are committed to one another apart from any beliefs or non beliefs.

  • LisaRose

    Do you really want to live the rest of your life in a religion where everything you do is so micromanaged? Do you want to live you life constantly worried that everything you do will be judged? Gossiped about? Reported to the elders? You are both adults, not doing anything wrong, it's silly to have to skulk around like you are in the seventh grade.

    Do not think this will be the only time in your life this will happen. Take a hard look at the religion you are planning to join, they are not what they pretend to be. Frankly I am much happier now that I have left. If I want to do something I don't have to worry about what the busybodies down at the Kingdom Hall are going to say about it.

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